2011 MTV VMA's (aka the Beyonce is Pregnant Show)

So...the VMA's were last night. Apparently the show was a bore. I was dealing with a massive hangover so I was unable to watch it, but I heard from several sources that it was bland and that Beyonce stole everyone's thunder by announcing her pregnancy on the red carpet and then again on stage.

Just last week she did a 3 show stint in NYC and no one noticed that she was pregnant...she got us. All. Good for her. Can you imagine the talent on the kid tha comes out? Amazing. Not to mention the insane style. Ugh. Amazing.

Ok, let's do the first round (inevitably more pics will come out today and I'll do a 2nd post, as usual)

Adele:

Looking not unlike a 70's Miss Piggy here, but who cares what she looks like? She's too amazing.

If you haven't already purchased both her albums, do so immediately. You will thank me. She has the most incredible voice. She redid 'Lovesong' and it is one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. Lately I've been listening to her while I drive and I'm sure I look like a maniac because I'm singing so hard with her. Wooo, anyway.

I will point out the talon nails though. They're coming back...can you work with those? I can barely function when my nails pass the my fingertips in length, I don't know how people do that.

Beyonce:

She wins the night. Over everyone. She trumped any award, Britney's lifetime achievement award, everything. Her publicist is a genius. She performed her ass off too, better than non-preggos all over the world.

Love her red carpet dress. It's amazing.

Bonnie McGee:

I know nothing about this girl except that I'd rather not see the bottom portion of her ass again.

Britney Spears:

I watched the first 5 minutes on demand this morning, and Britney's reaction to Gaga's alter ego man character was so fantastic. She looked so put off.

She looked really good last night. Really clean and happy and very pretty. And seeing her out and about looking like this, we know what a triumph this is over her regular days. I don't find this shooties (shoe booties) to be a triumph though...she has muscular legs and those cut her in a weird place. My legs are very similar to hers and I try really hard not to wear anything like that because it cuts at such a bad place.

29 years old and she received a lifetime achievement award. Wow.

Demi Lovato:

Why does she look so old? She looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet and then brushed clean. Like when you used to try to style you Barbie's hair and then it basically just ruined it an she ended up looking really budget? That's how I think of Demi Lovato. Sad and budget. And frankly, unnecessary, no?

Jersey Shore girls:

So...I wasn't sure how to break it to you guys, but I'm not sure I can tolerate Jersey Shore anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm getting old or because I know how much these assholes are getting paid, but I just can't lately...Like, I have to rush through the episodes...and I'm considering not watching anymore. I mean...look at them.

Most of all, look at JWoww's face. WTF is going on there? Deena's dress and hair? Sammi looks pretty, but then you watch the show and she opens her mouth and you just want to kill yourself and then Snooki...

I need these people to go away now. They can't be permanent reality TV celebrities. I'm done. They're too annoying.

Jessi J:

Blinging out crutches is awesome. Even awesomer will be if she gives them to a kids' wish foundation or something afterward. How cute would that be?

I hear she sang the hell out of everything she performed and totally kicked ass. Of course she did. She's wearing white tights and doesn't look horrific.

Katie Holmes:

What now?

Also, WTF is that pose?

She looks amazing hair/face wise, but that outfit. Why doe she think I'm going to trust her to design clothes. That are available at Barney's and other equally exclusive and expensive retailers.

Ugh. She sucks.

Katy Perry:

Some celebrities can get away with going around make-up free. Katy Perry is not one of them. And it's not because she's not naturally beautiful, but because her persona requires her to be SO over the top made-up that seeing her naked faced is really alarming...especially when she's having a bad skin day, like here.

She was regular silly Katy Perry last night...I heard there were a lot of jokes about tequila and that she and Russell looked a little awkward together...which maybe because of the tequila jokes and the obvious drunkenness (I heard)...he's a former SERIOUS addict...so maybe a drunk ass wife isn't his ideal sitch...

I also wasn't fond of the cube she wore on her head later on. Like, really?

Kelly Rowland:

Someone is super proud of her breast implants. Geez. We get it Kelly, you got your boobs done. I just had to Google to find out if she's actually released anything since Destiny's Child because I couldn't figure out why she was there.

Apparently she's still relevant.

Kim Kardashian:

I almost killed myself earlier when I read about the suite she and her hubby have at some posh hotel in New York while they're filming Kourtney and Khloe...it made me hate my life and hate this twat so much.

But then I think of what her giant boobs and ass have done for female body image and how she is not called fat, where a few years ago she might have been...But, then she cries when she's in a pool and loses her earring that costs more than I make in a year and I want to kill her again.

I'm torn. But not about this dress. I hate it. It's backless, FYI, I just couldn't stomach posting the back

Maria Menounos:

Her too. I'm over it. I actually quite like the dress and hate myself for liking the dress, but I love green. I'm a sucker for it. And when you're tan like she is (anyone know what brand of tanner she uses, aside from being Greek) green looks GOOD.

She's too annoying though, I can't handle it.

Miley Cyrus:

Speaking of annoying...again, another primo segue! It is MY week.

I hate this dress. I makes me stabby. Honestly though, she could be wearing the exact same thing as me and I would still hate it because I hate her.

Nicki Minaj:

Too far Nicki. TOO FAR. I really enjoy the biscuit aspect of her hair though. Doesn't it looked like a baked good you would tear apart and eat while dipping into sauce? OMG, clearly my salad wasn't a satisfying lunch.

For real though, she is weird.

Selena Gomez:

You know, i was really into this dress until I saw her shoes. I hate those shoes. And then I saw her bobble head above it all. I don't want her to be relevant, I'm too tired and I don't need new idiots. Also, watching her and Ellen Bieberneres kiss all the time is grossing me out.

But the dress is gorge. GORGE.

Vanessa Hudgens:

Seriously, I thought this was Zoe Kravitz. Wow. This is quite a different look for this one. She looks very odd though. Like, unrecognizable.

I love the dress, it's very sleek and glamorous, but I'm not loving the hair and make-up...it's really severe and really 90's. Ugh, remember when people wore makeup like that all the time?

You know who doesn't remember? Vanessa Hudgens. Barf. So young. Youth is making me bitter today.

Victoria Justice:

Who IS this? Ugh, Google just informed me that it is another Disney/Nickleodeon spawn. ENOUGH HOLLYWOOD!

Omg. I just read her age. Am killing self now. She is 18.

Woo, ok, that's it for the first batch. I hope you enjoyed it. I busted my butt a bit to get it out early (and by busted my butt I mean I spent my whole lunch hour writing it).

Enjoy!