The Twilight Vampire Posters...uh. Really?

I read Twilight. I am horribly ashamed to admit it, but I felt like I couldn't NOT read it. It's one of those social phenomenons, and I skipped Harry Potter (I know, horrible either/or choice)...so I needed to.

I have read all 4 books now and I am really disappointed to see how they're depicting the Volturi...they look like lame goth kids. Seriously. This top guy (Caius?) especially. Seriously? He's supposed to be the scary asshole from the book? Come on. I would laugh at this guy.

And Dakota Fanning isn't pale enough...and I hate that they played up the child aspect by making her robe short.

Oh my god, I need a life.



This guy seriously looks like the guy who delivers food from a restaurant near our house. Lame.

Britney is looking FAN-tastic

Seriously - let's remember she had 2 kids. In recent years. She looks awesome. Fantastic. Now, if we could only say the same thing for that embarrassingly ghetto weave. Yikes.

I wish someone would outlaw extensions. They're so vile when they're not 100% perfect.

Ick.

Chris Brown - MEGA DOUCHEBAG EXTRAORDINAIRE

Seriously. SERIOUSLY? THIS GUY IS PRETENDING NOT TO REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED?

I want to put a pencil behind that bowtie and spin until his eyeballs pop out of his head.

I hope someone kicks the sh!t out of this kid, because he deserves it.

He doesn't remember...yet I'm sure it's something that poor girl is never, ever going to forget.

Lindsay Lohan's downward spiral...continued

Collagen in her lips? Seriously?

So dated!

I'm sure she'll deny it inside out and/or say it was for the role, but seriously, what a hot mess. It's not even interesting anymore, except for the crazy shit she wears.

And another thing...she has so little $ yet she's putting it in her lips like this? What a waste. Someone start this girl a retirement savings plan.

Possible Halloween costume

I used to be big into Halloween, like BIG. I used to spend a lot of time and money making awesome costumes for my husband and I...to the point of getting things made at a dress-maker. Like that stupid.

I kind of miss it. There's something fun about dressing up and being silly for a night...so I was thinking this year might be the year to do it again...

I was thinking of maybe being John & Kate (minus the 8)...And then I found this totally awesome wig that makes it possible. I mean, it's a perfect wig of her hideous hair. How can I not do this?

Plus - as a bonus, I'm really good and being bitchy and making bitchy faces. Perfect!

All my hubby has to do is wear a douchey t-shirt and look sad. I already make him sad, so it's perfect.

Chris Brown doesn't seem too remorseful...

So you remember the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown domestic violence case from February, right?

You remember that Chris Brown brutally beat Rihanna and threatened to kill her? Well, the jackass was sentenced earlier this week and the sentence is kind of so-so. He got 5 years probation, including a lot of community service that he'll have to serve in his home state of New Jersey (they have tougher community service there than in California).

He also has to stay 100 ft from Rihanna at all times unless they're at an industry event, then he can be 10 ft away. Not sure how long that lasts.

Anyhoo - I loathe this guy, I don't think he's showed any remorse for what he's done...days after he was seen at P Diddy's mansion in Miami on a jet ski and flirting with girls. Wow. Since the incident he released one video apology which was so scripted and half hearted that you had to be half deaf and mostly retarded to believe it.

All this to say that this guy is a douche and I hope the rumours of Rihanna secretly wanting to get back together with him aren't true.

I mean, look how sad he is the night of the sentencing. Now that's remorse people. That is a man who feels bad about what he did.

Ass.

Teen Choice Awards - Debauchery for teens!

So the Teen Choice happened this week and there was some general stupidity...let's talk about it, because, really, it's what we're best at.

Alexis Biedel:
Hey, here's a thing: mismatch your shoes and it looks like you have style. Um, WRONG. Those shoes are fug city and that dress looks like it's too big and is a 1997 prom reject. I say that only because one of my girlfriends went to prom in essentially that dress, just full length.

She's lucky she's devastatingly cute, because that outfit is fug.


Amanda Bynes:
"Hi, I have the same dress in 95 different colors! Oh, and in case you didn't know, I use Lindsay Lohan's tanning products! So hot! What? My fake hair sucks? I suck? You guys are mean."

