Asslee, more and more like Jessica

Asslee, Asslee, Asslee. Do you think we're not going to notice? The thinner nose? The blonder, longer hair, the puffy lips? We know you are trying to be Jessica. In fact, lately, you're looking better than Jessica. And trust me, missy, it hurts me to say that.

Mind you, I'm no fool, I know it's aided by lots of plastic surgery.

Jess, I need you to put in the extensions again, jump in the shower and fuck it up. If not, I will have to consider you a victim of the...Dun, dun, dun! CURSE OF THE YOUNGER SISTER!

Nicky Hilton

This isn't about Paris, so it doesn't violate my Paris Hilton Post Ban...but it's close.

Nicky looks fucking terrible. Remember when she was the good one? Good god. She looks like a fucking truck ran over her. I still prefer her to her whore of a sister though.

In my opinion, red lipstick should be reserved for moments of true glamour. It should be clean, pristine and perfect. It should not look like this.

Or like it has on Britney. Lipliner ladies, lipliner.

Christ almighty.

J-Lo to give birth to first Vampire-Human being

This woman is beautiful. Her husband...not so much.

The gossip world is exploding today with "confirmations" from sources close to the couple (I hate the term "sources close to") that she is in fact 3 months pregnant.

Here are some pictures (courtesy of Just Jared) of her shopping recently (CURSE YOU LEGGINGS!!!) and I don't see anything out of the ordinary. She's not a skinny lady, y'all. She's a curvy, bodacious woman. I don't see a bump, except for her ass.

We'll see. We'll see. I just hope it doesn't come out with bat wings.

Julia Stiles likes the pink taco

Lainey brought up an excellent point in her latest column.

Does your gaydar go off for flat-face Julia Stiles? Mine's dinging in the 'Maybe' region. Especially with these horrific pictures. Yikes.

Britney pissed at Kevin - yah, join the club

To be honest Brit, we're ALL pissed at him for ruining our perfect little pop tartlet.

She's apparently been keeping secrets from him because he's leaking information to the press, through his friends. But in doing that, his friends are SELLING the information. This is pissing Britney off, so she's cut him off from all the information, not even telling him she was going on Letterman to announce the pregnancy.

Here's Brit and the Manny/Producer (can anyone confirm what this guy is?). SPF is so goddam cute. He's like the Stay Puft marshmallow man.

Julianne Moore's daughter

I'm sorry, but does anyone else think that Julianne Moore's daughter might be a clone of Lindsay Lohan?

What a cute little girl! And I love Julianne Moore in all her pale glory! Yay!

Her husband could use some prettying up, but hey, you can't win 'em all.

[Source: JustJared]

THOSE are Mariah's legs?

Here is a picture of the replica legs I mentioned yesterday. Ummmmmm. Maybe those were her legs a few years ago...not so much now. But you know what? She's still hotness now, she just needs to dress better.

God, those are some giant legs. You could do so many funny things with them...It would be funny if they were mechanical and could walk around the country saving people from injustices.

Hee hee.

Bryce Dallas Howard - VERY cute

Bryce Dallas Howard is very pretty. Very pretty! I thought she was quite lovely in 'The Village,' and when I heard they were casting her as Gwen Stacy in Spiderman 3, I was pleasantly surprised.

Gwen Stacy is Spiderman's true love. Which means, hopefully, we won't have to see Kirsten Dunst in a wet top again this movie. ~Shudder~ Oh god, my breakfast almost just came up.

I love her nose! That is a cute nose! She's cute! Yay for her! I also love her name.

She's a cutie, and I think she looks lovely here, even if she does have to stand with Toby "pudgy" Maguire.

Ben had a headache

Something stinks about this story. Rushed to hospital because of a migraine? That's ridiculous.

Lainey has some juicy info from a doctor friend of hers, saying that had he gone to the hospital for a migraine, he would have stayed quite a bit longer than he did. Even if he is a hollywood star. And again, if it was necessary to go to the hospital, it would have been for an injection of something that our rehabbed Ben probably shouldn't have been having.

