Skinny pants - rules

I hate skinny jeans. They're gross. They make almost everyone look dumpy and heavy in the thigh/hip area. For some reason, the fashion victims in my building are all over them this season. I die a little inside everytime I see someone wearing some.

These are the only women who look good in skinny pants:

THEY ARE SUPERMODELS - human anomalies! Everyone else, stop wearing them or be prepared for me to beat you to death with the shovel in my trunk.