Keith Richards fell out of a tree

I realize that the title of this post could easily be misconstrued as the title to a song off of one of Jack Black's band Tenacious D's albums, but it's not. He actually fell out of a fucking tree.

Apparently Keith was climbing the tree in search of a coconut or some shit and fell out, giving himself a concussion. What the fuck was a 62 year old man doing in a fucking palm tree? It's not like Keith Richards is a specimen of human health. Goddam, whoever let him do that is a moron.

Obviously he was high as a kite, literally and figuratively. Woo! This post is fantastically intelligent!

Please see my depiction at right as to what I think it might have been like. Please take special note of his magical sand 'castle' at left.

[Sources: DListed, Forbes]

Trend Alert: Man bangs (aka Mangs)

Not that Tom Cruise has ever started a trend, but wouldn't it be funny if 'Mangs' came into fashion?

Seriously though, Tom Cruise has BANGS. Not just wispy hair or anything, but BANGS. If this isn't a sign of the world being over, please tell me what is.

(This is a pic of him sneaking up on Phillip Seymour Hoffman -an actual, legitimate actor- to cut him some trendy new 'mangs' also. Popozao!)

Mischa's panties

Oh Mischa! Isn't bad enough that you're caught in public with that human pimple Cisco? No, you say? You want everyone to be scrutinizing what looks to be your dirty white panties also? Done.

This is not the first time Mischa has been gross. While in Aspen she walked around in long johns which had a blood coloured stain on the front (see below). Mmmm, hot.

This girl is very cute, she has really improved in looks since Sixth Sense, but goddam she has terrible taste in men. This guy is really fucking gross. And to make it worse, he was engaged to Kimberly Stewart! Kimberly Stewart! The woman who couldn't even be improved by Rod Stewart being her dad. Gross!

Mischa, please put on a bra when your clothes are see through, check for period stains (gag) before you leave the house and try not to wear 7 year-old off-white panties in a dress and then sit like you're in fucking kindergarten. Fuck, even my 7-year old cousin would know that.

Hey Julia Stiles! How 'bout a shower?

I fell upon this photo today and it made me depressed for this girl.

As if it isn't bad enough that her head is shaped like an egg, she also has a five-head (larger than a forehead) AND as MK so aptly put it, she looks like she got fucked in the car right before getting onto this red carpet.

Lainey also pointed out that her legs look terrible, but I think that they're almost acceptable compared to the rest of that disaster.

Did the bitch FORGET her make-up? I look better than this on a daily basis and I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'll give her the fact that her hair is shiny, but it's probably from grease.

Goddam woman, hit the bathroom before you step in front of the pappies!

Uber-Tan

Nothing says Friday like tanning yourself until you look like a hotdog!

At least she can afford the plastic surgery it's going to take to fix her skin after, b/c she's going to look 75 @ 30 if she keeps this shit up.

Hair woes

Here are some pics from People mag's Most Beautiful people spread.

Can someone please tell me how to make my hair look like this?
PS - how cute is Avril?

More often than not, it looks like this...but not with her hot face, so less good:

Mariah - the true Diva

According to a British TV host, Mariah Carey has an assistant to feed her drinks:

British TV presenter Graham Norton - who recently interviewed Mariah - says that she summoned a staff member to her side whenever she was thirsty.
Norton claims Mariah sipped her drinks through a straw and wouldn't even hold her beverages herself.
He said: "She put her head to one side for people to serve her a drink through a straw, like she was unable to use her hands."

Um, not that I'm slothful or anything, but if I could afford that, I probably would hire someone to do that too. Then my mother would come out of nowhere and smack me across the back of the head like she used to when I did lazy shit.

Being high maintenance is fun! Kudos Mariah!

As further proof, remember these pics from a while back?

[Source: Glitterati]

Asslee hotter than Jessica???

There is some hilarity circulating around the internet that Ashlee (I just noticed that she spells her name like that, it makes me hate her more) Simpson thinks that she's hotter than Jessica:

"I'm taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers. ...I got lucky because my chest size isn't completely massive."