Hmmm. What could it be?

Or could it have just been a headache. God, I love speculation.

Justin Timberlake - no more showers

Ever since this guy got together with that hermaphrodite bitch, he has looked dirty and unappealing. I'm sure that he grows his beard because he prefers it to the rash he gets from rubbing on her stubbly face, but god, he looks so gross.

Speaking of gross. Cameron Diaz is. Not only is she a point in the Axis of Evil, but she is slowly creeping up my list of people I would murder even though I know I would go to jail. I think it might make some people happy. Especially those who have seen 'In Her Shoes.'

God I hate her. Here they are together at Shag in LA, you'd think she would have attempted to look good. But noooooooooooooooo, she can't do any of us a favour and maybe put on a hat to cover that nastiness.

Mischa is a brat

If I wasn't already calling for her to be killed, her bratty, bitchy behavior is making me call out my thugs.

I really dislike this girl. And I'm not really sure why. Oh well. Read this:

"You're so [bleeping] retarded!" the magazine reports Mischa told her mom, when she had trouble working the Ritz's elevator key. "What idiot can't put a [bleeping] key in? You're so stupid — it takes you 10 hours to do anything!"

But Mama Barton took it all in stride. "You're mad about something that has nothing to do with me," she said sagely. "Stop with the attitude!"

If I was her mom I'd smack her across the elevator. Just kidding, I don't condone violence against children...wait, she's an adult. Oh, I'd hit her. Hard.

Stand up straight, bitch!

Jen & Vince - cute

Vince threw out the first pitch at a baseball game yesterday in Chicago and Jen was there to cheer him on.

Look how cute they are watching the game. I like her relaxed, all-white outfit. Especially with her lovely tan. Does anyone know what 'brand' spray tan she uses? I need some of that shit b/c I look like a dead person come to life.

I watched her segment on Dave Letterman last night. She is super cute. I love her.
Here's a little-known fact: she's had extensions for ~ the past year. Right after her split with doofus, she cut off all her hair and felt stupid, so she wore extensions. Only now is her hair all natural and back to its previous lovely condition. I wonder if she still uses horse shampoo...

Shut up. She might.

[Sources: Popsugar & Life Style Extra]

Shiloh to be a Namibian

Damn Zahara is cute.

Brangelina had their baby. It will probably be the most beautiful being of all time. But we'll see... I have known plenty of ugly people spawned from REALLY attractive parents. There is a formula to it. Ask Lainey, she knows.

Namibia, the nation who has been protecting Brad & Angie from the press, lions, AIDS, etc, has now offered Shiloh citizenship in Namibia. Maddox is going to be pissed! Why can't he have that?
Shiloh the Namibian baby. I like it. It sounds like a Disney movie.

It never ends! Also 50% of Namibians polled recently think that Shiloh's birthday should be considered a national holiday (normally reserved for the births and deaths of royalty). That's fucking brilliant! They went there to escape their celebrity and now even the Namibians are celeb crazy. Do they get In Touch there too?

[Sources: IBN & SMH]

Tori spelling looks like an idiot

I'm not sure about floor-length dresses. They seem a little too bohemian / 70's.

Also, when you pair them with a disgusting face and pig tails (WTF???) it's absolutely worse.

I refuse to post about Paris Hilton, so I end up posting about this doof.

God, I hope something more interesting happens today. Isn't anyone else due to give birth?

Just so you know...

It's a really frigging slow news day...

I heard a rumour that Britney has asked for a legal separation from Kevin though...she's apparently given him $350,000 to fuck off.

Here's hoping!

Keira Knightly - Other people hate her too!

Apparently, other people hate Keira Knightly too! Yipee! I'm going to start an anti-fan club.

Two of the most read periodicals in England, The Sun and The Mirror, have ripped her to shreds for her crappy fashion sense and drunken behavior this past week in England.

