Happy Holidays!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Well everyone, another year has passed and it is Christmas again. For those of you who celebrate, have a merry one! For those who celebrate something else, I hope it rocks as much as my mom's stuffing!

To keep with tradition, here are some monkeys for Christmas!

Catherine Zeta Jones is still too hot for Michael Douglas

I don't care if MD gets Brad Pitt's face surgically applied to his head, CZJ is still WAY too hot for him. Look how goddam gorgeous she is! It's ridiculous!

All the plastic surgery in the world can't make that man worty of her beauty. AND she has an accent?! Totally unfair.

Mr & Mrs Fug in NYC

These two need to break up before they turn into Phyllis Diller and Orville Redenbacher.

God...

Did anyone see SNL this weekend with Justin? If you haven't seen it already, please go see it now before NBC pulls it off the web, it's JT in "Dick in a Box"

HILARIOUS! You will die.

PS - Thanks to Hollywood Rag for the link!

Remember when she was cute?

Ok, she's still cute, but now she has PINK hair. What the fuck?

I'm glad these 2 are together. I have not seen 'The Notebook', and pretty much flat-out refuse to, but it seems cute that they're still together after all this time. Plus they're both Canadian, so I like it a touch more.

Pink hair. Lord have mercy.

(PS - Just in case you don't know who they are: Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling)

F'd up face alert!

I can't pick her apart, because my best friend really liked Buffy, and if I do she might withhold my Christmas present.

I think the photo speaks for itself.

Renee Zellwegger is gross

I have no words.

Ok, I lied. I do. Why can't she smile without pursing her lips like that? And what is with her hair!?!? It looks like it hasn't been washed or brushed in weeks! Everyone is gross this week! What the hell!?!?

Nothing says current like denim vests

Last night, I was scrolling through the channels waiting for my love to finish doing something and I fell upon Entertainment Tonight.

First, I'd like to explain that Mary Hart really frightens me. Her undying enthusiasm and extremely archy eyebrows are very alarming to me.


So anyway, Jann Carl (who is looking sickly thin, might I mention) starts talking about Britney's "wild night" at Forty Deuce. Apparently, she went into the club in a mini skirt and denim vest (my fashion sense hurts just writing that), and she SHOCKINGLY half unzipped her vest (oh god, there was a zipper too?!?!) to expose her BRA!!! OH MY GOD!



What the hell is wrong with people? Big deal! She showed us her VAGINA 2 weeks ago, now her bra is making news? Gimme a break. After beav, I better get a shot of her left ventricle, because anything less is just old news.

Anyhoo, here's a pic of Brit at the club. Dancing on the stage. All I can say is ick. ICK.

Ankle boots are evil without pants

I don't mind ankle boots, I really don't. IF they're worn properly. They rarely are.

Yes, the odd person can pull them off without pants, but she is normally Kate Moss. That's about it. Even the hottest, most fashionable Hollywood actresses sometimes can't pull them off with a skirt (case in point, our Lord Lohan). Minnie Driver has also offended us previously - see here.

If Santa wanted to give me a present this year, he'd abolish ankle boots without pants. Except for Kate Moss. She looks good.

PS - I would prefer not to comment on the pirate head-dress. It sickens me.

Mariah Carey is Christmasing in Aspen!

Is Christmasing a word? If it isn't, I just made it up. No erasies!

Ok, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, Mariah Carey. Lord. This woman is a serious mess. She is so tacky it's almost great, but I think she's a little off this time.

I'm so glad someone also got a picture from behind...so you can see her leggings straining against the pressure of her ass...What the hell is that coat made from? Garbage bags? Ew. Ew ew ew. Well, at least she wore sunglasses! It's so bright at night. That's a bold faced lie. BOLD.

Gwyneth has nice boots. Mmmmm.

I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I hate her weird, thin-lipped smile, I hate her long blonde hair, I hate her macro-biotic diet. I hate everything about her.

In fact, I dislike her so much that I would like to officially nominate her for the Axis of Evil 2. Please let me know your feelings.

I must say, though. I love those boots. She should give them to me. I'm sure her surfboard feet are bigger than mine, they'll fit

Ben Affleck starring on 'The Sopranos'

Ok, he's not really, but how Jersey is he? He's like an aging mobster. And not a gracefully aging mobster. An icky one.

I don't understand how someone as physically fit and fantastic as Jennifer Garner can be in love with this man. He better be REALLY funny.

I remember when my sister had a big crush on him. I condoned it. Ew. Well, as they say, hindsight is 20/20, right?

