The Jersey Shore Saga: Friggin' Twilight

Why is Jimmy Kimmel so f-ing funny? I love this.

Uhhh, what is Nicole Richie wearing?

Normally I dig her style.

I find this a little too Samurai for me.

I read someone said "straight from her job at Beni Hana". Brilliant.

Not good though. And shiny face! Come on!

Jennifer Garner pregnant again?

Lainey pointed out this morning that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have celebrated their 5 year anniversary. Pretty impressive when you thought Daredevil and Electra weren't going to make it.

On top of that there has been much bump watch for JG...I don't really see it, but I do see that she needs to do a serious closet review and learn how to dress. Jesus. Those shoes are horrific.

So Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green got married...

Is anyone like me? I don't care until I see what they wore. Is that obnoxious? I don't care. That really matters to me.

So yah, they got married this past weekend in Hawaii. More security than guests at the wedding and no one has a clue what she wore.

BORING.

Here they are during their honeymoon. Apparently they leave their wedding bands in the their room so paparazzi can't see them with them on.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wedding pictures please.

Lindsay Lohan during a photo shoot...CRANKED

Here's a little video of Lindsay Lohan, clearly cranked, after showing up 11 hours late to a photo shoot for her own skanky (hurray!) leggings line.



Like, really? And we're not supposed to think she is cracked out?

Why I hate Kat von D - She dresses like a Circus Ring Master

I don't think I ask a lot. Just that people not be totally ridiculous. If they weren't, I'd have such a lame life, and nothing to blog about.

But they just keep pushing me. Especially this twit.

I would like to get a tattoo, of my husband's name, and I feel like I want someone as talented as Kat here. Ha ha, I just realized that her last name initials are VD. How telling.

Anyhoo, talent doesn't make someone without flaws. I have watched 'LA Ink' on several occasions and I've never been impressed with her, aside from her skills as an artist.

She is immature, treats her staff like they're morons and mismanages a business like no other. That's what happens when an uneducated girl who is suddenly rich opens a business.

And she obviously has some kind of confidence issue, I would assume rooted in an Oedipal father relationship, because she is constantly flaunting her sex for validation.

I mean, above, WHO THE HELL WOULD EVER WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

It literally looks like it was designed using fabric from a circus tent and it has a COORDINATING bikini top underneath.

I feel faint from the rage coursing through my veins right now.

I can't even start on the Cherry colored hair. I mean, COME ON.

Gah. I need to go lie down.

Thanks so much to Miss Tears for the photo!

No! Shanae Grimes! No! BAD GIRL.

I generally have a soft spot in my icy heart for other Canadians. Generally.

I do not, however, keep my soft spot when they walk around town wearing an oversized t-shirt and thigh-high lace-topped nylons like missy here.

I mean, COME ON. What is the world coming to if people are wearing this? These are never flattering on anyone because in order to keep them up, you need to pull them to a height which then begins to give you muffin top of the legs (I'm copy writing that) and then you have two disgusting upper thighs perched atop sleek benyloned lower legs.

Blech..
Hate those.

Uh, so what Amanda Bynes?

Amanda Bynes announced her retirement from acting this week.

Can I echo the sentiments of the entire world when I respond to her retirement by saying, "who cares?"?

If you do, here is some more info. And verification from her Twitter account.

No, for real. So?

The new Smurfs movie trailer

I loved me some Smurfs when I was little. I had a huge collection and even was Smurfette for Halloween one year.

Check out the trailer...they look cute, no?

Neil Patrick Harris and Katy Perry are two of the voices...

Bradley Cooper speaks French

Without a word of a lie, I am prepared for death now because he ALSO SPEAKS FRENCH. Oh my god, it's delicious. He and I could lurk in the corner of parties and talk about people. MON DIEU!

I love him.

MTV Video Awards 2010 - batch 2

MORE people showed up to the MTV awards and wore things, so we can say things about them. Hurrah! My life is fulfilled.

Audrina Partridge:
So, I watch 'The Hills' now. I didn't back-watch anything, but I did think it would be a good idea, pop culturally, if I kept up to date on the goings on...plus, watching it makes me feel better as a person, and worse - because they're SO much richer than me. It evens out to ok.