Truth hurts, honey.

Ashley Greene:
First of all, too many people are named Ashley. Enough already world. Change your name if you haven't already. Secondly, people have already ripped this girl to shreds for this outfit, and while I totally agree that it's fug, all she needs to do is change the color of the corset and the belt to navy (say) and it's cute as she is. Like a button.

Plus, Alice is my favorite character in 'Twilight' (you're a loser!), so I can't not like her.

Ashley Tisdale:
I always like what this girl is sporting and this is no exception. It's not quite as fun as it could be, considering the event, but she looks good, and well put together, and I have never seen her cooch or her tata's (ahem Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene, Britney, Megan Fox, etc, etc, etc) so I have to give her props.


Black Eyed Peas:
You know, for old people, they're really putting in a lot of obnoxious effort to stay relevant. Ha ha. So mean. Seriously though, I feel like their album is basically a track list of them clinging to their former youth: it's all about partying and being awesome. At 40. Seriously. I'm not saying that life ends at 30, at all, but maybe they should act their age.

Oh, and stop dressing like total douche bags. I'm just saying. Though, I'm deeply in love with Fergie's shoes. 'I wrote a sonnet for them' love.

Britney Spears:
Looks awesome. Cheesy, yes, but awesome. Considering the past few years, it's nice to see her like this. She looks young, pretty, and her body looks very, very awesome. Yay Britney!

Cameron 'Pit Stains' Diaz:
I'm adding the nickname because this is the 2nd award show in a row she's had wicked pit stains. I mean COME ON! I am going to Botox my pits and I have ridiculous debt and no sign of making $10 million a movie anytime soon. Why can't she?

Ugh, she grosses me out. CPSD. Niiiice. It's a lot of letters, but I think it works. Wish I could say I hate her dress, but I really, really don't. I love it.


Ed Westwick:
If I had to guess at an inner monologue, this is what it would be: 'I am fierce! FIEEEERCE! Look how awesome I look in this James Dean t-shirt (my idol, of course) my rolled up jeans and sockless feet jammed into loafers. I am rocking this look. Rock. Ing. It. Damn!'

Now, here would be my reponse if I enjoyed telepathy and was nearby: "Ed! Ed! To quote an old classic: If you look up douchebag in the dictionary, you are there, in THIS outfit. DOUCHE." And then I would push him over, take one of his loafers and beat him with it.

Then steal his wallet. I mean, duh!

Fergie with her older sister, oh no wait, that's a skeezy 16 (holy shit) year old:
Just wanted to point out that they appear to be of similar ages here, and Fergie is almost 20 years older than Miley.

Awesome parenting Cyruses. Awesome.

Hayden Pannettiere:
In yet again, another totally age and event inappropriate outfit. This girl blows my mind. It's like she's itching to be a cougar.

DRESS YOUR AGE! Gahhh! She looks like she could be Hugh Jackmans' mother! And at that age you should not ever want or have to wear tha much make-up. Ugh. 19! She's 19!

Hugh Jackman:
This man is very delighted to be him, and I find that refreshing.

That is all.

Jordana Brewster:
I don't know why we're pretending this girl is still relevant, but her hair and body look good at this event, so good for her. The only thing I would say is her head looks completely round, like Fisher Price Little People. Now I'm giggling uncontrolably picturing her in the farm with the cow.

I wish it was ok for me to play with toys.


The Kardashian Family:
Does the entire family look bitter like that because Kim looks like a completely different person? She's SO tanned and blonde. It's ridiculous.

She is also extremely bodacious. Yikes.

Kristen Bell:
I love her jumpsuit (in a sing-song voice) and I don't care what anyone says! I also think she's cute! I give her 2 (count 'em), 2 thumbs up!

Kristen Stewart:
There is something very refreshing about this girl's 'devil may care' attitude about publicity and Hollywood in general. She really doesn't seem to give a crap and that's nice. Almost as nice as Hugh Jackman's enthusiastic enjoyment of everything, ever.

I am in love with her shoes, to the point that I dumped Fergie's shoes and am now asking KStew's shoes on a canoe ride in a pond and then a picnic where I will play with the shoes' hair. Wow. Lovely.