First of all: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA fucking HA.

Let's look at some pics:

First Ashlee


Then Jessica


Ok, what? You think you're hotter than that ridiculous goddess in that bathing suit? Please see laughing above.

Seriously, I am straight, but Jessica is so fucking hot there it makes me drool. I would walk around naked if my body looked like that. Everywhere. Her hair is fabulous (mind you, her best friend is a hair dresser), she has a great smile, great voice, etc.

Ashlee has a beak for a nose, a penis chin, disgusting rat's nest hair, has a terrible singing voice, terrible fashion sense, etc, etc, etc.

Ashlee is so obviously the uglier of the Simpson sisters. She's like Haylie Duff. She's just uglier. She might as well accept it. Speaking of that horse-face, let's put of a pic of her so Ashlee can feel better:

God that is gross.

Missed Opportunity # 6,724,892

Apparently Paris Hilton almost electrocuted herself to death this past weekend. Here's the lowdown:

Bitch was trashed, someone kicked a garden lamp into a pool, she jumped in to get it (brilliant), her boyfriend, Nachos jumped in to save her ass and kicked her in the head (actually brilliant).

All these moron, dramatic-ass guests at this party are obviously not aware of the magical technology that has been in effect since the late 80's with ground breakers on almost EVERYTHING. Don't these assholes ever watch MythBusters? She would never have died b/c the electricity would have cut off as soon as the fucking thing touched water. Unfortunately.

She also apparently tried to do a pole dance while in her trashed state and ended up looking as gross as we all know she is. Hot.

God I wish she had died.

[Source: DigitalSpy]

Don'cha want your daughter to be a whore?

Just in case you weren't sure, the world is really going to shit - Hasbro has decided to make a line of dolls based on the Pussycat Dolls, the sluttiest whores in the music business right now:

"Dolls modeled after the six members of the all-girl group will be marketed to children between the ages of 6 and 9 during the upcoming holiday season and cost about $15* apiece"

*roughly the price of a high school bathroom blowjob

Wow, now your daughter can learn how to be a slut earlier! Good luck parents, I'm building a spaceship and moving to the fucking moon.

Lindsay Lohan : How I want to love thee

I want to love this girl, I really, really do... But it's getting harder and harder every day.

Let's examine this photo of her:
- She seems to have Mystic tanned herself to oblivion...I'm not getting why it's so concentrated on her nose...Wouldn't that only contrast the coke rims more and make them stand out?
- She is wearing what looks like a drapey lampshade with a fur trim from the Paris Hilton skanky boudoir collection...I'm not even going to talk about the leggings b/c they hurt me so much
- On the feet is what looks like a boot-shoe-clog. I am going to copyright that name cause it just rolllllllllllls off the tongue. No, seriously, what the shit is going on on her feet? It's not quite a cropped cowboy boot circa 1992, but it's not quite a clog either...One thing I can say for sure is that it's ugly.

Please Hohan, stop hurting me so much

Spring is here and the whores are out!

My best friend and I are currently suffering a long-distance relationship. It's not good. We used to see each other at least once a week and mock others together. It was a really nice bonding experience.

Since she moved, I have been forced to show her ugly people using my limited drawing skills.

The above drawing is of a woman I saw on my way home from work today. I do not work in a skanky area of town, or anything, just a normal neighborhood, and this whore was walking down the street jiggling all about. I almost crashed my car.

Because, once again, my skills are limited, I would like to describe the outfit for you:

• - White (stained and dirty) JLo style construction boots w/ stiletto heel
• - Cropped tube top with words on it. I couldn't read said words, but I assume they said, "whore, easy, slut, etc" - it was wholly inappropriate b/c her boobs were large and sag-tastic
• - "Sweat suit" from the skank section at Sirens in bright royal blue: cropped hoodie; ruched, cropped pants very low rise...And just enough to see her delectable GIANT pasty, chunky belly hanging over
• - Her hair looked like someone had done heroin ON it, it was gross and stringy
• - Her lips, were inflated to the size of Amanda Lepore's and were slathered in fuschia lip gloss

I literally saw her and my mouth hung open and I stared at her until I couldn't anymore. I didn't realize that people like this existed!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Brittany Murphy + Paul Oakenfold

I am sure that Paul Oakenfold is a very talented DJ. I never went to parties when he played b/c he always played bullshit trance music and it sucks.

