Lord Lohan post of the day - November 28

She's hot. I don't care anymore. Maybe she'll wrong me again, but I'm not sure if I care. I'm like a weak woman in an abusive relationship. No matter how she wrongs me, I'll go back over and over again.

Love her.

She's the hotness.

Here she is after buying some gold handcuffs (um yah, they're so in right now).

Here she is getting out of her car. Click on the pic for a more graphic upskirt (wow, we're all vag here lately)

Ohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Lohan

Horizontal Stripes - not working on Nicole Richie

I don't know if it's the stripes, or the weirdo turtleneck body, but I'm not digging this top at all.

It is really not flattering. Although...for once, and perhaps the first time in ALL of time, horizontal stripes do not make someone look wide.

Hmm.

Still love her though...she fired Rachel Zoe! I don't care if it's fug, she fired the evil bitch!

Britney Spears: Call me, I'll be your stylist.

I doubt she'll call me. I mean, last time we just watched 'Friends' together and then I had to go, so we got nothing done. I bet she's pissed at me.

But seriously. Can this woman use some of her mucho funds to get herself a stylist (and a better friend that Paraskank)?

I do not approve of the knit orange hat. I do not approve of the booze splattered tank, and I really don't care for the lack of concealer. Come on woman! You're single! Help me out here.

Call me.

PS - Lack of bra? Not ok.

I like Julia Louis-Dreyfuss

I loved Elaine. I loved how she pushed people, I loved how she shouted violently, I loved how she always started to tell people to shove something up their whatever, but then got cut off.

Since leaving Seinfeld, I feel like she's been the most successful. She hasn't been caught screaming racist slurs at anyone, she hasn't been in any KFC commercials and she hasn't...well, Jerry Seinfeld is ok too.

Look how cute she is here. She's super fit, just out and about without make-up. I like her.

The apocalypse is near...

I love me some hick-time Britney. Love it. I love that she's dumped the money-grubbing loser, but I think she could do much better in the way of friends than Parasite.

As most of you know, I have a strict "no Parasite" pictures rule on this blog, but I'm going to show her today just because I am so saddened by what has happened.

Brit and Paris have been hanging out like mad. They got the cops called on them after the AMA's because they had an after-after-party at Parasite's and the neighbours got pissed off by the noise and the sunlight-like strobing from the papparazzi's flash bulbs. Enough to cause a stroke, apparently. Too bad Parasite is so used to them...

I think Britney should align herself with someone a LOT less trampy and more cool. Nelly Furtado, perhaps. They both have kids, they both sing...hmm. I should be a matchmaker.

The Olsens look cute!

Ok, so Ashley looks cute. Mary Kate really needs to get over her "I'm a homeless woman with many cats/Stevie Nicks" look. It's not so great, and even though they're identical twins, she makes Ashley look leaps and bounds better.

I especially like the dark hair on Ashley. Very nice. Verrrrrrry nice.

Love that dress.

Cameron Diaz gets her nose done...

...And she's still disgusting.

After seeing the results of Asslee Simpson's nose job, Cameron stated that she'd like to have the same surgeon fix up her face. She claims that the only reason she wanted it fixed is because she broke it surfing a few years ago. I think she was trying to de-fug herself.

Unfortunately, she didn't fix it up enough to be noticeable. She'll have to use some Comet and steel wool to fix that mess.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

PS - I still want a nose job.

Courtney Love - nude again

Can we please all unite and pray for Frances Bean? Why on Earth does Courtney Love insist on getting nude all the time?!?!

Her daughter is in high school for Pete's sake! Doesn't she know what a nude photo spread can do to a girl in high school? Oh la la.

They're not even that nice...

(Click on the photo for one without barfing smiling men covering her naughty bits)

American Music Awards: some pics

Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale:
One cannot deny that these two are hot. They go together like bangers and mash (ha ha, Tobias) and are one of those celebrity couples you actually root for.
I must say that I didn't know Gavin was already pregnant with their second child. How is it that he looks thin in the face/neck region but looks preggo in the abdominal region? That is a weird ass phenomenon.
I'm not sure I'm digging Gwen's wig look. I know I love the new song, because it's the shit, but that wig really doesn't turn me on. Gotta love her balls though. I wonder if they make him feel like less of a man...
Ashlee Simpson:
I am the first one on the block to admit that Asslee looks much better since her Jessification. In fact, I maintain my belief that there was only enough hotness in the Simpson clan to last one daughter, and it seems like Asslee has taken it from Jess.