Anyhoo. I hate Audrina. She is as dumb as a bag of hammers. It's a bit ridiculous. And while I think her shoes are ridiculous enough to be wearable works of art here, I hate her dress and want to cut it up. It's too shiny and it doesn't seem to fit her and it clashes majorly with the shoes. PLUS! She's totally going to get back with Justin-Bobby (ew - could you EVER date a guy with that name?)

Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson:
Mmm, just me or is getting old? Not that he doesn't look fantastic. And those jeans are a perfect shade of indigo...but ye olde face looks stretched and his eyes look wrinklier than normal. Or are they pulled with a face lift? His old boss Vince McMahon was never shy about getting a little nip and tuck...is DJ doing it too?


Jason Segal:
For reals, this guy needs a shower, so badly. For the past year+ he has looked super gross. It started with 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' and then continued on 'How I Met Your Mother'...it's just not nice to look at. And really, can someone please wash his hair?

I don't care what kind of genius he is. Gross. Period.

Jersey Shore BOYS!!!:
I cannot wait for the season premiere of this show. It's going to be such a gross mess. I mean, LOOK AT HOW THEY DRESS? What reality do they live in? It's not one that I am familiar with!
So cheesy! So fantastic. And there are reports that they're going to have trouble editing this season because The Situation has been such a pain in the ass that they have almost no material for a show. Can't wait!!!


Jersey Shore GIRLS!:
Snooki and JWoww are obviously the stars of this franchise, and the other 2 are just jealous. Especially Sami. F-ck, I hate Sami. I mean, who wears a white dress with lace cut outs? What planet are these people from? It's incredible. It's like they take all their fashion advice from strippers.
Jessica Biel:
Oy, she needs to eat something. And have a little more fun. Come on, I know it's dead on trend, but a full buttoned blouse to an awards show like this? The skirt would have been way more fun with a more casual top. Then she would have killed it.

Her hair looks magnificent though. Really thick and healthy. I don't get how these girls don't eat and then have hair like that. It's really not fair.

Jonah Hill:
I was very disappointed to read recently that Jonah Hill is kind of a dick who thinks he's entitled to butt in lines because he's a celebrity. That makes me a bit sad. However, doesn't make him less funny. Has anyone seen 'Get Him To The Greek'? Is it good? Do tell.
JWoww:
I couldn't just do the shot of them in the car, what honour is there in that? Look how glamourous she is in that pink lace dress. For real. Porn star clothes. I think it's from her fashion line, if I'm not mistaken. I forget what it's called, something really, really tacky. Just a sec, Google.
.
..
...
Oh YESSS! Thank god I follow her on Twitter: http://filthycouture.com/
Come ON

The worst part is, you know she thinks because it's lace and it's pink that she looks classy and feminine. Hee hee!

Stephanie Pratt:
Seriously. This girl's legs give me nightmares. They're so thin. And to be really frank, her dress is FUGLY. I want straight hair though...lately captain humidity has been giving me some trouble and I'm walking around with poufiness. Sucks.

People Who Are Awesome: Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman

Recently, I was at a restaurant and I was sure that our maitre'd was Dustin Hoffman. It was weird. However, I am pleased to announce that he is not in fact working in a suburb of Montreal, but is healthy and in LA. Phew.

Here are some fantastic photos of Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman getting caught on the Kiss-Cam at a Lakers game. Awesome. All people should have amazing senses of humour like this and impeccable kissing form.





PS - Have I mentioned that I hate the people in front of them?

Christina Aguilera getting really scary looking

You know when people start going crazy and they start looking crazy? Like, appearances don't matter anymore because their "friends" have been telling to spend more time thinking of ways to blow up grocery stores, etc. Uh, yah, so anyway...

Christina Aguilera has been looking a little mental lately. Her hair is always disheveled, her make-up is always freakishly clownish, her outfits are seriously bordering on mental patient wear...judge for yourself, but this kind of freaks me out:

A Recap of Lindsay Lohan's Stupidest Lies and Excuses

It's all Lindsay all the time here.

Seriously, she's so capitvatingly dumb it's hard not to follow closely.

Here's a great recap of her biggest, dumbest lies over the past few years (thanks E! Online):

1. The black guy did it: In the 2007 incident she's still in hot water for, Linds tried to pin her drunk Pacific Coast Highway joyride on her assistant's pal Dante.

2. Pants on fire: After she claimed "the black kid" was driving that night, cops found cocaine on her. Oh, she borrowed those jeans from a friend! That bitch!