She wore this incredibly fugly jumper (see pic) out shopping all day, with what looks to be leggings or VERY opaque tights and clompy shoes. And then she wore it out to a club. They both slammed her for wearing the same thing to 2 places (fuck, even I change at least once a day and I'm po'), and for being super trashed.

She was so trashed that she took her 10-person party out of the VIP section (which is a no-no for celebrities) and started dancing right next to the washroom. Ew. The washroom? That's fucking gross.

I would love to say she fell into the washroom and doused her head in a toilet that hadn't been flushed for hours, but that didn't happen. Well, not outside my head.

[Source - Egotastic]

Mariah ensures her legs for $1 billion

Mariah Carey has insured her legs for $1 billion after securing a contract to be the face/legs of Gillette's Legs Of A Goddess campaign.

There will be a press conference today in NYC where a 16 ft likeness of the diva will be 'unveiled.' Oy.

Hee hee, take a look at these pictures:

Photoshopped

Not Photoshopped

There is definitely a difference. Mind you, I love her curviness and praise her hot legs!

So, basically, if I were to say, chop off Mariah's legs...she would get 1 billion dollars. I wonder if she would install some crazy bionic legs. That would be cool. I think someone put crack in my tea.

[Source]

Nicole in a bikini - revisited

Ok, sorry, not to dwell, but here is a side by side comparison of Nicole in a bikini now, and 5 months ago. She looks gol-darn fat compared to then.

[Source: Hollywood Rag ]

Faye Dunaway - please tell me this is joke

I have no words. It's just so bad.

Ok, who am I kidding, I do have words. From the front you think, 'ok, it's not the most flattering dress, but it's ok, I mean she's old, we can't expect her to be so on the ball.' And then she turns around!

What you thought might have just been an atrocity of multi-coloured satin is actually and atrocity with what looks like a satin ribbon bear trap on the back. I can't even imagine what would happen to her ass if someone stepped on that dangling ribbon. Would it eat her? God, I'm so scared just looking at it.

Run children, run!

Britney cleans up for Hunky McGolfShirt

Britney sports her crimson lips again! She's dressing up! Yes, she looks terrible in comparison to what she used to look like, but she looks gorgeous compared to what she's been looking like since SPF's birth.

Apparently, the jury is still out on whether Hunky McGolfShirt is her nanny or the music producer, but whatever is getting her in shower, I'll take.

You look pretty Brit. Don't let that skeezy husband of yours bring you down.

Let's not talk about the fact that SPF is chewing on a piece of coloured paper that probably contains toxic dyes.

Good lord, I hope not

Gossip sites/shows/mags have been buzzing for quite a while about Fergie and whether or not she is carrying Josh Duhamel's baby.

Lots of people get moist in the crotch area over this guy, I don't really see it. He's definitely good looking, but I don't care for him. I think it's because he looks like he could be a relative of mine.

Here she is at a show in South Africa over the weekend. I do believe I see a little bump. Is it possible? She normally has incredibly flat abs...

What do you think?

If the rumours are true about her recent revisitation of her former drug habit, I hope for the baby's sake, it isn't. No one likes a baby with 6 arms. Well, an octopus, but that's to be expected.

Just to make her feel better

Dear Jen,
This must have been a rough weekend for you. Your movie is coming out this week and his new lady goes and gets a C-section. Can she stop trying to one-up you, for the love of god? No, but you know why? Because they know you're better than them.

Yah, she has pillow lips and a crazy curvy body, but you have fantastic hair and a kick-ass tight body. She is well known as a brother-kissing, hillbilly-marrying, blood-drinking vixen. You, on the other hand, are known as the perfect, sun-kissed, American beauty.

And look how cute you and Vince look! I love the size difference, I love the goofiness. You guys are so cute! AND, you are actually modest and stay out of the public eye, instead of traipsing around the globe like media ho's.

Although I know everyone is buzzing about Shiloh, you are still the hotness.
Don't fret, my pet, it will all be better soon,
XOX,
Sara

Nicole Richie and her posse

I am alarmed to notice that her friend on the left seems to be thinner than her. Apparently that is the reason for her split with DJ AM. He wanted her to gain weight and she just couldn't do it.