Please see photo at right. He seems to be carrying Brittany Murphy (who is, by the way, apparently wearing a catsuit - more on that later). Ok, first of all, why? Secondly, why does his hair look like a really bad Muppet wig?

She is apparently recording an album (please, just stick to shitty acting, that's about all the crap we can handle from you at once) and he has agreed to remix one of the tracks. Gee, I hope it's shitty and trancey like everything else I've heard him do.

Ok, now, let's address the photo more seriously:

• Why the shit is he carrying her? She looks fine. In fact, in other pictures of this same event, she is actually standing.
• She is, in fact, wearing a cat suit. Good god, the world has finally ended and this is my own personal hell. Leggings, catsuits, and...wait for it...the trends from europe are indicating OVERALLS are coming back. Yah, that's right. Please, someone let me out. I'm scared.
• What is with her weird-ass face? She is the most chill person being carried that I have ever seen
• Why does she have nasty Parasite-Hilton-esque extensions? Gah!
• Did she SWIM in the Mystic Tan? Taking tips from Hohan, Brit? Don't.

I'm going to go to sleep. This day is no good.

Star Jones - How I hate thee

So last night I was flipping through the channels and I fell upon a repeat of Larry King Live. I hate that show, but I was transfixed b/c the woman from my nightmares, Star Jones, was hosting.

She is so goddamn ugly that I couldn't switch the channel. Her giant bug eyes were staring at me through the screen! She was interviewing someone about the fact that they have finally arrested someone in Hawaii in relation to the disappearance of some slut a while back.

Imagine you're expecting to speak with Larry King and you get Star Jones? I would fucking go on a rampage.

Pictured is an artist's rendition of Star Jones hosting Larry King. And by artist, I mean me.

Note to Tom Cruise: Please stop talking. Forever.

UPDATE - 8:20 am Thursday:

Suri Cruise was born at 3am PST yesterday morning. I bet Tom is spreading the placenta on toast right now!

~

You're not going to believe this shit!

Tom Cruise, the infinitely enjoyable psychotic, announced during his GQ interview that he'll probably EAT THE BABY'S PLACENTA once it's born. Let me just give you a moment to wrap your head around that one...

...

...Yah, that's right. EAT the PLACENTA. Not a Filet 'o' Fish, not haggis, a fucking placenta! This is what came out of his fucked up mouth:

"I'm going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there."

Right there, y'all. Right there.

I am out of words. Someone has finally shut me up.

This is some fucked up shit. I hope you enjoy my artwork.

[Source: DListed]

Paris Hilton: STD-a-riffic

Does anyone else feel like they just got an STD by looking at this pic?

This is a disgusting photo of Paris Hilton singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner on his 80th birthday (holy shit).

Gah. It burns when I pee now!

A tribute: Go Fug Yourself

Those ladies at Go Fug Yourself are fucking funny.

I took a look at their page today and they had written something so funny I spit coffee on my screen. At first, I was considering plagiarising it, but then I thought, 'if blogs can't give props to one another, who will?' And then I thought, 'fuck that is a run-on sentence.'

Maybe it's just because they called Ashley Simpson 'Assica,' but I don't care. They're hilarious.

Check them out:
Go Fug Yourself

'Sup Christ?

For those of you who celebrate, Happy Easter and Passover.

Yee-haw to the resurrection of Christ and shit.

(If there is actually some kind of afterlife, I am so fucked now)

PS - This pic is awesome. It makes Christ look like a fucking alien

Would it kill you to shower?

I do not like this guy. Why can't he fucking shave that nasty ass my-first-beard? Gross.