3. Fearing for her life: Lindsay has blamed her reckless (substance-abusing) driving on the fact that cameras follow her every move. She was scared, okay??!

4. Dog ate my passport: Despite a looming court date, Lohan still went yacht hopping in France, missed her flight back, then said someone stole her passport.

5. It was a set up: While in Cannes, a photo surfaced of LiLo and a plate of cocaine. What?! No, those were just fans staging the cocaine pic to sabotage her.

COME ON.

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan is a moron

Let's be real. We all knew that already.

Turns out the scram bracelet went off Sunday night at the MTV Movie Awards...Stupido is claiming that she didn't do anything, but a warrant was put out for her arrest anyway...and by violating her parole, she immediately forfeits the initial $100,000 her benefactor put up for her when she didn't show up to court after Cannes and almost got arrested.

Right now (5:11pm PST) there is a bail bondsman on his way to the courthouse in LA to pay a $200,000 bond to end the active warrant for La Lohan.

Bitch claims she didn't do anything. Yah. I bet.

How exciting. Fuck, I hope she goes to jail.

MTV Movie Awards 2010

So, the MTV movie awards were the other night...aside from all the excitement involving Lindsay Lohan, other stuff apparently happened.

And, more importantly, people wore things and did their hair and make-up. Now that is my bag!

Amanda Seyfried:
From what I've heard, this girl is a tool. She feels like she's made it and has no dues to pay anymore and is bigger than all of this. I don't know what she won for, but if it was Mamma Mia, I will slice my wrists. I saw 4 minutes of that movie and I wanted to die. Pierce Brosnan should never sing.
Anna Kendrick:
Of 'Twilight' and 'Up In The Air' fame, this girl had a pretty good year. It's too bad her hair seems to have been done by me, circa 1985 when I had that Barbie bust form and would mangle the hell out of that thing.

That dress doesn't appear to fit her either. Ew.


Bradley Cooper, Betty White and Sandra Bullock:
What a fantastic trio. Someone who's super hot, someone who is doing pretty well considering, and someone who is the best of all: Betty White. Betty's friend Rue McClanahan passed away last week, therefore, her presence is awesome. And the other two are cute. In fact, I think he should date Sandra instead of Renee Zellwegger. God she's disgusting.


Christina Aguilera:
Ok, we get it. You're edge. That dress is made of the tape from cassette tapes though, right? It has the same shine and texture as the stuff I used to pull out of my sisters The Clash cassette collection.

OH MY GOD I just noticed the top is only criss crossed bandages, how totally disgusting. You're someone's mother woman!

Jennifer Lopez & Tom Cruise (aka Len Grosman):
Really? Can we please?! She looks pretty darn fabulous, but he is just ridiculous. Go home. Take off your lifts and fulfil your contractual obligation to your robot wife. God I have Tom Cruise. And even though LG was funny at the beginning, he's just irritating now. Hear me, MTV? Please hear me.


Katy Perry:
I am wondering why her hair is blue. She's the voice of Smurfette in the upcoming movie, but that bitch was blonde. I remember. She was awesome. Katy Perry weirds me out a bit, but I try not to think about it too much. I mean, where did she come from all of a sudden? And now her boobs and giant eyes are always in my face.

Think about it. Discuss. Email me.

Kristen Stewart:
Wearing extensions, F-ING FANTASTIC shoes and a very cute dress...however, I feel like I've seen this dress on her before. She's getting formulaic and her stylist needs to kick it up a notch. I would love to be a stylist.

I don't love the extensions/ponytail...it's cheap. Very Parasite Hilton to show up to something with suddenly long hair. She's still cute though. And not because of Twilight. I loathe those movies. Because of her potential...so much potential...


Lindsay "Scram" Lohan:
Ha ha, I'm funny. Sometimes. Ok, I get it. Not this time. So you may have read my separate post saying that her SCRAM bracelet went off during the show or afterparty or something. Either way, biatch is screwed. Someone paid $200k to keep her out of jail, but she still needs to go see the judge soon and if she f's up again (though she seems kind of unaffected, tweeting about Eminem's new album at the moment) bitch is gonna go to jail.

On another note, I was going to say that from the neck up she actually looks pretty good. I was impressed. I don't love the sparkly jumpsuit, and I am a lover of all things sparkly AND jumpsuit, but you can't win 'em all.

I only like that combo if it looks like it could have come from the disco era...this looks discount. BAM!