Seriously, can we get over the skinny thing? It's getting out of hand.

I don't know how down I am on the posse thing, or the weird neck wrap thing, or the weird sunglasses thing...but whatever. I still love her a ton more than Paris.

Tara Reid is undesirable

Tara Reid. She is a human disaster. She is everything that can go wrong, all at once.

Lainey, Canadian gossip goddess, saw her in Cannes looking wretched, obviously...she said her boobs were down to her knees. Tar, they're supposed to put in silicone, not lead. Look into it.

And then, to make her life even more pitiful, she got kicked out of a Budweiser party. Budweiser. Not Cristal, or Moet & Chandon, BUDWEISER. Note to self: you know you are super-trash when you get booted from a crappy American beer party.

Yikes.

Take stock T, you might want to look into a serious make-over.

Kate Bosworth - high on life?

Kate Bosworth is:

a) wearing an ugly dress
b) extremely high on a yummy chemical
c) dead inside from being way too thin
d) all of the above

I pick D.

How about you?

Jake and Natalie - is it so?

Here they are in NYC over the weekend having lunch. He gave her flowers! How cute is that? I think that would be super cute! They should totally make hot babies.

Mischa - can we kill HER now?

The Lord Lohan answered my calls and made sure that Marissa died on the OC. NOW, I think I may have to ask for Mischa to die.

I know you're only in T-dot (Toronto, Canada), but that doesn't mean that you can just trounce around in boxers and an oversize t-shirt. Who do you think you are? A 'What Not To Wear' victim? You're about to be.

Also, gold ballet flats with that dorm-room outfit. Ick.

PS - I apologize for using the term 'T-dot', but I couldn't help it. It's just so stupid that it's irresistable. Hee hee!

The Daily Lohan: Tanning & multi-use outfit

She enters with one outift, changes the strap configuration and comes out with another outfit. How do you not love her? She's so versatile.

And, once again she took the high road when Brandon Davis issued a public apology for being SO RUDE to her and hasn't reacted. She's so classy. I love her.

Ohhhhmmmmmmmmmmm! I love her.

Jude Law & Sienna Miller - primo idiots

I don't know what it is exactly, but I hate these two. I really hate them. I hate Jude Law because he is smarmy and weasely...And I hate Sienna Miller because she seems to be the blonde Kiera Knightly...And we all know how much I love her.

Here are some pictures of the morons this past weekend:

Jude jogging in his undies. Seriously? Is he kidding? MK @ DListed made a hilarious joke about it...I won't steal it, that hotness deserves all the glory he can get.

In all seriousness, boxers might be passable if they weren't patterned. How about a black pair? You know what? I retract that statement, b/c all boxers have crotch boxes. Not acceptable outerwear. Especially when you're a millionaire.

And here they are shopping. Jude, once again, looking like a fucking tool. I don't mean to be all in this ho's face, but your BOYFRIEND IS GAY. Seriously. Mo-tastic. Deal with it.

Although, on second thought, no self-respecting gay man would go out wearing boxers OR the above outfit. Maybe it's his camouflage...like Tom Cruise and his leather jackets, girlfriend, constant making out; or Ryan Seacrest with his facial hair, hot girls around him, etc.

Think about it.

Baby Week 2006

Ok, not really...but two attractive couples had their babies in 2 days. Yip. Eee.

First, Gwen and Gavin:
Gwen gave birth to 7½ lb. Kingston James McGregor Rossdale on Friday afternoon. I wonder if she wore red lipstick during the birthing...

Cute name!

And of course, Angelina and Brad:
Angelina gave birth to Shiloh Nouvel (don't fucking get me started on those names) Jolie-Pitt in Namibia yesterday...whatever will this child look like? Will she be beautiful like her parents or ugly because of the parental equation? You never know.
I am irritated to have been watching CNN last night at 1 am and they had a NEWS BREAK because of the birth of the child. That's fucking ridiculous. Also, because I saw that right before going to bed, I dreamt about being pregnant all night. Yikes!

