Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Beyonce & JayZ Are The Cutest

I'm going to be honest, I didn't watch the Grammy's. It's too boring. I can't. The nomination show is much better.

I did, however, watch the performance Bey and JayZ did. This is fresh off of a JayZ show in Montreal on Friday night. We were still in the afterglow. And then this happened. And apparently it was the best part of the show. My husband's eyebrows almost flew off his head a couple of times while we were watching this.


Just, like, I can't. They're so adorable. Look at them. I'm happy she came back to the bob. It's what I based my entire haircut around and it was getting tiresome saying, "remember when she had a bob for a week this summer?" 


There has been much chatter about how thin she is, even from the dress' designer, saying she fit the mannequin sizing. She did look noticeably leaner, but nothing alarming. She's been touring and promoting, and rehearsing. It's normal she'd get leaner.


Sunday, January 26, 2014

The 2014 Grammy's Red Carpet

Important people have started to skip the red carpet. This is not a good thing. 

Ok, shall we?
Alicia Keys:
Meh. This is not really flattering. Her nostrils look happy about it, but they're wrong. There's something weird happening under that black waist detail. Is she wearing Spanx? How do these people wear Spanx all the time. I feel like there would be a lot of sweating.

Ahhh, I'm classy.

Amber Rose:
She looks strangely serene and not attention-whorey. Maybe it's having a child. This dress is borderline demure for her.

Anna Faris:
I die for this color. It's perfect. It's so clean and chic and very elegant. And then there's her face and hair. I wish she hadn't pumped stuff into her face like this. She was so pretty and now she looks like everyone else. Blech.

Anna Kendrick:
She needs to corner Sarah Hyland and show her how to have fun. There will only be a short period in your life when you can wear things like this and you have to do it then, or you're a big old slut. This is awful. Super ugly, etc, but she's in her 20's. So it's perfect. And it's at the Grammy's.

Chrissy Teigen:
This dress is amazing. It's super perfect and drool worthy. Her hair is not great, it's too messy and I feel like she should have a messy bun, wouldn't that be better?

Ohhh, this dress. I love it.

Ciara:
Awww, belly cupping is the worst. We can tell you're pregnant. And honestly, we're really happy that you followed Olivia Wilde's lead and wore something simple but fantastic.

It's too bad that laced up bustier is making her look like she's on the cover of a romance novel.

Daft Punk:
I want those boots. And these blazers.

Giuliana Rancic:
Bitch! EAT. A. SANDWICH.

Kathy Griffin:
I hate when people wear things with bustlines that fall above their bustlines. It's so simple but so disgusting. This dress is already the worst, and then she has that terrible seam problem too? Ugh.

Katy Perry:
It's just that she's so annoying. And this dress is really annoying. Like, so cutesy. Ugh.

Kelly Osbourne:
I'm mesmerized by her strangely different eye sizes. The only thing that I do like about this, and that you can't see, is that she is wearing a necklace that goes down her back. I like that. That's the best part of this. My husband and I tried to watch about 45 seconds of her and Ross on the E! pre-show and both our brains started hurting. Ugh.

Louise Roe:
Sometimes I stand like this to cover my love handles.
I'm pretty sure that's not why she's doing this.
Her shoes are amazing though.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis:
Flaming globes of Sigmund these outfits are douchey. I can't with these.

Madonna:
Speaking of can't with these...this one. It's ok sometimes to just be a lady in your 50's. She looks like that Mexican mouse, Speedy Gonzales. Ugh. Imagine she was your mom?

Paris Hilton:
2 Grammy parties, 2 dresses where you are living in fear at the fact that you might be exposed to this one's genitals. She needs to put it away. Who invited her anyway? She's not relevant.

Pharrell Williams:
Ugh. Why is he wearing a Mountie hat? So many people dress like total idiots on this night, just in the name of being artistic. For example, Sean Lennon. Like, really? Stop it. Ugh.