Also, I'm over your trendy skeezy-punk wear. Just go to Idaho or Montana or wherever the fuck you have a cabin w/ Demi and make a baby already. Oh yah, and if there is the luxury of even an outdoor shower there, do us all a favour and fucking use it.

Tom Cruise should not talk about sex

Good god. MK @ Dlisted had this wicked Tom Cruise quote today. It scares me. Tom Cruise should not talk about sex:

"Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks."
[Wow Tom, you are, like, totally deep and stuff]

"(Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely."
[Ew, I just pictured him masturbating in front of a huge mirror. Fuck!]

Please man, for the love of god stop talking about sex. The thought of this guy's disgusting midget body writhing around nude is making me sick. Gross. I just threw up in my coffee mug. Fucker.

Mariah Carey candid shot

Wow, these are some seriously great 'candid' shots of Mariah. Has anyone else noticed that there are never any actual candid shots, they're always weird pictures of her frolicking at a beach or somthing...and she's always sucking in her gut and posing.

Mind you, she does seem to be wearing make-up here, which makes it a bit better. This pose is awesome though...it's so cheesy.

She looks like she's in better shape though, which is awesome for her. But why, why, why can't the woman wear something that doesn't look like it has come from a sex store? This bikini is MUCH too small for her body. It's no god. A boyshort wouldn't kill you Mimi. Check it out. Old Navy, super cheap. Seriously.

I'm still happy that she is curvy and proud though. Kudos to that. She and Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé should start a 'curvy and proud' group to help encourage young girls not to starve themselves.

Ha ha, I can totally hear the NBC "The More You Know" public service announcement music now. God, I should write an after-school special.

That dog is cute.

Cam & JT - A couple I wish would break up

Gross, why can't these 2 break up?

He had Britney! Mind you, she's gross now too, but she has potential to go back to the super hot body she used to have.

I am pretty sure Cameron Diaz is a hermaphrodite.

Please Justin Timberlake, dump this skeezy old ho! Please!

PS - the beard is really gross. No good. Boo!

I would totally lick him

I was reading another blog and I happened upon this story about some normals running into Matthew McConaughey (sigh) at their gym.

First of all, I would try to look a lot better than these grossers look, second, I would totally lick ALL the sweat off of him. Oh my god. I know that is gross, but I don't care. I love that man. Hairplugs and all. And I love him even more b/c he doesn't like Sarah Jessica Parker (aka My Little Pony Parker).

He looks so gross. I wish I could rip off his shirt and rub myself on him. Mmmm. Wooooooo! I need a cold shower now.

[Source: A Socialite's Life]

John Goodman is hot

Fucking John Goodman is hilarious! Doesn't he look hot at the Country Music Awards? Look at poor American Idol Carrie Underwood...I bet she's thinking that if she's not careful the Gayken fans will come after her. Or that he might eat her. One of the two.


UPDATE: Apparently, this is Wynonna Judd. Goddam she is nasty. Also, it is NEVER ok to wear a Muumuu in public.

[Source: DListed]

Billie...what have you done?

I spent a lot of my teenage summers watching 'Days of our Lives.' It was so engrossing. To date myself (but not really b/c the story lines move so slowly that even Cameron Diaz could understand), it was during the period when Marlena was posessed by a demon and Sami was still trying to break up Austin and big-brows Carrie.

Anyhoo, Lisa Rinna used to play Billie, Bo's girlfriend after his wife Hope disappeared/was kidnapped/etc. Although she never looked 100% normal, she was still quite attractive.

Recently, as some of you may be aware, she was on the Fox show 'Dancing with the Stars.' She actually did quite well. They almost always had a pre-filmed 'diary' type segment where the celebrities spoke about their harrowing weeks of dancing (shut the fuck up, spoiled asshole).

I noticed, whenever I would see it, which was rarely, that she always seemed to be tripping over her gigantic lips. Seriously, I don't think that any more collagen would fit in there.

She always had a pouty mouth, but now it's out of control. She looks like a duck (see above, extremely accurate drawing).

