The Emmy's

Sorry that I'm a few days late. I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and I've been high as a kite for a couple of days. Yay for me! Unfortunately, I have now become used to the drugs and am no longer high...just swollen and bitter. Boo.

(Update: After having written a couple captions, I realize that the drugs are definitely messing with my ability to concentrate...this may or may not be amusing and I apologize in advance)

Let's take it out on some of the Emmy-night fools, shall we?

America Ferrera:
I fell asleep while looking at this photo. It's so blah. The hair is kind of half pin-curled, the dress is kind of half-nice...the shoes are very 2002. I don't like it. Boo.

Brooke Shields:
There is no denying this woman is attractive. In all seriousness, she looks fab and there's nothing else for me to say about that. The dress reminds me of raspberry sorbet, or lipstick (is it a reference to her show, 'Lipstick Jungle'?) and it's a little overly poufy and exaggerated, but her skin is glowing, her hair is long and beautiful and her teeth are apparently nice under her weird half-smile. She's perty.


Christina Applegate:
I like me some CA. She's awesome. She just went through a serious ordeal with her breast cancer and here she is, boldly wearing curtains as if she doesn't care! Just kidding, it's a very lovely dress, but that fabric is something else, isn't it? I like that the photographer also took such care to make sure the entire train is in the photo.


Christina Hendricks:
I've never seen this woman before, but I couldn't not put her in here because of those unbelievable breasts of hers! Those are HUGE. Wow. I don't get how she's holding those up. Does she have some kind of pulley system installed in that dress that we're not seeing? In other news, she's very fresh and pretty and I'm happy to see one more redhead on the red carpet who doesn't paint themselves Oompa Loompa orange just to fit in.


Cynthia Nixon:
Did someone leave a gum wrapper at her feet? Why is that all I can concentrate on? That dress is quite lovely, but it's falling a bit and it makes her boobs look really low. A strap wouldn't have killed her. Why am I obsessed with boobs today? Is it because my cheeks look like boobs?

Debra Messing:
That hair! Oh god I miss that hair! It was such a delight drooling over that hair every week. I'm so happy to see that it still lookds great, even if her new movie, 'The Women' doesn't look so fantastic. Meg Ryan really needs to stop doing stuff to her face. Seriously. I like this dress, it's chic, simple and season-appropriate, unlike some of these summery messes (ahem Teri Hatcher).

Emilie de Ravin:
I never liked her chracter on 'Lost'. I found her whiny, mean to Charlie and I really hated when she suddenly got bangs in season 3 and no one said anything. Is there a secret hair salon on the island we don't know about? Why not just say, "Oh Claire! You cut yourself bangs! What a great way to make yourself feel better while we're stuck on this freaky time-warp thingy."

Anyhoo, I don't like this dress. It's a little too Grecian. It went past the point of being cute and themed to being campy and overdone. Halloween costumey. Boo.


Eva Longoria-Parker & Tony Parker:
I find this guy really creepy looing. I honestly don't think I'd ever seen him before their interview with Ryan Seacrest the other night. He looks like a rapist! I could totally see him driving one of those late 70's vans with the tinted windows. Yuck.

Now, Eva. We need to have a chat. You look gross. You look like you smeared Crisco in your hair and combed it and ran out the door. You also look like my drunk uncle who used to dress up in the wrapping paper at Christmas. He traumatized all of us. Mind you, he was a little more tasteful with his blush application...


Evangeline Lilly:
LOVE IT. She has unbelievable skin and a great body (if not a little square in the torso area for my taste) and this is a gorgeous dress on her. It would make me look like one of the caucasian skin-colored crayons from the Crayola box, but with her hair and complexion - Gorgeous. The cuts, the triangles, the light fringe, the shimmer. All good.


Hayden Pannetiere & Jennifer Love Hewitt:
I don't know whose idea it was to put these two on the stage at the same time, but it made me want to claw my eyes out. They're already so obnoxiously chipper separately. Put them together and they're like Pop-Rocks & Coke: a lethal combination (ha ha, imagine?)

Whoever did J-Love's hair should be shot, because it looks like someone styled it with a lawnmower. And that dress! Oh my god. That's a reject from the Barbie evening collection.

Hayden was so awkward and when it was time for her lines she practically ate the microphone. Awesome. Also, the long bangs on one side. I totally had that hair in 1988 when I played bum's up on the side of the school with the boys.

That isn't as dirty as it sounds, it was a game involving bouncing a tennis ball on a wall. Or something. I don't really remember, I was busy flirting.


Heidi Klum:
Is it just me or does it look like she's about to tip over in that thing? The weird layers are making her so off kilter. It's making me concerned for her. She's perty though. It's too bad those 5 hosts were so bad. I wanted to die that beginning sequence was so awkward.