Congratulations to all and I hope that everyone is healthy.

Brain Austin Green gets his junk grabbed at

Ha ha! This is going to be embarrassing when she finds out!

Brian Austin Green (David from 90210) was at lunch with Megan Fox (who the fuck?) and she decided to reach over and grab his junk...

I think the best part of it is how chill they look...like they're talking about the cat doing something funny at breakfast this morning. Also, the fact that they're on an outdoor terrasse on a FUCKING street is brilliant. Is this girl an idiot?

If she likes crotch, she should hang out with Borat...

Oh, ha ha ha. Celebrities are so silly!

Praise sweet Jesus!

Thank fuck! Apparently, Hasbro has decided to scrap their plans to realease a line of dolls based on the PussyCat Dolls.

The problem arose when their marketing team couldn't come up with anything better than "Teaching Little Girls to be Ho's" as the slogan. Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously! Here's the real story:

The No. 2 toymaker, which had planned to market the racy dolls to girls as young as 6, bowed to a letter-writing campaign launched last month by Brooklyn mom Lisa Flythe. "Every single person I spoke to was shocked that this would even be considered," said Flythe, 43, who has a 4-year-old daughter.

"It could be an appropriate adult entertainment product, but definitely not for kids." Flythe wrote to Hasbro officials last month after hearing about the outrageous plans for the dolls based on the Dolls, a campy burlesque group of dancers. The Dolls, who are hugely popular with teenagers, have a crossover hit with their song "Don't Cha" featuring lyrics about group sex.

"Parents were instantly upset about it," said Josh Golin of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which helped spearhead the backlash. "They're scantily clad. Their lyrics are sexual," Golin added.

Um, DUH, you fucking retards. Mind you, I'm pretty impressed with the public for actually getting of their fat asses and doing something.

[Source: Daily Dish via A Socialite's Life]

Wow! Someone looks gross!

Britney, Britney, Britney, didn't you learn your lesson on wedge shoes? Do you really think it's wise to be sporting, what look to be, 5" platform heels after you fell off a pair and almost dropped your baby last week? Yes, some are blaming on your over-long jeans, but I know platforms, and you can easily fall off...

Although I feel the shoes are way too high, I am loving them...sans bow.

I am equally horrified by your dress and lipstick. And how short that ugly frock is, you have MILLIONS of dollars...why can't you look good? I have, at times, less than $10 in the bank, and I look better than you.

Also, is that a fucking coffee you're drinking? You're fucking pregnant, you tard.

And is that your new nanny you are walking down the street with? Who's taking care of the baby? Kevin? Are you insane?

You need me Brit. Call me. I will take care of you and make EVERYTHING better.

It's really not good y'all

I am, however, happy to hear the following:
OK! Magazine: Pop princess Britney Spears is reportedly having an affair with her pop producer Jonathan 'JR' Rotem. Rotem, who recently scored a number one hit with a song he produced for Rihanna, S.O.S, has been "hard at work" with Britney over the past few weeks. Now it appears that they have definately been hard at work in the studio, but not in the way originally thought! Britney is even considering getting a paternity test once her baby is born later this year because she may be unsure of the father. A friend close to Spears said last night, "Britney is terrified. She doesn't want Kevin or her mom to find out. She's been really unhappy with Kevin recently." This comes as another blow to Spears, 24, who last week almost dropped her tot on the street. Britney married backup dancer Kevin Federline in September 2004. They already have a son, 9 month old Sean Preston, together

God, I hope it's true. Ever since she's been with Kevin she looks like super-trash.

Chloe - No-ey

Ha ha, that title rhymes. God, I am tired. Sorry. I totally did it on purpose.

Here's someone else I think is gross. Her face is atrocious. No good! Stop being everywhere!

It girl, my ass. She looks like one of those girls that could look pretty if you had 57 beers. And then you'd barf on her.

Ooh, I would pay someone to do that.