Also, she has been working out WAY too much. She looks like she could win Ms Power Lifter USA. Mind you, I wouldn't mind if I looked like that, but it's a bit much, not to mention the George Hamilton coloured tan:

[Pic Source: DListed]

Lindsay...a love and hate relationship

I love this girl. There is something about her that makes me feel as if she is a younger me. All the men, the excessive drug use, the weight loss. It rings a bell with me. I feel like I could be her older sister.

I want so desperately to be proud of her and love her, but she continues to disappoint me, in the following ways:

1. She wears leggings. A lot.
2. She uses too much tanner
3. The tanner she uses is very ORANGE
4. She won't eat
5. She acts like a moron
6. She wears coral lipstick
7. She wears half gloves

Now, I will give her props for having wonderful purses, fabu hair and beautiful shoes, but there are some things I can't forgive. For instance, the below resort wear that she seems to have borrowed from a some poor senior citizen's closet in their Florida RV community.

Half gloves? Wha???

Everyone always says it's because she had a hard time recently due to her parents' divorce. Fuck off. You're not a kid anymore, get over it.

Oh, how I love and hate her at the same time! The dichotomy of it all!

Lindsay, call me. I will be your life coach...you seem cheesy and into those types of things

Divorce! Again!

Oh Eminem! Did you really think that having another wedding to that whore mother of your child was going to fix anything? Of course it DIDN'T!

Now, 82 days later, he's filed for divorce AGAIN.

Bro, I know she's your baby-momma and all, but it doesn't mean you need to be together. Haylie will be ok, don't worry. I think more children grow up w/ divorced parents than married these days.

I bet you feel dumb.

Last Words Quiz

Those sluts (meant in a nice way) at Barbie Martini are hot. Check out their site!

They posted a quiz recently to find out what your last words would be, check it out:

What Will Your Last Words Be?

Here's what I got:

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Nice doggy."

I find this amusing b/c I don't really care for dogs, and they used to bite me a lot. Mind you, I was a terror as a child, so I don't blame them.

[Source: Barbie Martini]

This girl is EXTRMELY pregnant and about to squeeze out Tom's alien baby.

Although I feel pity for her, it does not mean that I can accept that hideous blouse.

That shit is an atrocity! From the weird nipple bumps it gives her, to the really obvious belly button it's fug. And then in you incorporate the cheesy lampshade sleeves and the collar. Oh good god, I think I might barf.

It's so offensive to me. Mostly b/c it makes her look like one of those scary cult, child brides...oh wait, that's no coincidence, that's Scientology, starring Tom Cruise!

[Source: Just Jared]

Oh Valerie!

Remember when Brenda left 90210 and there was a dark-haired bitch vacancy? Then they brought in the cousin, Valerie; Tiffany Amber Thiessen of Saved by The Bell.

I always loved Val, she was such a great bitch. Slept with everyone, was wicked curvy at a time where everyone was getting deathly thin and of course, she hated Donna Martin as much as I did. Oh, the drama.

Anyhoo, although Tiff was hot in her own right then, dragging her wardrobe from that age into this day does not really work.

I'm pretty sure she got that tank top at Cohoes...and am I crazy or is it see-through b/c it's straining to hold in her sweater-meat? I'm pretty sure I can see nip there.

The pants are horrific. Is that a tonal embroidery on the leg? Jesus Christ woman, what the fuck year do you think this is? Also, why does the waistband look so dirty? Ew.

She's still cute as hell, but goddam does she need a stylist. Me! Me! I'm the next Rachel Zoe!

[Source: Lainey Gossip]

Jamie Lynn Spears - the curse of the younger sister

All women who have a younger sister have a time in their life when they hate them. I don't have one, but I can imagine. Mostly b/c I hate most people.

*

Also, I imagine there was a point where my sister probably hated me. Probably when she had to brush out my extremely long hair and I would scream like a maniac. Or when we had bunkbeds and I insisted on the top one, only to wet the bed and have urine drip onto her. Hot.

