Apologies for the delay in posting about the Met Gala. I was in New York for work (unfortunately, commenting on this was not my work because no one pays me to do this...). Anyhoodles, there were a lot of people there wearing some spectacular things, and other much less fantastic things and some kind of ugly things.
This took me SO long to write. Jesus.
This is going to be long AND fun.
Amber Heard:
In my old age I have become an ignoramus. Seriously. Or maybe lazy. Or both. Either way. I don't really know what this girl does and the lazy person in me really cannot be bothered to pull up a Google search. Really? You're going to make me? Ugh. One moment...
...
...Hmm. Apparently she's an actress. With bad taste in gowns. Badum ching! No, not really. I mean, this gown is kind of stunning, but it's a lot of dress to pull off and there seems to be a problem with the hemming and satin is...ugh, I don't know.
Also, I hate her hair.
Amber Valetta:
Ordinarily I would say this this woman could do no wrong, but this dress fits SO poorly that I can't. And also the color blocking is so contrived. I mean. I love color blocking, but when it's cut and sculpted the way it is on her, it's just not good. And what's going on in her underarm?
Hate.
Amy Poehler:
I feel like what is going on with her eye make-up is something that happens to me after I line my inner eyelids and then go to sleep drunk before washing it off properly. There is also something very wicked about this dress...but it's not necessarily something I dislike. It's very glam, and quite unexpected and that makes me love it on her. It's more the neck up that I am questioning.
Anja Rubik:
The internet was ablaze with comments about this girl's dress the next day. There were several pics of her climbing the stairs at the event and I won't lie, they made me a little nervous that I was about the see her vagine. Yes, I meant to spell it that way.
Her facial expression in this photo kind of mirrors my thinking of this dress. I stare at it quizzically wondering why anyone would think it's ok to expose so many bony parts of their anatomy at once. Coco Chanel once said that every woman should remove one accessory before leaving the house. This woman should considering covering up one crevice before doing it.
Anne V:
Formerly Adam Levine (of Maroon 5)'s girlfriend and also, the one who is normally flashing her privates. She's definitely more covered up, but it's with fringe from a 1972 New Orlean's burlesque house, so I'm not sure it counts.
Beyonce:
I'm a little over the lace/nude panel thing. Especially this version. The nude part doesn't even match her skin. Like, if you're Beyonce, don't you make sure your shit is tight? Like, your Spanx match your skin? I'm fixating on it.
Then there's the plumage at the bottom...it's a lot. I don't know. I get that it's a costume gala, but this is a little too much for me.
Brooke Shields:
Why the cane? I mean, obviously she needs it. Not like it's a fashion accessory. I'm just wondering how bad the injury was that she couldn't manage without it for even a few minutes.
She looks great though. I mean, think of her age - 46! She looks great. I wish I had her skin.
Brooklyn Decker:
You have that body and you chose this? Ew.
The dress is awful, the color is terrible, her hair is worse. Ew. Ew. Ew/
Cameron Diaz:
I hate myself because I really like this dress, but I do want to make many comments about her hair and her face. Why so sullen, millionairess?
Oh wait, maybe she just saw her hair in someone's camera. WTF?!
Camilla Belle:
This dress is STUNNING. It's beautiful. The detail is so subtle and the mesh at the top is done so well. Her hair is a little severe, but it works. It really does. This is one of my faves.
Carey Mulligan / Pretty Fish:
Too shiny. Then the shoes are like this weird satin thing. It's not good. Every picture I perused of her consisted of a glaring light flashing off of her dress onto her face. It's daring, but that doesn't make it good.
Chanel Iman & Tom Ford:
Chanel Iman was massively mocked for constantly clinging to Tom Ford all night. I can't fault a bitch. If I was within touching distance of Tom Ford, I would likely be doing that too. Look at him. No. Seriously. TAKE A MOMENT AND LOOK AT TOM FORD.
Look at his tux! Oh my god. I don't even care what she's wearing. He's so fantastic.
