Kelly Osbourne DID NOT Listen

Dear Kelly,

Last week you were advised to stop matching your dress to your hair. Cease and desist.

Thanks,

L & S at Skankopolis

Skankopolis Product Review: Rimmel Vinyl Max Lip Gloss

Because it's January and work is almost at a stand still, I have nothing else to do but feed my lip product addiction. Rimmel has introduced a new gloss to their line called, Vinyl Max. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......this stuff is magical. Super glossy, not sticky, light taste and only $7.99! At that price you can buy every color. It also features an extra large applicator that I'm in love with. Go and get it now.

Cameron Diaz 2.0 - Plastic Surgery and Still Gross

As many of you know, I find Cameron Diaz disgusting. REPULSIVE. Like, I find her so gross that I would probably throw something at her if I saw her in public.

Last month, there was much talk about her bosom seeming larger than before...then she went into hiding for a bit. Then this week she came out for some events in Europe and lo and behold she has some kind of new skin situation going on.

What was previously testicle-like in texture (you love it), is now smooth and almost crease-free. I'm not sure if that's a chemical peel, or injections, but she's definitely done something and everyone is talking about it today.

See below for a side by side comparison of her in 2009 and today.

 It's somewhat amusing that even though her face looks smoother, she is not at all more attractive. Still pukeatronic.

Demi Moore Going Into Rehab

Update: TMZ reported today that several tanks of nitrous oxide were found at Demi's home and she had huffed a little too much, had a seizure and then passed out, which is why an ambulance was called.

Woah. Whip-its?!

Monday night an ambulance was called to Demi Moore's home for a "drug related issue" and she was brought to the hospital.

Not long after, Demi's team announced that she was going to rehab:

"Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends."

 No talk of the drugs.

Drugs would explain a lot. She's sad because of her divorce, she goes a little too far, she gets rushed to the hospital for an OD and then goes to rehab.

Poor her. It's a bit sad.

I hope Bruce Willis goes on some type of Die Hard rampage now to protect her.

Kristin Cavallari is Pregnant. Yawn.

Perhaps spawning is how she thought she'd remain relevant now that 'the Hills' is over and people aren't constantly gossiping about her coke addiction.

Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler announced they're expecting a child today. Yipee!

Considering they got engaged, then broke up...I'm guessing this might have been someone's get-back-together-with-the-pro-athlete strategy.

Whatever.

I legitimately lost interest before I started typing.

Last Week's Leftovers: The Kelly Osbourne Edition

We here at Skankopolis called an emergency staff meeting, (we ate salty chicken and drank wine while giggling at nothing) to discuss this situation. This is a SITUATION. Everything about these two pictures hurts me. Here are my concerns:

• Why is your hair that color?
• Why does it match your dress?   
• Who is your hairstylist?    
• Why do you look like an orange corpse?
• Who is your makeup artist?  
• Aren't you one of those bitchy red carpet/reality show "fashion experts"?

Oy. Change everything about your makeup and hair. Please.

What? Heidi Klum & Seal Are Getting Divorced?

Update 2: They finally released a statement:


"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. 


We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. 


This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition."


Update: This'll learn me (deal with it) to not trust TMZ as a source sometimes. 


Apparently they've been fighting a lot lately because they've been working a lot. This happens with normal couples too, so let's be sad for them

Halloween is my favourite "holiday". I love it. LOVE it. It's fun and I enjoy watching people attempt to be serious while dressed as cops or gypsies or smurfs. I just like it.

I have always had a lot of respect for Heidi Klum because she also seems REALLY into Halloween. To be honest, if I had that much money, I'd likely be really into Halloween too. I mean, costumes are fun when you can go crazy. You either have to be young with a lot of energy so you can take weeks to make it / sew it / paint it or be really rich so you can send out you assistant Eva to go get it.

Anyhoo, news came out today that Heidi and Seal are splitting up after 6ish years of marriage (I'm too lazy to look it up, leave me alone).

So sad!

Who is going to be Halloween's greatest ambassador now?

Here are some photos of them over the past few years for nostalgia...

Ugh, Ashton Kutcher Cut His Hair

Dear Ashton,

This haircut does not make us forget that you had disgusting skanky hacky sack hair for years prior to this.

It also does not make '2 and a Half Men' less terrible.

It does, however, make your cheekbones look fantastic.

Still, you're gross,

S

2012 Golden Globes Fail: Piper Perabo...or was it?

At first, I was like, this is awful. She's essentially naked in a shower curtain. And then I hallucinated what I think could have happened for her to arrive wearing this.

Publicist: That dress lining is really ugly, what does the actual dress look like?

Piper: This is the dress.