I don't even hate the outfit, because I feel like it's her way of telling everyone to kiss her ass, and I am a huge fan of telling people to kiss my ass.

Leighton Meister:
Adorable! All of it. the shoes are magically slutty/cute, the dress is very fantastic against that sea of nauseating Teen Choice color and her hair is wonderful (and dark again)! It's almost enough to make me watch Gossip Girl. But it's not.

Megan Fox:
Literally the first time I've seen her with her mouth closed in months. If she's not making a flirtatious motion with her tongue, then her mouth is Jessica Simpson wide and a huge grin is pasted across her face.

I am also happy to see her in something that I am unable to count her ribs in, nor mesure her bum's diameter.

I always love her hair though. I want better hair. Damn hair.

Mike Tyson:
Ha ha! He's cutting one of the Jonas Brothers' hair! How f-ing scary would it be if Mike Tyson came at you with a blade of any kind? Thousands of people watching, cameras, doesn't matter, he's scary! And I saw 'Tyson' the documentary. Sure, he's soft spoken and stuff, but he still feels he was justified in everything he did. Including cutting the throat of the Jonas Brother look-alike doll in dress rehearsal!

Miley Cyrus & a pole:
Just wanted everyone to see what great parents she has. Letting a 16 year old pole dance. Awesome. I agree with that girl on the right. Yeesh.

Vanessa Hudgens:
This girl got embarassed! During the show Dane Cook called her out and then told her to keep her clothes on. Smart. Seriously, stop sending topless photos of yourself with your phone. But how strange that they keep surfacing days before an event of some kind she's involved with. Anyhoo.

I love her dress and her hair.

Ok, now I'm spent. That was fun. Join us next time for Red Carpet Redux.

People I Hate: Kat Von D - President and now blonde

So, I have nominated, voted in and barfed on (as a barftism) Kat von D as the official president of the club of People I Hate.

Now she's blonde.

Ugh.

And anorexic? Anyone? If anything, I always found one of her redeeming qualities (aside from her insane talent) was the fact that she wasn't all perfected and size 0'd and was willing to be who she was, spare tire and all, and not be embarrassed about it.

Now she looks about half her previous size and she's a disgusting version of blonde, ruining blonde for all the women out there.

Ugh. Let's all go die our hair brown.

Also, she's releasing 2 perfumes at Sephora (yah, I like them a lot less now - go Ulta!) and for those of you who want to smell like hangover and barf - get it! There is daytime barf and nighttime going out barf! Spritz away!

Jessica Simpson's Boobs Attack!

Wouldn't that be a great campy film poster?

Anyway, for a demure-ish dress...she sure looks boobtastic. Yeesh. And drunk. Hee hee. Wasted.

Jennifer Aniston looking hot

I don't care what anyone says: She's hot.

Oh my god I want her hair. And skin tone. And body. And jeans. And money.

Ugh. I'm going to go die in a corner somewhere.

Kirsten Dunst & Demi Moore - um, wow.

Kirsten Dunst should clearly always prepare herself to stand next to Demi Moore because this is seriously the best she's looked in years.

Wow.

I am stunned into silence. That doesn't happen very often.

See what good a shower can do?

Hilary Duff on the set of 'Gossip Girl'

Considering how consistently the costume designers at 'Gossip Girl' make Blake Lively look terrible, I shouldn't be at all surprised that they've made Hilary Duff look awful too.

The girl is very, very pretty. And she's a regular size, probably a 4 or something hideously obese like that (oh my god, calm yourselves, I'm kidding). But in this outfit, she looks positively terrible.

Those Siwy jeans look good on about 4% of the people who own them. And the white is not helping at all. Not to mention the shoulder slope of that t-shirt is making her look man-ish and hulking.

Yikes. For a show with many beautiful girls, they sure manage to make them look awful a lot of the time. I mean, damn to the fuck! Ha ha.

Ugh Jennifer Love Hewitt is constantly dumb

I don't know what is with Jennifer Love Hewitt. She is so fricking annoying. "I'm not fat!" "I'm engaged!"

Does anyone really care?