Lord Lohan post of the day - December 17

I know, I know! I am falling back into an old routine in an abusive relationship! I am so weak when it comes to her. But I can't help myself. I love her!

Ever since she joined AA and stopped hanging around with Hollywood types she's really been looking good. I can't say I approve totally of the blue contacts, but at least it's not heroin.
I'm not totally in love with the green dress, or the braless sortie, but I think she looks great here. This was the earliest, so she's still rocking a little of the drug bloat, but she's seeking help, so let's all be there for her. I know I will be.

Here she is at the KROQ 'Acoustic Christmas' party, looking great in black. She is really beautiful. You can't deny it.

She is stunning here! The hair, the dress, the shoes, the stance. With every photo, I'm more and more obsessed with her. Great. I'm going to get fucking arrested for stalking. I'm not. I'm much too lazy to be a stalker.

Even MORE hot. God! Holding water, to maintain her AA "I'm no longer drinking" act, look at those legs!

Look how beautiful she is. Say it with me: Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm, Lohan!

Matthew McConaughey: Hot despite terrible fashion mistake

This man can do (almost) no wrong in my eyes. He wears bad clothes, socks with sandals, he's extremely scruffy and he probably doesn't wear deodorant. But GODDAM he's hot.

Even in this quasi-70's ugly-ass suit he's really fucking hot.

That hair is really bad though. Wow.

Anna Kournikova: Denim time-machine?

Where did this woman get her jeans? I know that she's Russian, but that is no excuse for shopping at Rave, or Sirens for jeans. I mean, come on! Is that white sandblast? Oh my god. For someone so hot, she really manages to look terrible often.

Even that sweater. Its off-the-shoulder vibe is so 2002. Gross.

Salma Hayek: The savior

Let's all praise Salma Hayek for being a really, really hot woman who wears panties (presumably) and doesn't give it away to any fool who buys her a cosmo.

Let's also praise her for being the savior. What woman has unbelievably awesome breasts like this naturally? No one. No one!

She's great. Let's all thank our lucky stars that there are still hot-ass women like Salma Hayek and Kate Beckinsale around in the face of all this grossness.

Things you don't want to see: Courtney Love edition

Never thought I'd see her vagina (by accident). She's more for just whipping it out (see here)

She was at an event, wearing a very high-cut dress and while in the car, gave everyone a view of how high-cut her dress really was.

Um. Ew.

Why can't anyone in Hollywood wear unders anymore?

Click on the image for a zoom-in

Jennifer Love Hewitt: "I'm Hugh Jass"

Remember that episode of 'The Simpson's' when Bart calls Moe's Tavern and asks for a prank name, but it ends up being a real person. The gentleman comes to the phone and says, "Yes, I'm Hugh Jass."

He was obviously mistaken, because it is clear that Jennifer Love Hewitt is Hugh Jass, or at least has a HUGE ASS.

Oh my god. That thing is ridic! I don't remember it being so gross. I mean, I'm all for curvy ladies, but it looks like she's storing her winter food supply in there.

Good lord.

Beyonce's Boobies are scary

There is something not right going on with B's boobies here. I don't know if it's fashion tape, or what, but it is fucking scary.

Gahh. I am going to have nightmares.

Britney Spears: Another week in review - December 19th edition

Britney had an OK week this week. We could definitely say that it was an improvement from previous in some ways, and really not in others. Let's break it down:

- She dyed her hair darker and got less ghetto extensions

- She stopped hanging around with Parasite

- She was seen spending time with her children

BUT, she also:

- Wore a see-through top

- And was seen making out with this tool (also her producer)This woman needs to learn about distance and taking some when getting involved with men. They should not be part of her goddamn entourage all the time. Or ever.

PS - His name is JR Rotem! Really? That's the worst name EVER!

Tom Cruise has man-boobs!

Hee hee! I love it. First I heard that he wore a physical therapy grade girdle on his wedding day, now we can all see that Tom has acquired man-boobs! It's fabulous! It's one of the funniest things to happen this year!

Finally, Jesus has shown me he exists! Scientology be smote! Jesus has proven his existence with Tom's man titties. Ok, I don't really believe in Christianity, but I think this is great. Let's all giggle at Tom's breasts together.

This is the first thing so far, this holiday season, that has made me feel like it's really a season of miracles!

Nicole Richie is hilarious

I apologize to anyone who thinks that what Nicole Richie did was bad, because I thought it was fucking hilarious.

