Oscars Uber post!

So, I decided that I was going to try to be a little current with what I'm discussing. Hurrah.

The Oscars were last night. If I can post this within the next 24 hours I'm going to be ON TOP of it.

Let's mock and talk about the clothes...although I must say, I love these photos mostly for the facial expressions of the people in the backgrounds...

Amy Adams: Um, I feel like she just wore this dress to another event. The color is too dark, the hair is boring and her pose makes me want to slap her upside the head. It's a beautifully made dress though, fantastic tailoring and workmanship, she just bores me. YAWN. BITCH.


Anne Hathaway: So, this is a hot mess...you know, it's not that I don't like it or that it's not nice, it's mostly the fact that it TOTALLY blends in with the carpet and that weird lei-like attachment at the neckline. I'm not crazy about that. Also, what's with her stupid face?


Calista Flockhart: I will say this: it was really nice of her to let her child do her hair. Seriously. That's nice. You go to the biggest award show of the year and you let your kid do it. That's love, because she looks like she just went for a hike up a mountain with that 'do. Seriously. I look better after the gym. I don't hate the dress, per say, but the color combo is not where I would have gone with that. I'm not sure about the khaki/mint green look. Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again; THAT'S your name?



Cameron 'the man' Diaz: Oh how I loathe this woman. The only thing that made me happy while watching the (4 minutes I actually saw of) the broadcast last night was that they did a shot of Cammie here and you could see that she was literally wearing all the make-up they had available in the nearest Sephora. Seriously. It was like spackle. It makes me happy because aside from that she actually looks pretty good. Dammit. That hurt me and my black heart.


Cate Blanchett: I feel like it's an injustice that CB didn't win anything. When they showed that clip from 'Elizabeth-bla bla bla' for the best actress nomination I was sure it was going to be here. My hubby-to-be said it best when he said, "She's one of those freak of nature actors." So true. I wish she had won something though...especially with this dress on, it would have been sextastic under the lights. I love that neckline.



Diane Lane: You know, for an older lady she looks really good. I love the draping on the dress, but I do honestly wish that it wasn't accented by all those diamond bands. I feel like that tacks it up. And I really hate the hair. I hate pin curled hair! It's the worst. It may be that I'm traumatized after being in musicals all through high school, but I really hate them. A lot.

How scary is that woman with the pink hair in the background, btw?


Ellen Page: She's just so cute! She's like a button with a body! So cute! I love her! She has no many good qualities: A) She's Canadian! B) She played Kitty Pryde in 'X-Men'. Aren't those great qualities? If she handed me a $20 bill, I'd love her even more.

I really want to see 'Juno' though, for reals.


Heidi Klum: I instantly want her to play the evil queen in the live action version of Snow White. How awesome would she be and how well can you picture her now that she had this dress on? She looks really regal and beautiful. On anyone else I'd say it was a little bit much, but Heidi is so cool that I like it.

Do you love how I say that like I know her?

Hillary Swank: For some reason I have 'Swank the Tank' in my head now. Hee hee. Will Ferrell is funny. I like this dress, it's feminine and not too avant-garde which she has a tendency to go for. She looks nice and girly...I just wish she wouldn't have that giant horse mouth. Oh well.

Swank the Tank!


Jennifer Garner: Where's Ben? What's with her beige-ness? She remind me of Jennifer Aniston in that she almost always goes safe with her red-carpet attire...just once I would love it if she showed up in something lime green with a giant bow. Safe=boring...which I don't particularly want to discuss. The hair is a bit odd too, non? Looks like a teenager's...


Jessica Alba: How tight is your ass now, bitch? Ok, that was totally unnecessary, but it slipped out. Sorry. That color is...wait for it - magnificent. That's a great word. Anyhoo, the color is really nice and goes well with her olive skin. It's too bad she looks like such a miserable bitch all the time.


Katherine Heigl: Why do her boobies look so sad when she and her false eyelashes are obviously so happy? Oh, and her soccer mom hairdo. Seriously, what IS that? Her hair looks like it's going to drive a minivan up to soccer practice with a Tupperware full of orange quarters. Ahh, thirst-quenching.

She's a very pretty girl though. And that dress is quite lovely, it just could have used a bra under there...


