Entertainment Weekly party - post 1

So many idiots attended. Let's mock them!

Shannon Elizabeth
Does anyone else want to punch this woman? Her mouth is so big. Why is it so fucking large? God, I want to hit her. I hated her in American Pie and in everything since. I hope she dies. Of the Ebola virus. And I get to watch.

What is she wearing? Yes, we get it, you have large breasts. We've all seen them. We're over it. I'm also over that cross necklace...what is this? The 'Like a Prayer' video?

Everything about this woman makes me want to punch her in the face.

Alyssa Milano
This bitch has some serious staying power. She's been hot shit since the 80's! I remember being in elementary school and all the boys loved her on 'Who's The Boss.' Then she did Poison Ivy in high school...or the sequel or something and everyone saw her boobs and that was the end. Wet dream city. Now 'Charmed' for the past 27 years. That is great.

If I were wearing that, I'd wear a top under it. Especially if I had an old, blurry tattoo on my gunt region. She's still hotness though. There's no denying it. Even if she does have hairy arms. Some people are just blessed.

Kristen Cavallari
I am not totally sure who this whore is. I know she's from Laguna Beach, but I never saw it and don't intend to, so that's about all the insight I have. Except of course for her rumoured date with Nick Lachey. Go Team Lachey!

Anyway, I don't like her very much. Just from looking at her. I kind of love her sweater, but I think it would make my man shoulders appear very wide. Damn these stripes! I also really like her shoes, but they make me jealous, so I hate her.

Stupid Jessica Simpson clone. Fuck off.

Lindsay Lohan (or as MK calls her 'Blohan')
I used to not be sure if she was on drugs, but from personal experience, I can say that she has the look and body of it. Anyone who loses weight that drastically has either had their intestines shortened until they are a straight line from the stomach to the bumble-bee, or they are snorting/dropping anything in their wake. You'll also notice that her nostrils are getting thinner. That'll happen.

Coke is so awesome.

I actually like what she's wearing...it's a little short for my taste, but I don't like it when people can see up my skirt. That's just me though. I also like her most recent hair colour and extensions length. Gotta get me some of those. It's so much easier than this 'growing' my hair. It takes too long.