Pink:
This is surprisingly great. I'm not normally a fan of those cups...I find them borderline vulgar, but she looks really good. I think I see a Spanx line on her left thigh though. Thoughts?

Rita Ora:
These sequins were apparently iridescent. I love this. It's simple and fun, he hair is really pretty and it's very event-appropriate.

Robin Thicke:
Why do these two always pose like this? There are only so many times we can see you grinning secretively, Robin, before we think you're just annoying and have figured out the CUTEST way to pose with your way-too-happy, kind of weird looking wife.

Also, to that dress: no.

Sarah Hyland:
Please see Anna Kendrick. Why is she wearing this nun's frock (it's all relative!) to this event? She's a child! Have fun.


Taylor Swift:
Shock and surprise! Taylor Swift is wearing a girly sequin dress and looks pretty.

What is with the bottom of the dress looking so wrinkled? This is not good.

Boo.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Flowers In the Attic Was SO Bad


You guys, I can't. It was so, so bad.

Honestly, I feel bad, but I don't get what all the fuss is about Kiernan Shipka. She seems so wooden to me. Also, the Cathy I pictured was much more beautiful, and less weird looking. This one, with the faces all the time.

Speaking of faces, Heather Graham's acting involved mostly wide eyed looks. It's like she was reading all her lines off of the whites of her eyes. So bad.

Unfortunately, it didn't live up to most of our pubescent expectations. It wasn't incest-y enough, the acting wasn't great and it wasn't true enough to the book.

Anyhoo, if you want a laugh, watch it. Because it will surely become a cult classic. But, like, don't expect a lot.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

The 2014 SAG Awards Red Carpet

Guys, I'm getting tired of awards season already. 3 this week. 3! Like I have nothing else to do? As if I want to do anything more than this. 

Ok, let's get to it.

Amanda Peet:
Does she have friends? Because friends don't let friends drive drunk, or DRESS drunk. This is unacceptable.

Amy Adams:
Oh but for the hair. This is so SMASHING, but that hair. It's so wrong. Imagine she had a gorgeous sleek ponytail? It would be so amazing. I love this, and I really love this color on her. She looks gorgeous. She should wear blue more.

Anna Chlumsky:
Well well well. Look who has been hiding a really hot body under all those super unflattering suits on 'VEEP'. While she will always be the girl in 'Stand By Me' to me, she is totally gorgeous and looks amazing in this. Even if I don't love the dress, she looks so good that it kind of sells it. I wish she had bangs or something...


Anna Gunn:
I die for navy dresses. They have the same sexiness as black without the severity. And it's so much more flattering to skin tones than black. Look how it warms her up. This is a nice neckline on her too.

Ariel Winter:
You know who would look epic in this? Melissa McCarthy. Right? She looks lovely and all, but I'd so much rather see her in something a little less old. Like, have some fun.

Cate Blanchett:
Pink is the color of spring 2014. Ugh, I sound like such a douche, but you know what I mean. This is really beautiful, if not a little reminiscent of the napkin I tuck into my collar when I eat pasta. Well! It gets messy!

Claire Danes:
I wish I found a pic of her without Dancy next to her, because it looks like this dress is really something exciting. I am overly excited by her hair being this color. It's like Angela Chase is coming back...because Jordan Catalano is going to win an Oscar. And lean. He'll probably lean.

Edie Falco:
I'm not sure if it's shadow, but I'm really confused by her leg color vs the rest of her body. I don't really love this, It's kind of bland, and the neckline makes her look wide...but those shoes look fun. I wonder what they look like from the side.

Elizabeth Moss:
This is very nice. But very, very boring. Like, there's no way she's ending up on any worst dressed lists, but she could end up on a yawn dressed list. Oy. What is with me today?

I like the little flip her hair is doing.