Chloe Sevigny:
If you read this blog you know this hurts me immensely to say: Chloe Sevigny looks HOT. She should always have her hair this color. It's SO much better. Her skin is glowing, the hair color is bringing out her eyes and her cheeks...incredible.
The dress is dumb-a-riffic, but you can't win 'em all.
Claire Danes:
Why does
nothing ever fit this woman properly? I get it, she has an ultra tiny upper body and kind of a pear shape going on in her bottom area, but come on! If a lowly moron like me can get stuff tailored, why can't she?
I don't like this at all. It's just distracting...Then there's her hair. Gibbs? Opinion?
Coco Rocha:
Well. THIS is a choice. What a unique idea: match your hair to your top.
Oh god. The shoes. Why is this so bad? There are so many terrible things happening all at once. I hate it. It makes me mad.
Cristina Ricci:
Speaking of making me mad. This bacteria that grew on Cristina Ricci's Peaches 'n' Cream Barbie dress is really creepy And what is with that random bit of underboob? And then there's that flap of underarm that is a bit too prominent and I can't tear my eyes away from it.
Then her feet. They're so uncomfortable. Like she's flexing every single muscle in her body just to stay like that.
Hate it!
Dakota Fanning:
Awww.
That is all.
Debra Messing:
Lovely, perfection. Best hair ever.
Diane Kruger:
What?! What is going on here? This doesn't fit, it looks like a tent and she seems to have skipped hair and make-up! WTF?
This is not what I've come to expect from Mrs Pacey.
Also, is she carrying a pencil case as a clutch?
Dianna Agron:
Just short of perfect. Her stylist needs a travel steamer. Those are some VERY unfortunate car wrinkles going on there.
Seriously though, how pretty is she?
Elizabeth Banks:
Too. Many. Patterns. And, you should not need shoulder armor at a gala. Or a hair-met.
This is unfortunate and hurts my eyes.
Emily Blunt:
Oh my god. Imagine this was you? This would be your favorite picture of you EVER. EVER.
She looks amazing, I love the color, I love the fabric. I love her.
Emma Stone:
I'm glad that she seems to be having fun, but nothing about this makes me happy. It makes her look like she's going to see the Nutcracker for the first time. As a very, very young girl.
She's so pretty and I want to love this, but it's so wrong.
Eva Mendes:
She should win an award simply for not being completely wrinkled. Like, I do not understand how she got there in that outfit and looks that good. Maybe she took a city bus and stood the whole time...not likely. The color is amazing on her, and there
is something about it that I really like...but I can't pinpoint it. It's almost as if I'd love to see a shorter peplum with some cropped black trousers and not with that awful curtain skirt.
Florence Welch:
Oh Flo. You silly goof you.
I imagine standing next to her was complicated. If you're FloWe, this is what you should wear. So good for her.
Ginnifer Goodwin:
This one needs a firm backhand. The dress is really quite beautiful, but why always with the face? Smile, for the love of god.
What is going on with her feet. Are those toe shoes?
Giselle Bundchen & Tom Brady:
Tom - stop letting Gisele dictate your hairstyle. Continue, however, to let her pick your clothes, because that is majorly styling.
G - you're giving me a case of the yawns with this dress.
Gwyneth Paltrow:
As much as it annoys me, Gwyneth Paltrow rarely falters when it comes to style. This is one of those rare exceptions because I'm quite certain I saw this at Victoria's Secret just a couple of days later as a slutty apron.
I expect more G.
I mean...how does she sit? It must be full vag.
Hailee Steinfeld:
You are under 18, this is the perfect dress.
Heidi Klum:
For someone who, since splitting with Seal, has been notorious for some seriously slutty fashion choices, I'm happy. I quite like this. Very pretty and the color is unexpected and she looks relaxed.