Jenna Fischer:
I don't know where they got this girl, but I find her refreshingly awkward. Like she doesn't know what to do at these events, what to wear or how to act. It's like they plucked her straight from real life and made her an actress against her will. Even her posing is terrible.

The dress is pretty terrible too, now that I mention it. It looks like it's a size too big and it's just sitting on her body. Colors are pretty, but it's just not goot.


Jennifer Carpenter:
If you don't watch 'Dexter' already, do. This woman is actually the worst part, with her wonky faces and whiny character, but it's a damn good show. She looks really good here. It's too bad her character makes me want to pull out my eyes and throw them at the TV.


Julia Louis-Dreyfuss:
Err...The color is lovely, but the cut is so odd, I don't know what to say. It's just so unecessary. Why do you need a diamond cut-out to force loose skin through? She has a really tight body, but that thing is in the ultimate worst possible spot...yucka.


Julie Benz:
Oh my god. I barely recognized her. She's on 'Dexter' too, but normally they muck her up and make her look like the below photo. She is positively glorious! I think I am in love! When they started putting more make-up on her in season 2, I got a glimpse of this, but I'm flabbergasted! The dress is PERFECT, her hair is pretty and her make-up! Oh my god! I am in love. Ooh, also, I want those earrings.



Kate Walsh:
This looks like someone sewed 2 flapper dresses together in some unholy mess. I hate it. It makes her waist look really tiny, but that doesn't un-ugify it. Geez. Her hair could use some style too...it's looking Eva-Criscoria'd. Yuck.


Kathleen Robertson:
Um, where did those ta-ta's come from? They look like bum cleavage! Even she looks mildly shocked about her sudden cleavage. Or maybe she just saw a mirror and noticed her hideous pink dress. Either or.


Lauren Conrad:
So she was so flattered to design the award's girls' dresses. Oh my god! I bet she cried. I don't watch 'The Hills' but enough people around me do to make me dislike it. Not as much as I disliked her hair though. WTF is going on there? It's like actual birds made a nest in it!

And did you see her part with David Borneaz from (as Heidi Klum put it) 'The Bones'? They were so bored and lacking any energy. Wow. It was bad.


Lisa Rinna:
This woman's body is to die for. It's just on the softer side of Madonna's, so to me, it's perfect. But her face! Good lord her face! It's so freaked out! And that haircut. Oh my god. Remember how perfect she was when she was Billie on 'Days of Our Lives'? Those were the days...

I don't like her dress. It looks like it's from Winsor Fashions. Yikes.


Marcia Cross:
We get it, you're elegant. Now put away that weird puke-beige tu-tu and put on a real dress. I would kill for that bone structure though...damn!


Mariska Hargitay:
Is it just me or is she standing like a trucker? She manages to look burly in a fluttery, yellow dress. Or maybe I'm just seeing Big Bird, because of the color. Damn, I miss 'Sesame Street', that was a great show.

I enjoy this dress, I just wish it wasn't in this yellow color, because I really feel like it's unseasonal and offensive to my retinas. Oy, speaking of which...


Mary-Louise Parker:
This one keeps getting nude on 'Weeds'. I wonder if that's why my hubby keeps suggesting we watch it...Honestly, who cares. I love that she's not tanned. Her skin is very beautiful and porcelain. I also love that she looks totally uncomfortable with the situation, like she doesn't want to be there. OR maybe she realized that her dress is totally fug, the color is ghetto and it looks like she snagged it at the JC Penney blowout sale. What do you think?


Melora Hardin:
Not so much to say here - I think this might be the least ugly thing I've ever seen her in. And that's saying a lot. That's some hairpiece though. What's going on up there?


Nancy O'Dell:
Um, did someone get their boobs done after the baby? Because that's some weirdo cleavage going on there. I actually totally love the dress, I'm attracted to Grecian looking things when they're not overdone (ahem Emilie de Ravin)...but those boobs. My. They're aerodynamic. I want her hair.


Nicolette Sheridan:
While I will give her points for an perfectly fall color, I will immediately take away points for the following: 1) not going out with Michael Bolton anymore, 2) looking like she had her hair done on the spinning brush infomercial and 3) looking like a blazing tranny! She's scary! The dress is also a bit too voluminous. Take it down a notch Nicky. And Get MB back. He rocks a tux.


Olivia Wilde:
I only know this woman from one thing: The OC. And she had that crazy ass hair. I briefly tried to do that crazy ass hair and then realized that I was A) not on TV and B) not an idiot. B took me a little longer to get too...This dress belongs on a Disney Princess somewhere, not at the Emmy's. Dial it down a bit, you're on 'House' not some glamourous princess show (which I now want to watch, BTW).