Just to further prove how stupid she is, here are some pictures of her playing tennis in a bikini in wedge heels. I have never wished more that someone trip and hurt themselves.

Celebrity Switch-A-Roo: Tom Cruise, Madonna, Brad & Angie

Clearly I need help because I cannot stop giggling at these pictures. They are too funny. Hee hee! Someone decided to take pictures of celebrities and their children and switch the heads.

Seriously. Can't stop giggling. LOOK AT TOM CRUISE. Is it just me or do you kind of think he wishes Will Smith would carry him around like this?

And, I never realized how much Lourdes looks like Madonna. Nutso.

Fergie's awkward boob curtain

Here is a pic of Fergie and Georgio Armani (oh my goodness he's a tanned mofo) at some event. I am very happy to see that Fergie has dyed back her hair from that brunette mess that was making her look like this millenium's Elvira. It was just too harsh and made her already harsh meth-face features look evil.

Anyhoo, back to her awkward boob curtain dress thing. I don't get it. It's so wiiiide. Does it need to be that wide? It's ridiculous a bit. And it's all crooked like she accidentally propped it up on her bigger boob. I'm a little concerned about what might happen when she sits, because her bum is definitely going to touch her seat. Ew. I hate when that potentially happens.

Like, I really don't get how people eat in their bathing suits. Ugh. Imagine all the bacteria crawling into your nether regions. Or don't, because you may go get a pair of anti-bacterial plastic pants to wear permanently.

Ugh.

Michael K at DListed is brilliant

If you don't already read DListed, please start. The guy is so funny that he makes me burst out laughing at my desk. The past few days he's been seriously on, including this post about Victoria Beckham.

The content itself is funny, but the thing that got me was 'DAMN TO THE FUCK'. I mean, come on! That made me cry I was laughing so hard.

I'm just warning you all, I will be using that expression.

Please give MK some love. He's brilliant.

Russel Brand - please, someone, explain the appeal

I don't get it. I do not find a man in leggings attractive. Can someone please explain why this is ok? It freaks me out!

I realize it's mostly because he's famous that he always seems to have a hot girl with him, but still, he's wearing leggings. Yeesh.

And are they ruched? I'm going to barf, I'm pretty sure.

Is he hot? Gah! Please, someone explain it to me in the comments section.

Lindsay Lohan goes back to blonde...oh the horrors

That arsehole Lindsay Lohan (ugh, I am so mad) went back to blonde again for a role (OMG someone hired her) in 'Machete'.

It's gross. And it took 11 hours. That is not healthy.

This week Britney Spears also went back to blonde in another marathon salon visit of 9 hours. Yet both still manage to look gross. Ugh. They should give me their money, I would spend it so much more wisely than they do.

Here are some pics. Britney does actually look quite good, but the fact that she was out at a club and with Lindasy Lohan makes me worried for her future.

Mark Wahlberg got married

Mark Wahlberg finally pulled the plug on my relationship with his 1990's CK ad photos by marrying his baby-momma Rhea something. Well, I guess Wahlberg now. I hate her.

Ha ha, all kidding aside, I really like her dress. Had I not gotten married on the beach, my dress would most likely have been something like that...looks almost like my actual wedding dress, just beady.

Cute that the kids were involved.

How much you want to bet that he CRIED like the pussy he is during the entire thing?

Mischa = icky

This is icky.

So, after spending a few days in the hospital under a mandatory psychiatric evaluation, Mischa Barton has rushed (with fresh rehab bloat) to NYC to start filming her new CW show.

A friend reported recently that her detox is causing her a wicked case of the paranoids and she's been blathering on about a stalker or something else ridiculous.

Anyhoo, here she is in a truly horrific dress...with a giant wet spot on her butt. Like, what is that from? Gross. Think it's from sitting on the bathroom floor while she snorted lines off the toilet seat?

I'm just asking!

Now THIS is a religion I can believe in...

Ok, not really, because my skin starts bubbling when I even pretend to think of god, but I think this is f-ing hilarious!

A website called 'Shiantology' has come into popularity because they've featured a bunch of hilariously Photoshopped images like the ones above.

I think it's really funny, but I'd be more likely to prescribe to a religion that has this shirtless picture...

I'm just saying!