MTV Music Video Awards - My thoughts

As we all know, awards shows are AWESOME. Mostly because A LOT of people show up trying to look good, but also because things happen that most censors can't catch. Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened at these awards...aside from Russel Brand being kind of douchey, but they were still fun.

Let's take a look at the things people wore on the red carpet and then scenes from the show itself.

Love it.


Rihanna:
Um. I'm not sure about that weird blonde sheep curl. It's bothering me. And it's like she carried the look down to her feet, where her ugly white shoes are a virtual bleached out sheep curl. I don't have anything against mismatched footwear, in fact, I love that, but these shoes aren't just mismatched, they just don't go. Pink would have been better.



Christina Aguilera:
What in holy hell is with her underboob? Is that the scar from her implant? Tell it I hate it. Please. You'll see more later, but her performance was kind of frightening and her pants were horrifying. She took that eye make-up a step (or 7) further for the performance and it was already pretty bad. Not to mention the bangs. Damn woman. Damn.


Pink:
I wish I had thought to wear a recycled circus tent to my last event. That's so current and environmental. Underline 'mental'. Seriously. this girl is beautiful and has such fun, funky hair. Why can't she wear something that doesn't overtake her entire figure?


Katy Perry:
I had never heard 'I Kissed A Girl' before last night. I listen to talk radio, it makes me feel smarter, and my ears bleed less than if I listened to crappy mainstream radio. Over the course of the evening I heard clips of the song about 94 times. I now hate it. Almost as much as I hate the fact that this girl is wearing a retro bathing suit as a clothing item ON A RED CARPET. WTF is wrong with her? Someone get this girl a skirt or some slacks, stat.



The Jonas Brothers & Taylor Swift:
I don't care for this bitch's prissy face...and she looks kind of like a mix between Laura Prepon and Renee Zellwegger. Ew. I have also never heard anything the Jonas Brothers sing (ha ha, I'm so old!) and I don't care to. The smarmy one on the end is giving me the heebie jeebies. Does he have foundation on his lips?



Bill & Tom Kaulitz & the rest of Tokio Hotel:
So, I thought that Bill Kaulitz was a woman. You can't blame me, with that bone structure and the eye make-up. Wow, that is really not good. Where are they from? Anyone? I find that Bill (only Bill) is leaning toward the douchey side of alternative. Like, in a Kat Von D kind of way. Yes, yes, I know, Kat Von D is fantastic. I saw the comments. Chill.

Miley Cyrus:
Can we do something about her mouth? Like punch her in it? Ha ha, just kidding, of course. I wouldn't beat up a minor (again). Ok, I totally would slap her though. She needs some kind of gum surgery to fix those things. Or stitch her lips to her teeth or something. Too much mouth! Also, too much money, but that's just jealousy talking.



The Skank Extraordinaire - Lindsay Lohan:
I'm not loving this look...I find the waves to be a bit much and the outfit a little too 'forced sophistocated' but, I'm glad she's there and I love her voice. She presented. Fantastic. And she made Ciara look like a transvestite giant. Hee hee.


The Pussycat Dolls:
These girls...the ONE time they don't dress like insane whores and they're on a red carpet. At least we can make fun of Leisure Suit Larry on the end there...wow. Someone take her to a tailor to get her business taken care of. Damn that fits poorly. We can also mention that Spikey McWhiteBlonde is pretty much wearing a top (or as I called it "a vagina curtain"). And Nicole's dress is WAAAAY too much. Jesus. Chill bitch.


Pete Wentz:
I'm going to add this douche to the bane list, because I can't take him anymore. He had some super annoying segment with his wife, Asslee, and they just giggled through the whole thing. I have never wanted to burst through my television more and strangle someone over their gigantic collar. Gahhh!


Keri Hilson:
Yes, I know, I said "who?" also. I'm too lazy to look her up, but I just want everyone to know that I hate her. That dress is horrible, her hair is horrible and I don't care how much those damn shoes cost, they're also horrible. Who is she???


Perez Hilton:
This guy drives me batty. Partially from jealousy that I don't have his money or fame, but mostly because he is horrible to look at, read and listen to. Speaking of being horrible to look at - WTF kind of suit is that? Oh my god.


The Ting Tings:
I enjoyed the 14 seconds they played of a song. I like her knock-kneed 'I don't give a crap' stance, and I like the name of their band, because I like that Jamaican soda. Yum.


Brooke Hogan:
She looks so much like her mother here. It's super creepy. That is not the most horrible thing I've ever seen her wear, but it does lead me to this aside: why are clutches popular? I love how they look, but am so scatterbrained that they're not really that practical for me. I need a strap. Just like she straps in her penie! Hee hee.


T-Pain:
I wish this guy didn't steal the looks of 1980's Michael Jackson and Funkadelic's George Clinton all at once. It's not good. Oh, and the teeth of a banana peel. WTF?


Nicky Hilton:
Needs to eat a sandwich. Period. Damn she's thin.

And now, the show:


Britney and Jonah Hill opened up. He did his regular pushy guy thing that's still very funny and tried to kiss her. She looked cute and was cute.


Speaking of cute, here she is being that. Right after this was taken she planted a microphone basically IN her mouth and blocked her whole face. But still. She was cute and you could tell she was nervous. She introduced Rihanna singing 'Disturbia'.


Here's Rihanna (and two crazy looking ladies) while singing 'Disturbia' to open the show. She came in "wearing" some weird hill sized skirt with a dude in the bottom. It was odd. These ladies are odd. The unflattering appearance of her thighs in that costume is odd too.


Speaking of odd...Russel Brand. I thought I liked him...I saw him do his stand-up here in Montreal and he was pretty funny...a little pervy, but it was almost 2am, so it was ok. He was kind of annoying last night. Really loud and fast-paced and just generally irritating. Like a rash. With an English accent.


Britney won the first award: Best Female Pop or something. Speech was cute. She looked hot.


Here are the Jonas brothers singing on what looked like the set of Sesame Street (it wasn't, see below for comparison), but it really looked like it. I didn't listen. I pressed mute.



I seriously kept expecting Big Bird to come across the front and whine in his annoying voice. Or for Gordon & Susan to show up and tell them about counting or some shit.


McLovin' (don't know or care what his real name is) and Slipknot: He was pretending to be wasted and it was fun. Slipknot scares me a bit, but it was interesting it wasn't just pop people there.


Katy Perry wearing a 1920's pin-up girl bathing suit and butchering 'Like A Virgin'


Asslee and Pete Wentz enciting my murderous rage talking about voting for stuff. "One for me, one for the baby, one for me, one for the baby!"

Jordin Sparks getting all uppity about some promise ring joke Russel Brand made. My friend made an excellent point that she often looks terrible for such a beautiful, voluptuous girl. John Legend is cute. I want to hug him.


Scary tranny lady waves around her gunt and shows way too much eyemake-up and freakiness.
Could these pants be worse and less flattering? She obviously didn't look in a mirror before going on stage...

Trying to be Batman, with a gunt.


L'il Wayne wears his 2nd or 3rd pair of below ass pants while performing with the refreshingly ghetto Kid Rock. I don't understand the point of wearing slim cut jeans below your ass like that...is he trying to make us think that there's no way his sack or ass would fit in the pants? GET BIGGER PANTS. Gaahhhh.


Britney and Russel drive off into the darkness at the end of the show. Awesome. So glad I lost sleep to watch that.

See what I mean? Uneventful.