Shaun Robinson:
"Wait! Let me hold out my dress 4 inches! It will make it look better!" Oops! Wrong Shauny! I don't care for her asymmetric hair, or her Brooke-Shields-esque dress color without having the beauty or stature of BS. Ha ha. BS. I will take her body though. Wicked Bod. And smile.

Teri Hatcher:
It hurts me to compliment Teri Hatcher anytime after 'Lois & Clark' because I don't feel like she deserves it, but this dress is unbelievably stunning. It's perfect. I love it. Ok, it's not perfect, because the color is wrong, but the ruffles, the tiers, the bust, wow! In a royal blue - that would have been perfect.


Tina Fey:
I love me some Tina Fey. I was really hoping 'Flight of the Conchords' would win one award and she won it instead. I was ok with it, only because it's her. Can we discuss her gorgeous figure? She looks amazing! There was some weird problem with her bangs, but I can deal with it. She's just so funny! Love her. Love '30 Rock'. Love Alec Baldwin. Love.


Vanessa Williams:
She's scary looking. Right? It's not just my pain medication? I actually don't mind the dress - except for that beaded strap thing, but all those clips from 'Ugly Betty' scared me. That red lipstick they keep putting on her is so not flattering. She's such a stunning woman. Here she looks better. But I don't want to watch that show. Oh no. No scary lady with red lips is going to yell at me.


Thanks to Egotastic for the pics!

Jennifer Aniston flashes her muff

I love Jennifer Aniston... I never expected to see her muff (through transparent panties) in an upskirt.

I think I might be a little freaked out.

You can click on the photo for more of a close-up.

Yup. I'm freaked out.

MTV Music Video Awards - My thoughts

As we all know, awards shows are AWESOME. Mostly because A LOT of people show up trying to look good, but also because things happen that most censors can't catch. Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened at these awards...aside from Russel Brand being kind of douchey, but they were still fun.

Let's take a look at the things people wore on the red carpet and then scenes from the show itself.

Love it.


Rihanna:
Um. I'm not sure about that weird blonde sheep curl. It's bothering me. And it's like she carried the look down to her feet, where her ugly white shoes are a virtual bleached out sheep curl. I don't have anything against mismatched footwear, in fact, I love that, but these shoes aren't just mismatched, they just don't go. Pink would have been better.



Christina Aguilera:
What in holy hell is with her underboob? Is that the scar from her implant? Tell it I hate it. Please. You'll see more later, but her performance was kind of frightening and her pants were horrifying. She took that eye make-up a step (or 7) further for the performance and it was already pretty bad. Not to mention the bangs. Damn woman. Damn.


Pink:
I wish I had thought to wear a recycled circus tent to my last event. That's so current and environmental. Underline 'mental'. Seriously. this girl is beautiful and has such fun, funky hair. Why can't she wear something that doesn't overtake her entire figure?


Katy Perry:
I had never heard 'I Kissed A Girl' before last night. I listen to talk radio, it makes me feel smarter, and my ears bleed less than if I listened to crappy mainstream radio. Over the course of the evening I heard clips of the song about 94 times. I now hate it. Almost as much as I hate the fact that this girl is wearing a retro bathing suit as a clothing item ON A RED CARPET. WTF is wrong with her? Someone get this girl a skirt or some slacks, stat.



The Jonas Brothers & Taylor Swift:
I don't care for this bitch's prissy face...and she looks kind of like a mix between Laura Prepon and Renee Zellwegger. Ew. I have also never heard anything the Jonas Brothers sing (ha ha, I'm so old!) and I don't care to. The smarmy one on the end is giving me the heebie jeebies. Does he have foundation on his lips?



Bill & Tom Kaulitz & the rest of Tokio Hotel:
So, I thought that Bill Kaulitz was a woman. You can't blame me, with that bone structure and the eye make-up. Wow, that is really not good. Where are they from? Anyone? I find that Bill (only Bill) is leaning toward the douchey side of alternative. Like, in a Kat Von D kind of way. Yes, yes, I know, Kat Von D is fantastic. I saw the comments. Chill.

Miley Cyrus:
Can we do something about her mouth? Like punch her in it? Ha ha, just kidding, of course. I wouldn't beat up a minor (again). Ok, I totally would slap her though. She needs some kind of gum surgery to fix those things. Or stitch her lips to her teeth or something. Too much mouth! Also, too much money, but that's just jealousy talking.