Russell Brand:
Could someone please call me an ambulance (don't really)? I find that Russell looks good here. Yah, I said it. A man in satin pants and super high heeled teal cowboy boots looks good.

I don't know, I've never appreciated him and I still have a very big problem with his greasy hair (head and facial), but he's pulling this off.

Nicely done RB, very nice.

Sandra Bullock:
She won some award and made self-deprecating comments. SHOCKING.

She's still pretty and that dress is nice.

But still, something new please.
Scarlett Johanssen:
LOVE LOVE LOVE this dress. Do not want to hear that it is from Mango, because that would kill me. I go to Mango. I never find anything nice. Well, maybe a few times, but not a lot.

That colour of green is spectacular, her waist is tiny-tastic and her hair and make-up are lovely. I love it. She is my favourite.

Snooki (Nicole Polizzi):
Ask me how excited I am for season 2 of 'Jersey Shore'!!! I am SO EXCITED. And the little preview they gave of the 2nd season just made me even more exited, because it's full on stupidity and they're even less inhibited than before. And stupider, if I dare say.

Prime example below.

The Situation (Mike something):
Could this guy please hem his GD jeans? COME ON. If you're making $10k per episode you must be able to afford a hem job. Gahhh.

Or I'm pretty sure Vinnie's mom would do it for him. Either way, looks like he roided up big time because his abs are out of control. Apparently he was causing problems in Miami because crowds would form when he showed his abs.

Have I mentioned lately that society is doomed?
Vanessa Hudgens & Zac Efron:
While I'm glad that his hair isn't that weird mess anymore, these two bore me. And this girl wears the same dress to everything. And her hair always looks the same.

Something new please. Attention span short...losing interest...

I'll post more pics soon. I'm on it!

No, the real problem is...

I know everyone is on her case about the sad clown hair she is now sporting, but there are a number of questions I'd like to ask Rihanna;

Why are you wearing black coffee filters as a bra?
What's happened to your eye brows? Are you not making enough money to visit a makeup artist or esthetician?
And speaking of makeup artists.....I'm a really good one, and I promise I won't put a huge yellow triangle on your cheekbone.
And lastly, please don't ever make that face again.

Sea Horses Foreva!

One of many reasons why people can't do anything ridiculous anymore - your friends will record it and put it on YouTube or Facebook. And if you're really lucky, they'll take your acid trip, ANIMATE it, and then do that.

Brilliant.

Rue McClanahan Passes Away - RIP

I love the 'Golden Girls'. It's a brilliant show and it makes me laugh so much. It makes me so sad to hear that Rue McClanahan has passed away. She had been ill for quite a while and passed away surrounded by family.

Betty White is now the only remaining Golden Girl and said, "Rue was a close and dear friend. I treasure our relationship. It hurts more than I ever thought it would, if that's even possible."

So, so sad.

Sarah Jessica Parker dresses well occasionally, but stars in terrible movies.

I didn't see SATC 1 or 2. I know better than to subject myself to such awkwardness and horrible acting and story lines. And honestly, I get to the movies so seldom that I would never waste it on a crap bag like this.

Friends have told me it was terrible. Reviews have told me it was terrible. It looks pretty terrible.

And I was shocked to hear that SATC2 was 2½ hours long when Youth In Revolt, which was brilliant BTW, was only 90 minutes. I would have loved another hour of that movie.

All to say that I love this dress and her hair looks fantastic and that makes me bitter. People who do bad jobs shouldn't be rewarded. That is my management style.

What the hell am I talking about? Sorry, I think my headache is making me retarded.

Jessica Simpson looks bad again...SHOCKING

Did you hear the dripping sarcasm there?

Not only does she violate every rule that we should have as women:

• NEVER stand next to someone who doesn't eat, it never looks good
• NEVER wear a dress that is 2 sizes too tight
• NEVER wear that dress. Ever. Ew.

No, for real. This girl needs an intervention of some sort. She can't dress and she really doesn't know what she's doing.

She charmingly dumb but that's not enough. For someone who makes an assload of money off their clothing and shoe lines, she sure doesn't have it going on. If she continues to dress this poorly, I have to assume she's also going to lose a lot of sales.

How do you trust this person?

Um, WTF? Courtney Love looks good

Courtney Love looks cleaned up...wow.

Seriously. I'm shocked. I have nothing to say.