John Travolta & Kelly Preston: Scientologists are weird. Since when are KP's breasts so huge (what is with me and the teetans today?)? Although I don't care for the Tang colored dress, it seems to be doing good things for her in the upstairs area, so more power to you, Scientology weirdo!

I didn't realize John had started being a spokesperson for the Ron Popeil hair for men paint-spray. Seriously. Is that the 'average hairline' spray template?



Keri Russel: Ha ha, I love pictures. I love how a split second can catch someone in the most awkward pose and then we can dissect it and make fun of it. Hee hee. That is some weirdo posture she's rocking in this photo. It looks like she's stretching out her back a bit. Hee hee. Ok, onto the subject at hand. How vanilla is that dress? And the hair is a little too vertical for my taste. Yeesh. The pose is more interesting. That's sad for her.


Laura Linney: She was nominated? Wha? Who the hell knew? I certainly didn't. I would also like to know who picks the clips that end up going into the show because hers didn't exactly showcase what a complex actress she is. But is she? Really? I always mistake her for Laura Dern. And she was in 'Jurassic Park'. So, come on!


Lisa Rinna: Really? She's invited. Because of 'Dancing with the Stars'? That's really sad for the entertainment world. I am blown away by how much everything on her defies gravity. The lips, the face, the chestal region. Lisa Rinna at the Oscars. Gimme a break. Why not invite KFed?


Marion Cotillard: How cute was her acceptance speech? I don't think I've ever seen anyone so fluttery and freaked out. I could have dealt without the sparkle eye make-up - seriously, who's idea was that? - but she is so cute that it didn't matter. I love that little bit of ruffle/volume at the hips. Very feminine and perfect for her.


Marlee Matlin: I fell asleep while writing about this dress and erased it all. I don't like the dress enough to rewrite it so you're just gonna get this recounting of the tale. She's pretty though. Wowee. And that's a great hair color. Kudos to her colorist. Ha ha, the spell check on that is 'colonist'.


Mary Hart: Obviously this woman has signed some pact with the devil. But did she have to sign it with the frozen-grin-and-derangedly-happy devil? Seriously, I loved me some Mary Hart back in the good ol' 80's, but I really encourage her to retire. She's just scary now. Especially all jammed into that banana nightmare. Yeesh.


Melora Hardin: For the love of Pete! Who keeps inviting this woman to awards shows? It's obviously the editorial team of 'Us' magazines worst dressed page. Holy hell. What the hell kind of 'starry night' 6 yards for $1.47 hot mess is that? For such a gorgeous woman she really has disastrous taste. Seriously. Please. Stop. Subjecting. Me. To. This. Not. So. Hot. Mess. Please.


Miley Cyrus: Age appropriate and cute. But go home. You're really out of your element. Especially if you brought your mullet-ified father with you.


Nancy O'Dell: Um, I know we're not supposed to encourage the skinification of society, but is there cellulite on Nancy's shin? Ok, that's not nice. She rocks that Nancy O'Dell pose though. Damn. Have you ever tried that? It's really hard not to look like a total warp. That dress is gross. Throw it out Nancy. I don't care if Winsor Fashions gave it to you for free.


Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban: I realize she's tall, but couldn't she shop around in the not-midget department? I know love isn't about that, but is it about highlights then?

That necklace is too much. It's just ridiculous. How much must that cost? The dress is pregnancy done wrong...see Cate Blanchett to see pregnancy done right.


Penelope Cruz: She must be so proud of her boyfriend, Javier! Her dress is exotic and lovely, like her. She looked unbelievably stunning this night. Glowing. Hair is fantabulous.


Renee Zellwegger: She's so gross! She gives me cancer. Why does it look like she's flexing every disgusting, way-too-visible muscle? It also looks like her skin is made of rice paper. And would it kill her to wear a strap or a sleeve? She's just the worst. I hate her so much. And why, oh why must she have that little German boy hair cut? Buy a wig!


Vanessa Paradis & Johnny Depp: The weirdos look all normal. What the hell happened? I love Johnny's facial expression here...it's so cute. Like a little kid. And I think this might be the most normal dress she has ever had on. Ever. Her hair is still a disaster, but we gotta give it to her for the dress. It's a bit strange in the drapey department, but still very normal.

What a fun night that was, and we didn't even have to pay for the ticket to LA, watch the long-ass broadcast or care about anything! Lucky us!