The 2011 Grammy's - AKA The Bieber Disappointment Show

Well, last night was the Grammy's. I didn't see it. I have been off all weekend, no work, no work at my hub's gym/business, just lying around and doing nothing. And eating terribly. TERRIBLY. Seriously. I need to go to the gym.

People who did go to the gym, wore things and went to the Grammy's last night. And saw Justin Bieber get crushed when he didn't win best new artist AND saw Christina Aguilera fall down. AWESOME week Christina.

Ok, there are a lot of pics - let's do this:

Aleesia:

Who? I listen to talk radio. Yes, seriously. If I didn't have friends who listened to actual radio, I would have no clue. And now I have an aspiring DJ working in my office, so he's handing me mixes all the time. Phew. No clue who this lady is though.

Animal print already isn't really the nicest thing - but keeping in mind it is the Grammy's and fashion isn't nearly as classy - this is still ugly. I will say that it fits her very well. No gaping or lumps, but you can tell that she used that iron on stuff from Ikea to do the hem. Boo! Budget.

Now, can someone please tell me who she is?

Ok, wow, that was lazy. I just Googled her and she is Canadian, so I love her. Even if the two songs I can find by her are called 'Angel' and 'Bubble Gum' *shudder*

Christina Aguilera:

Apparently, vocally, she made up for last week. But then she fell. SHE FELL. And girl is on some kind of scary Janet Jackson-esque weight fluctuation that cannot be healthy.

We should always pay tribute to Aretha Franklin because she is fabulous. But having to watch this hot mess fall is the best icing on the cake ever.

Ciara:

I kind of hate this. A lot. It's barely a dress because there are so many parts missing and so much is exposed. I mean, I know it's awards season, but it is still February.

I'm not saying she's not pulling it off, because she is, it's just a lot of bare skin and it's a little overwhelming. I also find those shoes wickedly wrong with the soft etherealness of the dress. They're too dominatrix on an angelic base.

Dianna Agron:

This girl needs to learn how to have fun. I feel like she's so on all the time. Like, take a Xanax or something and relax. Ha ha. I should say do yoga, because that's what my damn doctor is always telling me to avoid having to write things. So annoying.

I know it's only a split second caught on film, but doesn't she look so awkward and a little freaked out. You can tell she attempted to be daring by wearing darker eyeliner, but it is not enough to prevent me from falling asleep. Too boring.

Emily Wright:

I recall reading that she was a sound technician or something, but she wants to be more. Oh does she ever. You do not wear that outfit and have that hair and not want to be more. It makes me love her all sorts and want her to become the next pop sensation. She's very pretty and that dress is really ballsy.

In other news, I wish that I owned those shoes.
Esperanza Spalding:

She could also be known as the one who ruined Justin Bieber's night. She won best new artist, and from what I've heard, she is amazing, and really deserves it. I feel like the Biebs isn't so new. why are we giving him awards for newness?

You know what is new? Her hair/dress/shoe combination! It's like she asked her blind uncle to pick out her outfit. Yeesh. Lucky she's talented.

Eva Longoria:

Still annoying me.

Really? A tutu? Come on.

That top is ridic on that skirt. It should be with a pair of jeans, or something leather. That would be so much better.

Faith Evans:

Ahh, remember 1999? Remember 'Love Like This'? What a kick ass song. She had just lost her hubby, Biggie Smalls and then she and Puff skyrocketed to fame talking about missing him. She looks gorge, I love the darker hair and the bang on her.

I do not love the dolman sleeve Charlie Brown sweater top dress, but I am not her boss and I cannot fault anyone who sings that beautifully. Plus, I'm retro for her.

Florence Welch:

What a creation! I don't know who it's by and I don't think anyone else in the world could pull it off, but FW does. Kind of. I vaguely hate the bell sleeve, and she looks kind of sad about them (I'm guessing and sticking with it) but she is pulling off that weirdness, and as I said previously, it is the Grammy's. If you can't wear a weird woven/mesh cut and sew dress with swan appliqués at the Grammy's, then when can you?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Cee-Lo sing 'F*%k You':

She looks hot. As much as I dislike her, she is pulling it off, sounded amazing on Glee singing this song, even though she didn't sound as fantastic as Glee last night, the performance looked fun and Cee-Lo seems to love her. She's got balls, you have got to give her that

Ugh, now I'm going to have that song in my head for hours again.

The trade off is that I got to see Muppets. Worth it.

Heidi Klum:

Ugh, she should be an Oscar. How lovely is she? I kind of feel like I want to hoist her boobs up a few feet, but still, she's so cute. Hate the hair, boobs are south of normal, but still, so cute. And the dress is glam-fabulous.