The Skank Extraordinaire - Lindsay Lohan:
I'm not loving this look...I find the waves to be a bit much and the outfit a little too 'forced sophistocated' but, I'm glad she's there and I love her voice. She presented. Fantastic. And she made Ciara look like a transvestite giant. Hee hee.


The Pussycat Dolls:
These girls...the ONE time they don't dress like insane whores and they're on a red carpet. At least we can make fun of Leisure Suit Larry on the end there...wow. Someone take her to a tailor to get her business taken care of. Damn that fits poorly. We can also mention that Spikey McWhiteBlonde is pretty much wearing a top (or as I called it "a vagina curtain"). And Nicole's dress is WAAAAY too much. Jesus. Chill bitch.


Pete Wentz:
I'm going to add this douche to the bane list, because I can't take him anymore. He had some super annoying segment with his wife, Asslee, and they just giggled through the whole thing. I have never wanted to burst through my television more and strangle someone over their gigantic collar. Gahhh!


Keri Hilson:
Yes, I know, I said "who?" also. I'm too lazy to look her up, but I just want everyone to know that I hate her. That dress is horrible, her hair is horrible and I don't care how much those damn shoes cost, they're also horrible. Who is she???


Perez Hilton:
This guy drives me batty. Partially from jealousy that I don't have his money or fame, but mostly because he is horrible to look at, read and listen to. Speaking of being horrible to look at - WTF kind of suit is that? Oh my god.


The Ting Tings:
I enjoyed the 14 seconds they played of a song. I like her knock-kneed 'I don't give a crap' stance, and I like the name of their band, because I like that Jamaican soda. Yum.


Brooke Hogan:
She looks so much like her mother here. It's super creepy. That is not the most horrible thing I've ever seen her wear, but it does lead me to this aside: why are clutches popular? I love how they look, but am so scatterbrained that they're not really that practical for me. I need a strap. Just like she straps in her penie! Hee hee.


T-Pain:
I wish this guy didn't steal the looks of 1980's Michael Jackson and Funkadelic's George Clinton all at once. It's not good. Oh, and the teeth of a banana peel. WTF?


Nicky Hilton:
Needs to eat a sandwich. Period. Damn she's thin.

And now, the show:


Britney and Jonah Hill opened up. He did his regular pushy guy thing that's still very funny and tried to kiss her. She looked cute and was cute.


Speaking of cute, here she is being that. Right after this was taken she planted a microphone basically IN her mouth and blocked her whole face. But still. She was cute and you could tell she was nervous. She introduced Rihanna singing 'Disturbia'.


Here's Rihanna (and two crazy looking ladies) while singing 'Disturbia' to open the show. She came in "wearing" some weird hill sized skirt with a dude in the bottom. It was odd. These ladies are odd. The unflattering appearance of her thighs in that costume is odd too.


Speaking of odd...Russel Brand. I thought I liked him...I saw him do his stand-up here in Montreal and he was pretty funny...a little pervy, but it was almost 2am, so it was ok. He was kind of annoying last night. Really loud and fast-paced and just generally irritating. Like a rash. With an English accent.


Britney won the first award: Best Female Pop or something. Speech was cute. She looked hot.


Here are the Jonas brothers singing on what looked like the set of Sesame Street (it wasn't, see below for comparison), but it really looked like it. I didn't listen. I pressed mute.



I seriously kept expecting Big Bird to come across the front and whine in his annoying voice. Or for Gordon & Susan to show up and tell them about counting or some shit.


McLovin' (don't know or care what his real name is) and Slipknot: He was pretending to be wasted and it was fun. Slipknot scares me a bit, but it was interesting it wasn't just pop people there.


Katy Perry wearing a 1920's pin-up girl bathing suit and butchering 'Like A Virgin'


Asslee and Pete Wentz enciting my murderous rage talking about voting for stuff. "One for me, one for the baby, one for me, one for the baby!"

Jordin Sparks getting all uppity about some promise ring joke Russel Brand made. My friend made an excellent point that she often looks terrible for such a beautiful, voluptuous girl. John Legend is cute. I want to hug him.


Scary tranny lady waves around her gunt and shows way too much eyemake-up and freakiness.
Could these pants be worse and less flattering? She obviously didn't look in a mirror before going on stage...

Trying to be Batman, with a gunt.


L'il Wayne wears his 2nd or 3rd pair of below ass pants while performing with the refreshingly ghetto Kid Rock. I don't understand the point of wearing slim cut jeans below your ass like that...is he trying to make us think that there's no way his sack or ass would fit in the pants? GET BIGGER PANTS. Gaahhhh.


Britney and Russel drive off into the darkness at the end of the show. Awesome. So glad I lost sleep to watch that.

See what I mean? Uneventful.