Emilia Clarke:
She looks like she's really enjoying herself, and she is making this work. There is something about it I don't like, and I think it might be the waistline. Like, she looks wide. And if anyone isn't wide, it's these people. But I like that the accessories are all black, that's a nice touch.

Gretchen Mol:
I find this very interesting. I don't know if I like it, but it's definitely very interesting. I really like the top of it and how the skirt wraps like that. Her hair is kind of terrible, and very mom hair, but she looks good.

Hannah Simone:
This girl is so beautiful. It's kind of annoying. Speaking of annoying (awesome segue), I hate this dress. It's all clouds and soft and pretty and I feel like she could do better. Maybe she can't get better during awards season, but this is not a pass.

Helen Mirren:
My god is this beautiful. And kind of major. And appropriate for her. Because she is major.

Isla Fischer:
Ugh. Just no. The satin, there's so much of it. And then there's her hair. There's just a lot going on here and it's all cheesy.

Jane Krakowski:
God I love her. She's really great. And she looks REALLY great. Her hair looks so amazing. I need this done to my hair.

Jennifer Garner:
Another one that is wearing something I'm convinced she's worn before. Except for that belt that I kind of drool for. I have this DVF t-shirt dress and I'm convinced I need a flat metal belt like that. Blah.

Jennifer Lawrence:
She looks like such an adorable dork here. This dress is nice, kind of like a starry night. But, I feel like I'm really unimpressed with the dresses this year. That must be a pain in the ass to walk in, no?

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss:
While it fits her really well, and I like the 2 tone/color block thing, I find her hair and her clutch to be the best part of this look. There's something almost pornographic about the top, I feel like I can see her breasts perfectly. That clutch though...it's really nice. I love the folds, etc

Julia Roberts:
Her eyes are reacting to my thought that this was a jumpsuit. I'm sure of it. Is it? No, it can't be. That would mean she has an impossibly high crotch. Look how great her hair looks, all ombreyed like that. It's too bad it isn't a little less perfect.

Did I mention I totally hate this jump-dress? I do. It's a little too tailored at the hem, making it look like wide legged pants (is it???) and the pin tucks at the top are making her look thick.

UPDATE: oh my god, it is a jumpsuit. How horrifying.

Julie Bowen:
I don't know about this. I want to hate it a lot, but there's something about that graphic pattern at the bottom and the cut of the bustier that's keeping me from getting angry. Then there's that weird denim-looking belt thingy. That is making me angry.

Juliette Lewis:
This fabric is really pretty. I would really love this if the neckline was different. Also, what's going on with her bangs? She has Amy Adams head. Or, like, Olive Oyl bangs. She looks really glowy and pretty though. It's nice. Normally she seems kind of skeezy.

Kaley Cuoco:
I'm not sure if you've dabbled in make-up enough to understand that what she's wearing would be an insane amount in person. The camera really reduces what's going on, and it still looks like a lot. It would be an alienating amount of eye make-up to have a conversation with. You'd just be staring at her eyes and trying to wrap your head around how heavy it might feel. Like, look at that. It's like someone used a whole eyeliner pencil on their eyes.

Her dress is kind of pretty though. I like the grey. It's unexpected and fresh.


Kathy Griffin:
It's too bad about those sleeves. They seem like weird afterthoughts, or, mistakes. The color is really nice on her and really nice in general, but those sleeves. This is where a long sleeve would have been nice.

Katrina Bowden:
I kind of like this. It's kind of crazy, but she did it as right as she can, keeping everything else simple. The top of that thing is nuts.

Kelly Osbourne:
Ugh, what is going on with the necklines? I hate the neckline on this? This looks like something Elizabeth Taylor (RIP) would have worn. The detail is really beautiful, but those sleeves really ruin it for me. Also the fact that she STILL has purple hair. Just stop.

Kerry Washington:
I'm confused. Is the waistband on or above her pregnant stomach? Oh! And is blindness a side effect of pregnancy? Because she and Drew Barrymore with these weirdo applique flower outfits...something is in the water, right?