I will, however, slam the hotness thief if she chooses to show up at an awards show looking like a common streetwalker. Her hair is really not acceptable, her eye make-up looks like someone beat it onto her...I won't deny she looks REALLY good compared to her former self, but come on! Do us all a favour and shower before showing up.

Nelly Furtado:

You know what? I love her even with the grade 4 bangs. She's too gorgeous to deny it. I feel like Nelly Furtado possesses the kind of beauty that they talked about when they talked about how Cleopatra's beauty killing men.

She has a gorgeous round bum, a beautiful face, skin tone people would beg for, and gorgeous thick hair. Love me some Nelly Furtado.

Carmen Electra:

I feel like Carmen tried to do something different here...maybe in an effort to attract a man who doesn't wear eyeliner for once.

I give her kudos for the initiative and the effort, but I can't help but give her a thumbs down for the 20's glam look. I didn't realize they were already remaking the Aviator...or that the auditions were at the AMA's.

The dress gives her man shoulders, which makes her look tranny-tastic, her hair is pulled back too severely. This is not Carmen at her best. Aww, it makes me sad a little.

Tori Spelling:

You know how pregnant women glow? The baby inside makes them gorgeous on the outside? Am I losing my mind or is it actually working on Tori Spelling?

For someone who is normally unbelievably hideous, she actually looks quite acceptable. I'm so confused. What is the world coming to when Tori Spelling looks good and Carmen Electra looks like drag queen?

Lord Lohan - vag of the day

How cute is my hubby-to-be? He thought that I might like this picture for my blog, so he saved it for me!

He even put a cute file name on it.

Aww. This is validation that I have the perfect man!

Rod Stewart: Vintage Junk

This picture is really gross, but I think it's important to see what our mothers thought was hot, back in the day.

Doesn't that give you a little insight on why she still thinks perms are acceptable? Maybe that's just my mother.

Seriously though, what would you do if your boyfriend had a matching striped tank and mantie set?

Yikes.

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer...again

I remember back in the day when John Mayer was desireable. He was cutely puny, whiny and sang REALLY romantic music. 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' is still one of my favourite songs.

Then he started talking when people asked him questions and I started to hate him. He's arrogant, pompous and also mildly racist.

I also remember when Jessica Simpson was the shit. Now, admittedly I cannot dog on her right now because she does have her extensions in, but still. She's not the Jess of the days of yore.

A photographer caught them on a date last week. Apparently Jess had a liquid lunch of double vodka crans (ew). Hot.

Imagine the nauseating duets that would come out of that union? Gahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes marry and I don't care

Yipee! Scientologist wedding!

Seriously. I really don't care.

I am especially sickened by the fact that their ridiculous end of ceremony kiss lasted something like 3+ minutes. THAT MAN DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY BATTY!

The best thing I've heard about this wedding is that JLo was such a ridiculous diva! She apparently sent her assistant on the jet prior to take off to take all the 'best' seats. This pissed off many famous people, including Cameron Crowe, Jada Pinkett, bla bla bla.

Then (what a ho) she wore a gown (see pic) to what was supposed to be a casual dinner. Ooooh! What a horrible bitch. I think everyone needs to lighten up. It's not like she pretends to NOT be a diva.

RIP: Robert Altman

Robert Altman, amazing director, died today at the age of 81.

The man was brilliant. His movies included, "Mash", "Nashville" and "Prairie Home Companion"...the Lord is in that.

This picture was taken this year at the Oscars when he won a lifetime achievement award.

Kramer is racist? But what about Jackie Chiles?

Michael Richards, famous for playing 'Kramer' on Seinfeld lost his shit this past weekend while performing stand up. He started freaking out when some guys talked through his set...go here for the video, but here's a quote:

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f--king fork up your ass,"

"You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf--ker. Throw his ass out. He's a n--ger! He's a n--ger! He's a ni--ger! A n--ger, look, there's a n--ger!"

The video blows your mind. He looks like a man come undone. It's really unpleasant. I don't understand how people can still have attitudes like this.