Publicist: Piper. I can count your freckles.

Piper: Ugh. WTF! They have nothing here that's Golden Globes appropriate!

Publicist: Piper, we're at Bed Bath and Beyond...

Piper: Still! I'm so irrelevant that no one is sending me anything anymore and it's not like I can afford an actual gown...WTF am I going to do?

Publcist: Oh. My. God. I just had the most brilliant idea of my career!

Piper: Coyote Ugly 2?

Publicist: No, no. God no. WEAR that. Wear THAT. No one has cared about anything you've done in years. Trust me. I can't sell a story about you unless I throw in a gum job too.


Wear that dress and everyone will be talking about you. EVERYONE. They'll have no choice, you're going to expose yourself to them.

Piper: I refuse. I am an actress with talent.

*LAUGHING*

Piper: Ok, ok, sometimes I'm hilarious. Ok, I'll wear it. But I'm going to have to sell this Sharon Stone-style.

Publicist: You mean be sexy?

Piper: No, not Sharon Stone 90's, Sharon Stone 00's. Crazy. I'm going to have to pull off crazy.

Publicist: You need to pay me more after this.

The 2012 Golden Globes...Skankopolis Beauty Edition

The Golden Globes are usually the best award show of the season, personally I found this year's to be a bit boring. So here's the beauty rundown of the night:



Hair Trend #1 Headbands:

I usually only wear headbands to workout or when I'm hungover and don't have time to do my hair. But after many glasses of wine and a lengthily conversation with my television, I say "yes" to the headband. It works especially well in short hair. The big disadvantage to short hair is it always looks the same. Adding a headband gives some versatility to how you look and how you style your hair. Bravo ladies! You all look great.



Hair Trend #2 Retro:

These were the most dramatic retro looks of the night, and to be fair I think Zooey's wearing a wig, but I love retro hair. I have massive respect for stylist who can actually do these looks well. It takes a lot of practice and finishing skills. It also take s a lot of confidence to wear these looks, I think Julie and Zooey pulled it off. Congratulations.



Most Beautiful Lady of the Night: Salma Hayek:

Everything about this lady is sexy. EVERYTHING. From head to toe; hair, makeup, jewelry, boobs, dress, shoes...all of it. I'd actually disfigure someone to look like this.



Best Hair: Tilda Swinton:

I totally respect this woman's sense of style. She misses the mark about 50% of the time and she doesn't give a shit. I absolutely love her hair. I've been bitching for the last 6 months about how hard it is to grow out an undercut like this, (mine never looked this good) and I'm ready to cut and bleach my hair tomorrow. Fantastic.

The 2012 Golden Globe Awards

2 Awards shows in 1 week, which means fashion fun and blunders to catch.

First, here are the trends I'm calling out:

• Glitz/Shine/Beading: Even if the dress was simple, it sparkled in some way or another. The sleek jerseys of last year are gone.
• White/Off-White/Cream: So much of it! If you're a bride-to-be, keep your eyes peeled for options because we all know ABS will be all over these red carpet gowns at a fraction of the price
• Colorful jewelry: Bright pops of color were visible all over the carpet

Ok, now let's do what we're good at!

Amanda Peet:
I hate this dress. I also really hate her posture. It's like she thought the dress was big and floaty enough so that she didn't have to pose or attempt to look interested. She looks like she's waiting for a bus, not standing on the carpet at the Globes. Oh, and it's 3 inches too short. COME ON!

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt:
Wow, someone looks severe. I got 3 texts after she passed on the carpet from people saying how insanely thin she looks. It's a little gross actually.

While I can't say I hate the dress, I don't love it. It's kind of boring and I feel like her hair kind of ruins it. If it was just a little looser I think it would make the whole look less severe and frightening. It would help if she didn't look miserable too.

Brad looks hot, even despite the gross hair.

Ariel Winter:
What the hell size are her feet? Those shoes are massive! Wow. Poor her. Maybe she has giant feet like me. Puberty is the worst, isn't it?

Despite all that, the dress is really cute. I find the purple a little too deep and fall/winter for this show, but she's adorable and it's very cute, so I like it.

Busy Phillips:
My friend keeps telling me I need to watch 'Cougar Town'. I feel like I won't be able to reduce the amount of shock I have for Courtney Cox's freakshow face and get into it. I also deeply hate this woman's voice and open-mouthed quality.

I will, however, say that she looks great in this. This dress is very 70's Halston glam, so I'm in love with it. I even love the fringe because I feel like that dress would have been amazing at Studio 54. Ugh. I was so born in the wrong era.

Well done Busy. Now please get a new voice and close your mouth.