Lena Heady:
OH MY GOD CIRCUS TENT, OH MY GOD. Why?

Lupita Nyong'o:
She is SHAMING every other woman out there. WTF? Gorgeous. Another home run. Where is she finding these dresses and how is she getting them before everyone else? Amazing.

Maria Menounos:
Is this another jumpsuit? I'm traumatized now. Her breasts look trapped in that thing. It looks like bandaging. I don't like the 2 parts together either. They don't look like they match. No. I don't like this.

Mayim Bialik:
My god she has weird taste. But does she ever look beautiful here. Look how flawless her face looks. Like, so smooth and gorgeous. But that skirt is making me twitch. Yuck.

Melissa Rauch:
This is really nice and she looks really great. I like the touch of green in the jewelry and the clutch. It's a little bit of fun dribbled onto the severity of a black, strapped, column gown.

Meryl Streep:
OMG, imagine if the bottom was harem pants or something? It would have been way too casual for an awards show, but an amazing casual outfit. I don't like this skirt length. It's awkward and looks odd with this top. The pocket too. Like, you almost expect you could paper doll some jeans on her and see her at Whole Foods or something.

Michelle Dockery:
Hmmm, I don't know. That top is weird. Like, weeeeird. Hear it in a high pitched tone. It's weird. Looks like a vest over a wife beater or something...like tux-inspired but not right. I was wrong. I do know. It's weird and I don't like it.

Mindy Kaling:
Just beautiful and lovely. Her hair is perfect, the drape is perfect, the color is gorge. She looks amazing. Very, very lovely.

Natalie Dormer:
Awww. Her hair...it's so bad. While I greatly admire any woman with the balls to shave her head, I kind of am saddened by the fact that she thought this was a good time to do this. And it's kind of weird that she took those fruit protectors to make sleeves...

You know what? It fits her really nicely, it just seems like a lot with the hair and the weirdo sleeves.

Oprah:
My god her boobs. She looks gorgeous again. I have a thing for blue tonight, obvs.

Patricia Arquette:
You know how there are some people who will always look like junkies? Like Courtney Love? PA is one of them for me. There is something forever sketchy to me about her.

This dress is TERRIBLE. She looks like she is dressing up in her nana's old clothes. It doesn't fit, and it's ugly...and her hair. No. I hate it.

Portia de Rossi:
Awww, I really wish she hadn't done stuff to her face. Look at her. She can barely smile anymore. She looks like she's grimacing. I really wish people would stop doing that stuff. It's not good.

I love her dress...it's really pretty and feminine and I really, really love swiss dot.

Sandra Bullock:
From her knees down, I'm obsessed. Those shoes. They're amazing. And the tan. So good. But the rest? She looks like she's dressing as a Christmas present for a costume party. I really don't like that foil green mess she has wrapped around her body. She can do better.

Her cheekbones though. They're crazy.

Sarah Hyland:
Does this look unfinished to anyone else? Like it's a little too plain? And it looks like it makes noise. That fabric looks swiffy. Like, the corduroy of dresses. Why do both girls from 'Modern Family' refuse to have fun with their clothes? They're babies. Have fun!

Sarah Paulson:
Her face looks like I feel. Her hair is horrific and is making her face look like all her features are jammed into the center of her head. This dress looks like a comforter wrapped around a tank top. She looks SO unhappy, but - wouldn't you be? Wow. I really don't like this. Like, aggressively.

Sofia Vergara:
This is a nice change for her. From the constant sweeping ball gowns to something sparkly and slinky. I like it. There's a waist problem, because she's not that boxy, but the glam look really works on her. She looks lovely and it's a nice change from her normal go-to look. I even like her hair in that glam look instead of her standard wavy and big.

Tina Fey:
Perfection. So gorgeous. How cute is her daughter, too? She looks amazing. I love this.

Wooo. My wrist hurts. Have a good night peeps!