Hilary Swank & Jessica Alba:
Hilary Swank grosses me out. Her body is amazing,her hair is great but then there is her face. Ugh. And her voice. The worst. Oh wait. No. Her dress is the worst. The color is icky, much too fall for an event in May; her hair is far too side swept. And are those BOOTS? Ugh. I loathe her.
Alba is also rocking the side swept hair. I use the term 'rocking' loosely, because I don't like it again. She wins this battle because she doesn't have horse face and because her dress is pretty awesome...though, WTF is she doing with her life? I feel like she's a professional mom now...
Jamie King:
WHAT IS THIS MESS?
This is terrible. It looks so limp.
And her hair. Oh god. This is so bad on so many levels.
January Jones:
This dress is amazing in a couple of way...horrible in a couple of others...First, the good: it is impeccably cut; it has been tailored to fit her like a glove (ahem Claire Danes); it makes her boobs look amazing; the color is very refreshing. Now the bads: the black insets are very distracting; the red nipple covers are even more distracting; the necklace doesn't match at all.
She's so gorge though, she's pulling it off.
Jessica Chastain:
Oh, this makes her look so wide because of that expanse of chest. She's still hot, but it's not the best look. And the bangs...I feel like she borrowed those from my grade 6 photo.
Jessica Stam:
Harumph. Seriously. I know not what is going on here. Or maybe it's the fact that the top of the dress is so blatantly over texturized and constructed that I really can't stand the fact that she has on all those ethnic bangles, like she's wearing a relaxed maxi dress. Something is very seriously off here.
Julianna Marguiles & Narciso Rodriques:
First of all, how adorable is he? He's like the human version of Topogigio. OMG. Going to hell. And then, secondly, how 90's is she? Yeesh.
Hate.
Julianne Hough:
Ok. I see what she's trying to do here. Doesn't mean I like it. But I see. I find the dress too stuffy for the hair choice, and she just looks uncomfortable. Let's be honest.
Karen Elson & Alexa Chung:
Oy.
That is all.
Karolina Kurkova:
This is amazing on so many levels. First, just because the dress is amazing, but then because she has a matching head piece. But then there is her pose. I love this. I wish she didn't have those massive teeth...or she kept her mouth closed all the time.
This is so Halston 70's. I'm in love.
Kate Bosworth:
I like that she has the balls to wear her natural hair without extensions and have that teeny, tiny little bun. Mine is not much bigger than that and it gives me comfort that someone in Hollywood actually has their natural hair.
In other news, her outfit is perfection, her make-up ties in flawlessly and she looks great and like she's carrying a little more weight than normal. Love!
Kate Upton:
This is the one who wasn't wearing much on the Sports Illustrated cover, right?
Wow is this unflattering. Look how wide it makes her look at the hips. Now, she does not have narrow hips at all, but there's no reason her stomach needs to look like this.
Then there is her make-up...It's like she pressed her face onto one of those Mac papers they used to give you after a make-over in the 90's. It's SO heavy, so dark. Ick. Not her best outing.
Katharine McPhee:
Speaking of boobs...yeesh. Maybe next time she should get a dress with a slighlty lower bustline so it doesn't look like she's intent on eating her boobs.
The dress is quite lovely, but her chest is so distracting...I can barely take it.
Keri Hilson:
It's like the boob brigade!
For such a beautiful woman, she sure has managed to look cheap here. Thsi dress is really not doing it for me and it's not that it's not pretty, it's that her push-up bra situation is blinding me.
Kirsten Dunst:
Oh COME ON!
WTF?! God I want to punch her in the face.
Kristen Bell:
You know, it's not a bad effort, but it's not a great one either. This dress is pretty, but it has car wrinkles and it looks like she made up the part at the neck...I don't know. I think she has problems dressing herself...
Kristen Stewart:
Those shoes are SO heinous that I want to cut out my eyes and serve them to someone as lychees in their martini.
Then I would use her voice to find her face and punch her in it for being so f-ing sullen all the time.
