2011 Oscar Parties...

Ok! Stop yelling at me! This took me a little longer than I thought it would!

Ok, let's get to the good part, it comes after the part where I'm defensive.

Amanda Seyfried:

Wow, that is some pale flesh. And it is an exposed bra. Really? I mean, I say this knowing that Madonna wore a lace nightgown with a lace bodysuit under it...but still. Who do you think you are Amanda Seyfried? Presently, you're a girl with gigantic eyes and really good hair who is dating Ryan Philippe. Ew. Gross.

Anika Noni Rose:

Doesn't Noni mean vagina? If so, I don't care for what her vagina is showing me. It looks strangely like Big Bird's vagina. Yes, I still am convinced Big Bird is a girl. I don't care what they say.

Cameron Diaz:

Apparently she seemed pretty drunk. That makes me happy. Her dress and shoes do not. I know it's a post-Oscar party, but um, could you dress up a bit? I don't think a cooch-length skirt is really appropo.

And I don't like those shoes. They'd look amazing with jeans, but they seem not dressy enough for this party.

Charlize Theron:

So PRETTY. Where has she been though? I have missed her beauty. I don't love the front of this dress, but the back was a lovely deep vee and her hair is so soft, and she looks so lovely.

Claire Danes:

The only non-Vanity Fair party pic.

She looks kind of scary, no? That dress doesn't fit at all and it's so weird, almost robe-like. Then I look closer and I feel that I would not be shocked if she asked me if I wanted Kool-Aid and started talking to me about some religion.

I'm frightened.
Dianna Agron:

Ugh, she's just SO boring. What is this length? It's AWFUL. It's so weird, top of ankle? And I don't like her hair lately. It's too rock-straight for what she wears, and projects. It looks like hair that Cameron Diaz should wear.
Elizabeth Banks:

I sometimes find this lady annoying, but lately she's been popping up in things that I love; 30 Rock, Modern Family, Judd Apatow movies. Anyhoo, I like her even more now. This dress is LOVELY. And I don't hate the length like I hated the short length on Cam. Because this is pretty. And her shoes are dainty and delicate, and her hair is soft.

It's a win.

Emma Stone:

I don't know. What exactly is going on here? I feel like I can't find anything nice to say. I hate her as a blonde, I don't like the dress, especially the growth at the back...I don't know...Her shoes are nice?

Ok, I like her shoes. Awww, I'm so disappointed.

Ginnifer Goodwin:

This one with the hair all the time. Enough. We get it. You have a pixie cut. It's funky.

I saw her on Conan and she annoyed me. Almost as much as she does with this hair do, dress and shoe combination. Blurg. Me no likey.

Jessica Biel:

I don't know. It's kind of effort-y, no? Like, pull it back, missy. You are not a very good actress (see Humpilates) and pretty much everyone knows your boyfriend cheats on you, or would like to cheat on you and at least tries to cheat on you. All. The. Time.

Embarrassing. Still, crazy body.

Jessica Szohr:

Really? I wanted to like you because your last name has 2 consonants in it, and I feel the pain of how awkward that can be. But then you wore this. And it's really ugly. Like really. A leather unfitted top with a black cage over an off-white twill underskirt? Oh my god, girl, what are you thinking?
Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt:

I don't know if I spelled that right, but I don't really mind. Do you? Nope. Didn't think so.

I like her dress. I like anything that reminds me of the Princess Bride, and this does, so loves. And he is just always SO happy. And goofy looking. It's great. I need to start watching Mad Men.

Juliette Lewis:

What? Who is this woman and where did the woman in the white leggings go? I prefer this one - much easier on the eyes - but I need a little warning, a little transition. Please. This isn't fair. It's so fast, so sudden. So lovely.

Though, I think some of that lady is left, because she looks a little cross eyed here and I think that could be the effort she's putting into be elegant.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez:

Their official 'coming out'. Apparently he had his hand on her butt. Ew. Now, I remember being 16 and I am pretty sure that my boyfriend often put his hand on my butt (um, that was all he was allowed to do, he went for it. Yup, I was a prude), but he was not a boy idol.

Look how they coordinated outfits like they're going to prom. Actually, when you think of it, this kind of IS prom for them.

Justin Timberlake:

I don't know why I'm getting such an awkward read of this picture, but I really, really am. It looks so forced. Maybe it's because you know that he's always trying to get with other women. Or maybe it's the fact that she is trying to make her neck longer so she can get a bit closer. Or maybe it's his hand...it's so unmotivated to be with her. Why not hold her hand or touch her? AWKWARD.

Kate Beckinsale:

I can't complain. So hot. I'm really glad she's not blonde anymore, because she was for a while there. I even refused to post pictures of her because it made me so mad. I'm not sure I dig the sheer sleeve detail, but the rest is perfect. Very event appropriate and fits very nicely.

Lea Michele:

Ok, so above Kate is wearing a long sleeve sparkly dress. Here, Lea is. It's not the same. She looks like she's in pain. And she's so young, why is she dressing like Annette Benning? And her hair is so severe. Yikes. She should be wearing colorful, short and flouncy. I think a shorter full skirt would have been so cute, in like a deep pink or a turquoise. Picture it. You love it.

Madonna and Lourdes:

Um, does anyone else feel like Madonna is too old to be pushing the boundary like this? I don't know if I'm ok with seeing her in a negligee at the Vanity Fair Party. Lourdes, on the other hand, looks amazing. Super cute and youthful and OMG her hair is SO shiny. I love it.

Matthew McConaughey & Camilla Alves:

Wow, that's some kind of second dress. She looks amazing, but aren't you supposed to get less dressed up for the after party?

Michelle Rodriguez:

Really? WTF is this? What did this skirt look like in regular lighting? It still must have been sheer...did she know she was going to photograph like that?

I'm so scared.

Naomi Watts:

What is going on there? That is a very unpleasant sheer panel. I do not care for it. Here is a case of marabou feathers that I don't mind...(ahem Hilary Swank). But that sheer panel, it's really awkward...yucky.
Paz de la Huerta:

This lady is such a hot mess. What's her deal? This is one of the only times that I've seen her without matching her lipstick to her dress though...thank god. Imagine forest green lipstick?

I kind of want to get drunk with her. She seems like she's a party in a person.
Rashida Jones:

All the time I want to like this girl (I'm not going to call her a woman, it's weird), but then she wears things or acts poorly. I love Parks & Recreation and she's always so mediocre on it. And I hate how her character dresses. I hate how her real self dresses too. I mean, what is this? One of her mother's nightgowns from the 70's? Blurg.
Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks:

She's going blind right? That's the reason for this? And her previous outings?

Oh god please let there be some kind of explanation for this. Fur with that? Oh my. Poor her. Going blind.

Taylor Swift:

Um, nice hair and stuff. But not really. I hate her hair. The dress is very cute and the shoes go very well with it, but she's always wearing sparkly things and I'm feeling kind of like I'm getting a déja vu with this.

Not with that hair though. Yikes to that hair.
Zooey Deschanel:

She looks...dumpy, no? I love her hair, but her legs, her - dare I say it? - cankles are a little shocking to me. Cankles always should be, I guess. Blech. It makes me like her hair less. And I never thought that would be possible.