Jenna Ushkowitz:

So cute! Much better than what she wore to the last one. And I like that she went short for a fun event. I love her hair like that too. And, covet the shoes.

Jennifer Hudson:

Looks amazing, right? And I don't mean because she's lost all the weight, the dress, the hair, she looks amazing. I find the rapid weight loss a little off-putting actually, and apparently she gets harped on within the industry for losing weight like that. Whatever. Healthy is good. If it was done healthfully then more power to her.

And I have to give her props, she looks amazing. The dress, the hair, the shoes. All very lovely.

Jewel:

Butter yellow? Ew. Lucky she's pregnant, I'll give her a pass on this one, but for real, when was the last time Jewel recorded anything? Why is she still getting to go to the Grammy's? Is this solely off the success of her frog-voiced album from the 90's? Isn't there some new kid who could go in her place?

JLo:

HOTNESS. Seriously. She looks so amazing. Her hair looks mega fake, but the dress is classic JLo and her legs are fab. I also love that no one can stare down a camera quite like Jennifer Lopez. We must not ever forget what a diva she is. I love it.

John Mayer:

Seriously, you could totally mistake him for a lounge singer, who drives a van with blackened windows (one of the would be one of those circle/convex ones) and possibly talks a little too closely to children.

I'm mega creeped out.

Julianne Hough:

She's all over the place. Guess dating Seacrest gets you into stuff. I hate the dress. It's awful. I don't know if it's just this perspective, but the print is really bad, and it's too long. She's endearingly cute and the neckline is nice on her b/c she's not too huge in the boobal region (love it) but the print is heinous. It looks like something found in the discount section of the fabric store.

Justin Bieber:

A part of John Mayer's lounge act? The poor thing. Apparently when he lost to Esperanza he looked a little heart broken. I'm sure he'll get over it. I mean, if I was his age and had that much money...Sure, I'd throw a tantrum, but then I'd go to the bank, get a kilo of coke, some bitches and throw myself a partay!

OMG. I hope teenagers don't read this.

Kate Hudson:

Matt Bellamy of 'Muse' thanked his pregnant girlfriend, who happens to be Kate Moss. She doesn't look too preggo, from this angle, but she does look very lovely and glowy. I hope he's a really good singer, because he's not rocking me on the pheromones scale...looking kind of weasly and gross actually...

Kathy Griffin:

That's a lot of yellow. And those are some seriously coiffed bangs. All in all I don't care for it. A little too glittery banana, not enough fun and short. Grammy's are short, people! You can wear long at any other gd awards show. Wear something short and sassy.

Katy Perry & Russell Brand:

Aww, how cute. Her dress was a bit ridiculous, with the bustier and the wings, but this picture is just so lovely, I can't resist.

There is talk of marriage problems, and knowing that I found it a bit odd when on SNL this weekend Russell Brand wished KP a Happy V Day. It ended up segueing into some stand up about being married, but it made my gossip hound ears flick a little.

In other news, that was one of the worst episodes of SNL I've seen all season. It was like it was written by 12 year old boys. So oddly juvenile and clearly RB can't do an American accent, because all but one of the skits revolved around him being English.

Kelly Osbourne:

Where did she get that secretary's hair from? Yikes? Also, I think she needs some kind of cosmetic calf surgery. They're really big.

I will give her points on short, but I am not ok with the dress at all, it is not sassy and it is all pillow sham. Nope. Boo!

Keri Hilson:

Many, many points for being both short AND sassy. Yay Keri Hilson! I also love that she has the balls to cut her hair for a look. Maybe it's a wig, but still. Balls. The color of that dress is lovely, and I like how it's subtly sparkly and not overwhelmingly glitsy (ahem Katy Perry).

I love Keri Hilson. She's so pretty.

Kim Kardashian:

Why?

Why is she invited?

The dress is actually very pretty and her hair is lovely, but why does she have to show up to everything. For once, I think she SHOULD follow in Paris Hilton's steps and get the hell out of the public eye before we all get sick of her. And it's fast approaching. For me it's yesterday.

Lady Gaga:

She arrived in a latex egg carried by servants in the full body condoms from 'The Naked Gun'. Awesome.

She emerged from the egg on stage and performed 'Born This Way' proving once again she is a show stopper. Also, everyone needs to shut up with the 'Express Yourself' comparisons. Basically because she kind of speak-sings and there's a strong beat, they're all saying she ripped it off. Come on, people.