Kristen Wiig:
It hurts my feelings that Kristen Wiig would finally do color and it would be this. Her hair looks amazing in this color and her skin is glowing like crazy, and I know this is Stella McCartney, but it doesn't make it ok.
Also, what's with those shoes?
Lana Del Rey:
Ugh.
You're no Gwyneth Paltrow, please don't try to wear a cape.
Lea Michele:
I was in love with this until I saw her necklace. Then it hurt my feelings. But the dress is spectacular and she looks amazing.
Leighton Meester:
Oh my god. What is going on here? Why does she look so terrible? How could she leave the house like this? This is so unflattering that it makes me want to cry. Is this an old photo? Why does it seem so ugly AND familiar?
Leslie Mann:
Doesn't Judd Apatow make enough money to feed his wife? Doesn't he make enough money so that she doesn't have to wear cast-off's from the rich, drunk millionare's wives housecoat collection? And those shoes! Gahhh!
Lily Collins:
You are not Florence Welch. Do not take her cast offs.
Linda Evangelista:
If I were her I'd look this happy too. She just made the deal of a lifetime for child support from Salma Hayek's rich-ass husband.
She looks amazing for her age.
M.I.A.:
Ugh, Really?
Now I want to give YOU the finger.
Marc Jacobs:
Because you shouldn't ignore genius...but buckle shoes make me worried. Surprisingly more than the lace polo dress.
Wow. What is wrong with me?
Marion Cotillard:
This looks amazingo n her. While I am over this whole sheer thing, this IS admittedly beautiful. And look how cute she is! How can you not love her with that dorky little smile?
Mary Kate Olsen:
What in holy hell happened to her head?
Jesus. I fear I will have nightmares.
Mia Wasikowska:
How old is this girl? Why does she dress so terribly? Ugh. This is just a step away from Kirsten Dunst and we all know how I feel about her.
Nicole Richie:
Hate the hair, love the 70's-ness of the dress. I'm not normally in love with open sleeves like this, but she's making it work in that particular pose. Maybe it's awful in another one...
Nina Dobrev:
She's adorable, this is beautiful, though I'm questioning that strap. Looks necessary, but kind of ugly...
Paula Patton:
I don't know who you are, but I can tell you that I find your dress to be a bit much. There was NO need to match your earrings to it.
What a crazy body though. Yeesh. That neckline was MADE for her.
Rashida Jones:
I'm going to make a bold call: this is the BEST Rashida Jones has ever looked. EVER.
Who is she dating? They are doing good things for her.
Rihanna:
Speaking of good things. Looking good missy. This is HOT.
Rooney Mara:
I super want to punch this girl in the throat. At least she's smiling a tiny bit. Makes me hate her slightly less.
Sarah Jessica Parker:
Remember in the 'Babysitter's Club' books when Mary-Anne would always have Laura Ashley floral dresses? Ugh. This, to me, is the gown version of the hideous dresses that were described. This is the worst.
Hate it.
Shailene Woodley:
Have you seen 'The Descendants'? See it. This girl is great in it. And she's great in this dress. So pretty and young and fun. What amazing skin. Ugh. I hate ageing.
Solange Knowles:
Bold statement:
best dress. That's right. This dress is INCREDIBLE. The color is spot on, looks amazing with her skin and she didn't muss it up with too many accessories or fussy hair.
I love this look.
This is my favourite. Shut up. This is how we spell it in Canada.
Victoria Justice:
I'm really not sure if I can handle these kinds of shoes coming back. They're just so ugly. And uncomfortable.
This dress is unpleasant and makes me want to barf. Especially with those shoes. And, like, she couldn't have done something else with her hair? Like, I get it, you ahve beautiful hair despite the insanely humid weather in NYC last week...Maybe you could have put it in a bun? i don't know.
Ew. Leighton Meester is in the background...so it wasn't a nighrmare.
Ok - there it is people. I'm sorry it took so long. It was a lot of pics and I was away last week. Hope you've enjoyed!