Ok, I will admit that I have a personal connection to this story. Maybe you'll understand why I think it's so funny:


So my mother (yes, her again) was a child-care provider (and stay-at-home mom) after her children were born. She got this gig (ha ha, 'gig') nanny-ing 3 British kids in a neighbouring city. Occaisionally, she'd stay later at night, if the parents had a function or something.



One night, she was caring for them because the parents were at a gala of some kind. I was there with her.

The parents ended up getting home quite late, so late that my mother and I were sleeping on the couch. To get home, we had to get onto the highway and my mother, somehow, ended up turning up the wrong ramp and got on the highway facing the wrong way. A la Nicole Richie.



It was quite frightening, and to ease my anxiety my mother took me to McDonald's (yes, at ~2am), but I have to say, at least she wasn't on Vicodin or weed, or both. She was straight as an arrow. Just tired and a little weird.



Let's smile at my weird memory and look at Nicole's mug shot.

Hilary Duff: The UG continues

Seriously, who's brilliant idea was this CD cover? The looks like a man with pin-curls.

No wonder her ex, Joel Madden, is dating Nicole Richie. At least she's a big bag of drugged up fun.

This is not right.

Gross.

Topless! Amy Poehler

Click on the image for an unblocked view

Ok, so the person could have been better, but at least it's boobage. It is the holidays after all. Enjoy everyone.

For those of you who don't remember who she is, here's a shot of her on 'Saturday Night Live', doing the Weekend Update.

Trivia: She's married (in real life) to Will Arnett, the man who played GOB on Arrested Development.

Matthew McConaughey on Oprah

I hate Oprah. I hate that she never gives her favourite things to me, I hate that she becomes blacker when she's with other African Americans (ex: "You go girl!", "Dayum"), I hate that she makes American women lose their shit and I especially hate that she introduced Dr Phil to this world. THANKS A FUCKING LOT, O.

The only thing that can make me not hate her for a day is Matthew McConaughey. Ok, and Jennifer Aniston.

MM was on Oprah this week to talk about his new movie, 'We Are Marshalls'. Apparently he cried. Aww, he's all sensitive. How cute.

Is it just me, or does it look like he might run into a movie premiere and snatch you and take you to his mountain cabin and do things to you? I think it's the unruly facial and head hair.

I like that shirt, the yoke is interesting. I do not like the white socks, but what do you expect from a hairy mountain man?

Mmm, he's yummy.

Lord Lohan - going nuts?

I need your help. I don't know what to do. For the 2nd time in less than 6 months I am thinking of giving up on her.



This week has been pretty nuts. She's claimed that Al Gore and Bill & Hilary are helping her with her reputation, her PR rep has admitted that she's entered rehab, and she's claimed that Parasite beat her.



I am a little lost. She's apparently constantly coked out, almost OD'd last month, was cutting her wrists with a bread knife...holy shit. This is not good.



Let's look at her this week:

Leaving AA, that's some serious bloat. I'm assuming it's from not snorting pounds of coke daily...but she doesn't look good. Or healthy. Or happy (which I think we can safely assume she isn't).

Also, is that a mechanic's onesie? Does this mean I can take mine out of storage?

Leaving Orso in LA. Tights with shorts. I'm not sure about the look. Rocking the drug bloat again. This isn't looking good.

~

Do we pull a switch and go with Kate? Has Lohan ever looked as good as Kate does below? Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really ugly dress: Jennifer Connelly

I really like Jennifer. I dig her 'I don't really care what you think' vibe.

First, she was rocking uber thick brows, all "fuck you and your tweezers, Drew!", now they're a little more thinned out, and I love her more.

I have to say though, I really hate this dress. Yes, it's beautifully tailored to her, and again, her eyebrows look great. BUT the fabric is wretched. It's so First Lady.

Nope. Don't like it.

And what happened to her ample bosom?! Does anyone know about this?

Daily sad: TomKat not pissed at JLO

Wouldn't you have wished that JLo's diva behavior at the TomKat union would have caused a serious rift in the weird celebrity couples society?

It didn't.

Here are the fools at a movie premiere hanging together. In the first picture, you only kind of hate what JLo is wearing, but then you scan down to the second and BAM! That outfit is like a punch in the face.

What the fuck is that?!?! It's really hideous. Not to mention the post boxing match eye make-up. Yikes.

I must be honest though, and I find this really depressing, I think my mother has a blouse like that.

You know, I don't really know where I came from, considering every time there is something fug on here I say that my mom either has it, or would have rocked it. Yikes. It's not to say that I'm ashamed, but I am really ashamed.