Honestly, I hate this man a little for his ignorance. Actually, more than a little.

Rachel Zoe out on her ass!!!

I am super excited to regurgitate that Nicole Richie has dumped Rachel Zoe as her stylist!!!

I find this really frigging exciting!

Hopefully the Lord will do it next and then that age denying ho will be out on her wrinkly forehead where she belongs.

Death to Rachel Zoe!

Lord Lohan post of the day - November 14

Bitch has been looking hot lately. I quite enjoyed the video clip from last week where she calls Parasite a 'c' with an 'unt' then denies it! I love the dichotomy, the soap opera-ism, etc.



Here she is. God love her.

Mind you, Robbie Williams looks like a mental case here...but she's hot. Despite the knit cap.

Bitch looks gooooooooooooooood. Those are some nice pins. Loving it.

[Thanks to Egotastic for the link]

Definition: Fivehead

(n.) The body part commonly referred to as the forehead, only larger or higher due to a receding hairline or facial structure

A good example is the following man:

As many of you know, I used to love the Spice Girls. My entire grade 11 agenda was plastered with photos, lyrics, etc. My infatuation happened to coincide with our first internet connection and it was all searching all the time.

I never liked Baby Spice. I thought her look was FUCKING IRRITATING. Below is a picture of her latest solo album cover. I don't even think she looks that bad, but for the blatant fivehead. Why would they concentrate so much on the portion below the neck and not do anything about that massive cranium?

Lord, ass doesn't always distract from weird heads. Why does everyone think a little ass will confuse us all so much?

Is this a boy?!?!?!

Keira Knightly really makes me barf. Like, really.

What the fuck is with this "sexy" photo shoot? It looks like a European football star with a bra on as a joke at initiation.

Oh god. It's so revolting.

Overwhelming response: Kate Beckinsale is the new goddess

Ok, not yet, but if Lilo gets out of line again...we have an easy replacement.

100% of you voted for Kate Beckinsale to replace Lord Lohan as the reigning queen of Skankopolis.

Look how gorgeous she is! I can't blame you!

Tara Reid?

Is the world coming to an end? Is the apocalpse now? Tara Reid actually looks like you could introduce her to her mother like this. You could bring this squeaky clean bitch home, yo!

Is anyone else hurt by this?

I really need to see some seriously drunken pics of her soon, or I will definitely lose all faith in humanity.

Britney Spears: Divorce update

I am so appalled to hear that KFed is counter-suing for full custody of the two Spears-Federline spawn. Like any judge in their right mind would give that dillhole those kids over her! He's resorted to recording his antics in his car (that she bought him) to try to make money. Taxi Cab confessions he is not.

There has been a hubbub lately about Brit being seen about with her ring. People are freaking out. Uh, she FUCKING BOUGHT THEM, I would wear them too. Actually, I would melt it and pour the molten gold on that tool's eye sockets, but she's Southern, she'll do something weird too.

Don't get your knickers in a twist everyone, she paid for the rings, it's ok if she wants to wear them. Also, it shows the media that she isn't petty. I'm not sure what message the blatant cleavage and hooker make-up conveys though...

Anna Anorexikova?

Remember when Anna Kournikova was the hotness? She was coveted by most men in America for being blonde, hot and athletic. She's still blonde, still hot in the face, but no longer athletic. Gone are the strong muscular body parts and the anorexic limbs have replaced them.

Bitch looks like she hasn't eaten in 3 years! Yuck! She was hot. Was. Now, not so much.

Boo Anna. Boo. No polite tennis clap for you.

Matthew McConaughey celebrates his birthday

Some people are calling it the 'Sexiest Man Alive' curse. There was something similar at my high school where the couple voted "Most Likely to Get Married" in the yearbook would always break up before the yearbook was printed.

I just think he doesn't give a shit, and that makes me like him more. Sure, he looks like the love child of a Yeti and Virginia Madsen, but he's still goddam, smoking hot.


Here he is celebrating his birthday in the sweatiest celebration of all time. Is it disgusting that I would cut a lock of his sweat-hair and keep it forever?








Mmmm. Still hot. I don't care what any bitches say.

Rachel Zoe is the devil

One of my favourite clothing websites, Revolve, has styling tips from Rachel Zoe this season. That made me like it less.