Charlize Theron:
Hot damn. She looks stunning. I don't know how she does it every time. A few women could pull off this gown and she is doing it. I'm in love with her a little (a lot).

The shoes may be too modern for the dress, considering their exposure, but I feel like she can do no wrong.

Claire Danes:
This dress is fantastic. I was watching a segment with her on the carpet and it occurred to me I much prefer looking at photos of celebrities and not hearing their super dumb on the spot interviews. I really like this dress. It's gorge.

Debra Messing:
See? Colorful jewelry. To be fair though, that's kind of her signature move. Either way, she looks happy to be there. Her new show is supposed to be really good. I'm not sure I need another show about musicals/singing/dancing though. Oh well, we'll see.

Notice how I said she looks happy to be there and didn't comment on her super bland, been-seen-already-8-million-times black poufy gown? Yah.

Dianna Agron:
I don't get why this photo is so on an angle. Was the photographer drunk? Or maybe hallucinating because of the amount of gorge detail on this dress. I can't decide whether I love it or whether it is obnoxiously too much. I'm really on the fence.

What do you think?

Elle MacPherson:
Like, seriously? With Elle and Charlize there why does anyone else even attend? These women are incredible to look at.

She's so perty.

Emma Stone:
I'm mesmerized by that footwear. It looks so ugly but I can't really tell.

There is something very beautiful about the colors in her gown, but they're dark and kind of sombre next to everyone else on the carpet...and then there's that belt, which is a bit strange, no? Like, it looks like a men's belt. I don't know. I want to love this because of her but I can't decide.

Evan Rachel Wood:
I saw her being interviewed and she said she was leaving a trail of feathers behind her where ever she went. I can sympathize. Last year, for the holidays I had the brilliant idea to decorate using feather boas. We were finding feathers in our apartment for the next 6 months. And even now there are still some.

She looks great in this, but I feel like he hair could have been more interesting. It may be in a weird growing out stage though...

Freida Pinto:
No honey. No.

This is awful.

George Clooney & Stacy Keibler:
How come we haven't come up with a couple name for these two? Like Stoerge or something? Oh, because that's terrible, that's why.

I have yet to see what she's wearing, though it looks like Georgie upped her dress budget. She looks less WWE and more Hollywood.

He looks cute here, no?

Heidi Klum:
While I love the idea, I feel like the nude is kind of bland. I love the necklace, but the dress lacks interest. I feel like that detail that's going on under her arm means there's an interesting back, but I can't SEE IT. Grrr.

Helen Mirren:
GORGEOUS.
Stunningly beautiful, great dress, great jewelry, great hair. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

Jenna Dewan:
The word I had when I saw this dress was "meh". It doesn't fit he spectacularly well and her skin tone is so warm and brown that I feel like she would have been an ideal candidate to pull off the white/off-white look. And then she wore these weird colored accessories with it.

Jessica Alba:
She looks very beautiful, but I feel like this dress is standard fare for her and therefore I feel it's boring.
I do need her tan though. That's not normal or fair.

Jessica Biel:
There was much talk about this look yesterday. For several reasons:

1. The dress is something else
2. The dress gives her a 3rd boob in the middle
3. Madonna stepped on her dress, which is hilarious in itself
4. She was NOT wearing an engagement ring, despite rumours/confirmation that they're engaged

Jessica Chastain:
That's some hair.
There was talk that her dress was very beautiful close up. Tiny, tiny beads, very shimmery. I don't love a sleeveless turtleneck ever, but this isn't horrible. It just looks tight. no?

Jodie Foster:
OY.
This doesn't fit, the color is heinous and it's just generally ugly. NO GOOD. BAD JODIE!

Juliana Marguiles:
This is kind of like last year's jersey dresses mixed with this year's shimmery trend. I can't even compute how many pairs of Spanx I would need to be wearing to be comfortable in this. Good for her.

Julianne Moore:
She looks lovely, she does. But I find it hard to wow in a black dress. Unless it's crazy beaded or sparkly or really sluttily cut. You know?

Julie Bowen:
Ugh. Blush. Really? I don't dislike this, but I don't love it. She looks very pretty, I'm just not really on board with dresses that match your skin tone exactly. I dunno.

Kate Beckinsale:
Just, like, when isn't she stunning? I mean, yes, she wears gowns ALL THE TIME, so she knows how to wear then and how to pose in them, but still.

That neckline is stunning. STUNNING.

Kate Winslet:
I've never been more annoyed than when I read someone else saying she was "full figured" this morning. Like, really? GIVE ME A BREAK. She's not full figured. She's just not a waif. And she's GORGEOUS. Her hair, her make-up (though her super dark brows still peeve me slightly) and the dress are lovely. I am not loving the clutch, mostly because it looks like a faux LV off Canal street in New York, but whatever. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

Katharine McPhee:
Why do I care?