Silly hair: Gwen Stefani

I mean, PLEASE. Can we not do hair do's like this?

Plus, she totally ripped this off from Alex on 'The OC'.

Don't tell anyone, but I actually attempted to get my hair to do this once. I had to cut a knot out of my bang-region that day. It wasn't pretty.

She is even staring up at it like it's an embarrassment.

Also, I must say, I am not loving those high waisted shorts. I know high waist is coming back and all, but I'm not sure if 'long-butt' is really the look all the ladies will be going for, after working out like fucking mad for the past 5 years.

What do you think? Is long-butt for you?

Britney Spears: Another week in review

Has Brit come to her senses? Let's read the post on her website:

Let's all thank whomever it is that we thank, because our lady Brit seems to have seen the error in her cooter-show-off week last week.

So far this week she has improved by doing the following:

1) Avoiding Paris Hilton

2) Spending time with her back-up dancers

3) Wearing underwear

4) Wearing pants (although sometimes mens' - see below)

I hope that her mother beat some sense into her and told her that she shouldn't be spending her time with Parasite. I hope Britney would listen to that.

Here she is out with her back-up dancers in one outfit (hopefully with undies)

Here she is a brief time later, in one of her back-up dancer's outfits. Um. What?

That guy to her left is freaking me out in a Pete Doherty kind of way.

Billboard Music Awards '06: Pics

Really, who cares about these awards?
I mean, are they even televised?

I know that Parasite and Britney shunned them, but I would too if my beav had such a busy social schedule the week before.

Let's mock and talk:


Courtney Love:
Um, is it just me or has she gained ~30 lbs in the past few days? If you check out the nudie pics I have of her (posted just last week), she doesn't look nearly as heavy as this. I find that gown a little much for the fucking Billboard awards. I mean, seriously woman, it's not a fucking ball.

Carmen Electra:
Thank god the woman smartened up. The last awards show she was at she looked like a really misguided flapper dancer. An unattractive one. With bad hair. Thank god she's back to hot.

Carrie Underwood:
I am not 100% sure who this is, but I think she was on American Idol. I think she has the best outfit of this entire post. The dress is hot, but not too dressy. The hair is nice, but not too fancy. I love it. I bet she sings country or something. That would fucking break my heart.

Is anyone else totally getting a Kelly Tayler (Jennie Garth) vibe off of her?

Denise Richards:
Hmm. I must say that I hate this look. As many of you know, I have never found Denise Richards to be as hot as people make her out to be. Those brows are just too unruly. I have many things to say about this outfit.

Where most people think going black is safe, I would like to warn them that THIS is NOT a good example. Mostly because of the shoe/tight combo. It really doesn't go with the dress. She should have thrown on some other kind of leg covering.

The dress looks like something Jackie-O would wear and the hair! Good lord in heaven, the hair! What disaster of a hairdresser piled that shit up there like that??! That is not acceptable. She looks like she was breakdancing on top of her skull and her hair knotted up on top and she though 'hmm, I think this is a totally doable look for an awards show.' WRONG Denise. Try again.

Gwen Stegani & Gavin Rossdale:
I'm sure many couples have this problem. One person in the relationship is much more casual than the other and it causes lots of odd photos because you look like you shouldn't really be at the same event. That's what's happening here.

I don't mean to be a nag (I totally do), but could Gavin have thrown on a fucking shirt? She's wearing a beautiful dress. You can't take off the t-shirt for a fucking evening?! That would piss my ass off. Luckily, my hubby-to-be is much more stylish that T-Shirto here.

Janet Jackson & Jermain Dupri:
I don't understand. Did she know she looked like a tranny in that 'do? It's the only explanation I can come up with for that ridiculous tranny-esque matching outfit. She must have known. It must have been the look she was going for. Why else would she not have sleeves, but have french cuffs?

Good god, Jermaine Dupri is lucky he's mad talented. Because he's really fugly. REALLY. Actually, they make a lovely, congruous couple. Blech.

Nelly Furtado:
Canada's angel! We love us some Nelly. I know I said that I would accept the bangs, but upon seeing them swept aside, I am back in love with non-bangs Nelly. Look how fresh and pretty her face is without them!

I think the dress is gorgeous, even if it is a little much for the event. And those shoes are awesome.

~

I declare Carrie Underwood the fashion winner of the evening. And yes, I looked it up, I'm aware she fucking sings country. And YES, it's hurts my soul. A lot.