I think this woman is disgusting. Sure, she can throw together an outfit, and now gets any item of clothes she could ever desire for her girls (Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, etc), but that doesn't make her awesome.

The rumour that has been floating around Hollywood forever is that she is also most of the young starlets' drug dealer. She's the one keeping them thin. Thanks. Whore.



Maybe she should rub some of that cocaine on her weird-ass, wrinkly forehead and try to get rid of those terrible Luke Perry wrinkles. 32 my ass.



I hate her! But I do want her job, so I am jealous of her. Oh, and her wardrobe. Mmm.

Jessica Simpson

I am digging the lowlights! Oh yes! I am digging them!!!

I wish she would just stay pretty for a few months. This yo-yo-ing around is killing me.

Kelly Clarkson takes back the ol' nickname

I have to admit, I loath 'American Idol'. I think it is a scab on the already septic wound of North American television. When it first came out, I used to call Kelly "Piggy." I thought this was very brilliant, mostly because I was an idiot.

However, ol' KC has earned back her nickname. After years of fighting a plump figure, she has apparently eaten every Krispy Kreme (god that intentional misspelling annoys me) made in the past 6 months.

Piggy, come on! It's ok to be curvy, but you can't encourage young girls to be unhealthy, that's just not right!

Oh, and that haircut and weirdo catsuit both suck too.

Kate Bosworth needs an IV of Quizno's

Seriously, someone better toast this bitch up a cheese-sauce sandwich because she is looking ri-fucking-diculous. Yes, I know the swearing is extraenous, but I like it.

Where does she even buy clothes? I don't understand. The extremely tall babies department? Yuck. She's gross.

Rosario Dawson's bangs are getting longer

Yay! One more month and she might not look like a 3 year-old cut her hair!

Hurrah!

On the sadder side, it has been heard that she and Jason Lewis (Smith from 'Sex & the City') have broken up. Sad.

Super Late: Celebrity Halloween costumes

I know, I know, I'm very late. But you must have at least gotten used to it by now, right? I hope you're coming here for the Skankopolis spin on it...oy. I am probably wrong.

Let's mock or love them:

Minnie Driver

I like her. I don't know if I sympathize with her because Matt Damon dumped her on Oprah, or what, but I like her. That make-up and those shoes are a bit scary to me, but hey, it was Halloween.

Alyssa Milano

Occaisionally I will see a picture of Alyssa Milano and wonder why the hell anyone still considers her newsworthy. And then I remember that 'Charmed' is still on (is it?). Honestly, I kept thinking that she was in the news for her hairy arms...and she is. Here and here. I like the costume, but since I wrote about Minnie Driver first, I feel like she's copying her.

Seal & Heidi Klum

These two are the cutest couple. Yes, she has a shrill voice, but his majestic, romantic voice more than makes up for it. And, even though they weren't so great looking when she first popped them out, their kids are cute. I love how into Halloween they are. I love even more that HE is dressed as Eve.

Chris Klein and his girlfriend
I hate this guy. I HATE HIM. I was always reaching for who I could add to the Male Axis of Evil, and I have decided. If possible, and everyone agrees, we will add this loser. What kind of half-assed costume is this? A PIZZA SLICE!??? I hate him. It's not even a good one, it just looks like he stole a Domino's poster, cut out the slice and tied it to himself with his mother's stockings. Gahh. I also hate his girlfriend, mostly because she is with him. I forget her name at the moment.

The Lord we like to call Lohan

First of all, how come no one told me bitch was on Oprah today?!? I would have fucking skipped work to watch that shit. Fuck me. I'll have to download a torrent tomorrow. She totally looks like a whore here. She must have learned this dress-up technique from Parasite. I prefer the tribute to Jane Fonda costume.

SHE DID IT!!!! BRITNEY IS FREE!!!

Everyone, let's rejoice! The rumour is today that Britney has filed divorce papers!!! SAY GOODBYE TO THE FREE RIDE KFed!!! LOSER!

Bitch popozao'd his ass! (See? That word IS good for anything!)

She showed up on David Letterman last night looking much better than anyone has seen her looking in a while and apparently filed the papers today!

TMZ broke the news. God I hope this is true!

Yay! Let's all go have margarita's to celebrate!!!

[Thanks to TMZ & Lainey for the info & pics]