Can you imagine how much you would sweat in this? CRAZY.

Lea Michele:

Love this picture. So awkward.

I don't love that color of lipstick on her, it's a bit too severe with the dress and the hair. It makes it look a little too Addams Family. She's still pretty though.

I want to know if those shoes could possibly be comfortable. I need a pair. Can someone please send me some? Brian Atwood?

Leann Rimes:

GO AWAY.

Also, really not good when you're so thin that your dress ends up looking like a glittery straw.

Also, you look like the below elderly gentleman.

Mick Jagger:

Need I say more? Awesome.

Miley Cyrus:

Above is a photo of Miley the night before flashing her boobs at us through a lattice work weave on a dress. Demure hair - BOOBS! Gahhh. Tone it down, already.

Though it is not short, I will give her sassy and Grammy-appropriate. She should go show Aleesia how animal print can be appropriate and fashionably relevant.

Ugh, I can't believe I am saying this: Miley looks good.

Monica:

"Hi!!!! Remember me from 1997? Oh, you don't? Well hopefully this hideous dress will make you remember me the next time."

Yah, not fondly missy. PS - Your head looks mega tiny. Kindly address this.

Mya:

This is a dramatic dress for someone who hasn't done much in a while. Also, is that made of the metallic Christmas garland you put around your tree? Or did she spray paint a bunch of squirrels and then glue them to her skirt?

I am a bit freaked out by that. Also, like Monica - SMALL HEAD.

Nancy O'Dell:

Short and Sassy. Nancy, kindly go teach those young bitches how it's done. Oh, and bitches - this be how you pose to look thin too.

Natasha Bedingfield:

OH MY GOD WHY? The fugliness of the dress is only MORE assaulted by her weird curly wiener hair. I don't know what a curly wiener is, but look at it! It seems appropriate, does it not?

Nicki Minaj:

I kind of love her. She's pretty fab. She was really good on SNL this weekend, and she can pop that booty. Damn. I think that's the reverse wig from one of her skits.

OMG. Bloomers.

Nicole Kidman:

I weep for the many rodents who were spray painted metallic colors and glued to bitches' dresses. From her knees up, I love this dress, I love her hair, I think she looks better and more natural than she has in a long time. The weirdness below the knees needs to go though. It's so unnecessary, and as I said...

THE RODENTS!

Paz Vega:

Who?

Nice legs. Blah dress.

Who?
Rihanna:

This girl loosened the reigns of her restraining order so that Chris Brown wouldn't be completely blocked out of everything. That's pretty gracious. She then lost points by standing near Justin Bieber in this! He is a little boy!

I feel like she just wore something with transparent stripes, but she looks really pretty and soft and happy, so I am going to pretend I like it. Pretend. Because really, I do not.

No, it looks like weird cloud formations on a gigantic woman monster. A pretty one, but clouds nonetheless.

Selena Gomez:

Aww, the Bieb's girlf! She looks very elegant, age appropriate and very cute. Almost like a mini Mila Kunis.

Very cute. Imagine the Biebs standing next to her. HOW CUTE!

Selma Blair:

Hands down one of the very best maternity gowns I have ever seen. I love the cap sleeve, I love the taffeta skirt, I love the deep v. She is ROCKING those bangs. Altogether, one of my fave looks of the night. Just spot on perfect.

The Smiths:

No, not the band, the family!

How cute is Willow? She is probably the only human being in the world who can pull off those wrap front pants. Ugh, to be back in the days before body fat.

Jada looks smoking. Love the disco hair. It's really hot. Will looks boring, but he being a protective dad now, so he has to be dadish in clothing too. Well done family.
Snooki!

She, like Kim Kardashian, makes me go why? Seriously, as much as I am addicted to watching Jersey Shore, as one might be addicted to crack or crane their neck to watch a car accident, I love me some Jersey Shore. But why are they invited to something like this?

And really, she got her eyes done. I'm over speculating and I'm just flat out saying it now.

Also - she needs to not be annoying and want to change her name to Nicole now. You can't get us all excited by 'Snooki' and then want to give it up. Come on. We're not free thinkers.

Sophie Simmons & Calico Cooper:

Awesome. Gene Simmons' and Alice Cooper's daughters. Friends.

I love it.

The Situation:

The guy needs a tailor. Always with the super long sleeves. It's brutal.

Not AS brutal as that weird blouse/mao collar jacket combination he is wearing though. WTF is going on there?

Yikes. Ok kids - that was the Grammy's! Were the BEP in hiding after shaming themselves last week or something? I'll update if I fall upon anything I missed in my travels through the net.