Ok, that was mean. The dress is actually very pretty, but I'm suffering from that Julie Bowen effect where the color is almost the exact same as her skin. If you cross your eyes a bit it's just a tall skin colored thing with a brown wig one. Sounds phallic, no?

Kelly Osbourne:
Ugh.
That hair needs to go.
That dress is annoying because of the hair.

Lea Michele:
Is it just me or does she look like she's about to break something from posing that hard? Like, she must be in pain, it's not normal. The dress is lovely, though it's a little ice skater so I'm going to guess it's Marchesa (aaaaaand, Google check and I'm right. Niiiice).

It's a little severe considering she's so young. Why don't you people want to have fun anymore? She should have built her outfit around her ring. That would have been fun.

Madonna:
No secret to anyone you have scary hands. Stop wearing those fingerless gloves Karl Lagerfeld/Madonna. Ew.

The bodice looks a little tight but the rest is quite magnificent. Quite something. Not that I like it, but I can respect workmanship. That's kind of the thing about loving fashion. Sometimes something isn't necessarily attractive but you have to respect it.

Case, and point.

Melissa McCarthy:
I want to go to whatever fondue party she is hosting wearing this dress. Amazing.

Michelle Williams:
She's so weird.

Not that this isn't pretty, but this is what you pick? It's pretty and it fits well, and it is seasonal and all, but I hate that headband and I think she could have done better. But I almost always think she could have done better...she's just quirky. I need to get over it.

Mila Kunis:
Her face reflects exactly how I feel about this dress. Actually. it would be more accurate if her mouth was open, drooling and her eyes were closed. Because then she would be sleeping, and that is what this dress made me do.

Oooh, let's pretend she's wearing this because she's mourning the fact that Justin Timberlake apparently proposed to Jessica Biel. Except really not.

Missi Pyle:
She should have gotten back in her car and gone home. This is a hot mess. Is her hair crimped?

This makes my eyes hurt against that red carpet.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Natalie Portman:
Very lovely. Or whatever. Nice bustle. But not really.

If I had to choose a red foldover panel, I'd choose this one, but it's not my choice for a dress. I could picture Helen Mirren in this. That's not a good thing.

Is this what she's going to be now? A mother of the bride? Ugh.

Nicole Kidman:
If you don't look at her face, this is great.

The dress is incredibly beautiful. Unfortunately, her face is a total freakshow.

Nicole Richie:
Is she holding her breath? It looks like she's holding her breath. However, she looks AMAZING. So, she can hold her breath all she wants. I love it.

Reese Witherspoon:
Um, what the hell is going on here?

Firstly, brush your hair. What is this? Wal-Mart? Also, that bodice doesn't appear to fit her at all. This is not good.

I don't care for this Reese. I don't care for it AT ALL.

Rooney Mara:
You know what? Stop sulking you brat.

You're the star of a huge book adaptation movie and you come from money. Don't be such a whiny little baby.

I picture "woe is me" coming out of her mouth daily.

Salma Hayek:
GORGEOUS.

She looks amazing. Her hair is perfect, her ombre is great, her dress is stunning and spot on these trends. I love this. I love her and she looks amazing. I love her.

OMG! I LOVE HER!

Sarah Hyland:
Yet another young woman stricken by the "I want to look mature but ended up looking old" spell. Oh well.

Sarah Michelle Gellar:
What in sweet Jesus is this thing?

Not that I'm not a fan of prints like this. I really feel like someone like Zoe Saldana would have pulled the HELL out of this off. That's not a thing, but you get what I mean. But SMG does not have the fashion credibility to wear this. It's an overly ballsy move from someone who doesn't deserve to wear this. It's like when the weird accountant at your office tries out over the knee boots and it just makes you feel sad.

Sofia Vergara:
Mmmmm, I'm kind of over seeing her in fishtail/mermaid gowns. She looks amazing though. As always.

This teal color is fantastic. Teal? Peacock? Maybe peacock.

Tilda Swinton:
Unbeatable.

Also, how can I get my hair to look like this?

Tina Fey:
She looks amazing. And she pulled an amazing video bomb last night. Like, how good is this?

God I love this woman.

Viola Davis:
Meh. She's stunning though.

I'm just bored by this dress. We should give her a break though. First time.

Zooey Deschanel:
This dress had so much potential and then there was a matchy-matchy purse and her weird era-right hairdo. Like, did you need that hair with that? No. But she's Zooey and this is kind of her thing. So I can't fault her for this. The dress is too stuntastic.