*

Britney must HATE Jamie-Lynn. At a time in her life when Britney is looking TERRIBLE, being mocked the world over, Jamie-Lynn pops up at the Kids' Choice Awards looking like former Britney hotness!

*

The girl is like a mini Britney from the days of the first album. Oh god, does is burn Brit? I'm sure it does.

Tom Cruise scares me

Tom Cruise frightens me. It's not even a little bit funny.

Poor Stroke-Face Holmes is about to squeeze out an alien baby (read: remove pillow) for him. Not only is she being forced to stay silent during the process (ha ha ha), but she has to sacrifice the baby to scientology after.

Tom, the ever-giving man that he is, has allowed her to wear an MP3 player during the birth. Wowee. That'll ease the pain.

For a little more scariness, here's what he said on a German talk show recently:
"First the baby, then the film. Then, in summer, we want to get married. I won't let this woman get away."

Yah, we got that. It is quite clear from the constant hand holding, to the puke-a-licious making out 24/7 to the estrangement from her family and friends. Way to go Tom. Your behavior lately has not only estranged your fans, but it has further estranged people who already hated you (me).

Scary.

Brandy - wholesome virgin or weirdo?

Remember when Brandy first came onto the scene. I was in high school and she was cute, wholesome and had pipes. Then she did that super-awesome duet w/ Monica, "The Boy Is Mine." I loved that video.

Since then (the details are fuzzy b/c I don't really care), I think she got preggo, married her producer, who two years later claimed the whole marriage was a sham to keep her good girl image (after getting preg). I love it!

All this to say, her panties are baggy here and I find it gross. Also, what is she leaning on? A Civic? Woooooooooo! Way to class it up! Baggy panties, a necklace from Ardène and a Honda Civic. Yikes, this photoshoot is totally ghetto.

More Fug @ the Kids' Choice Awards

Ha ha, Hillary Duff's dress totally reminds me of this time I went to a store with my best friend and we were trying on these fabu wide, cowl neck sweaters. Somehow, because the rib at the bottom matched the rib on the cowl, I put on the sweater upside-down.

If I were to try on this dress (by way of my time machine to a Salt-N-Pepa video circa ~1991), I would totally put my arm through the wrong strap repeatedly. Why is she wearing this? Does she just wanna Shoop? I wonder if it comes with matching bike shorts...

Seriously, what is with these hoof covers this bitch has on? Are those fleur-de-lys?

I totally could not find ANYONE to post on while looking through pictures of this event. Case in point, Kenny G. What the fuck is he doing there? Traumatizing another generation's eardrums? Hasn't he done enough? F-ing mo!

Lohan Ass

Everyone else is posting it, why can't I?

Why on Earth wouldn't you think not to flash your flapjacks and the Kids Choice awards show? How about some cute boyshorts? Better still, how about some slacks?

Fergie - ugly again

You know, it's a funny thing. Fergie reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where the girl looks pretty in one light and then completely fug in another. I have seen a few pics of Fergie since the Junos this weekend. Some she looks presentable, and others she looks like a fucking beast.

First, let me present exhibit A(ctually not bad):

And exhibit B(east):

In the above photo, it is as if the entire room is amazed by how deceivingly attractive she can seem. Yet, here she is looking super gross. Surprise!

In this photo (above), not only can you see her super fugly pointy faux-bangs, but you also get a view of her colour coordinated fingernails. Hot. Oh yah, and nice face.

In this last photo, I am having trouble understanding what the fuck is going on with her face...Along her jaw line, there seems to be a fold, or an ass crack, or something. Whatever it is, it's not good. Then there's her weird-ass multi brows...not to mention the extremely heavy eye make-up.

Look, I understand better than anyone that the people in the Maritimes are not exactly on the cutting edge of, well, anything, but there is NO excuse for looking like this. If Ben Mulrouney can find someone to spackle on his foundation, she can find someone at a MAC to give her a decent smoky eye. Christ almighty.

[Pic Source: Lainey & DListed]