The 2015 Oscars Red Carpet

Guys, it was HORRIFICALLY boring. Like, the worst. And so painful watching E Online. I've never wanted to kill myself more than this night.

Let's look at this more carefully. But if I were to summarize:

• 2015 will be the year of the earring. Mark my words.
• Nude/Blush everywhere

America Ferrera:
A lot of people are doing this slicked down top,fluffed out bottom on their hair. It's awful. And I get it, because most of the awards shows have been during rainy days, but it's not great.

The chest on this dress is so matronly. Like it could have been sexier. Because the color is amazing and the ombre is really beautiful, but the cut ruins it.

Anna Kendrick:
Sooo, Khloe Kardashian really hated this. I don't really hate this, but I don't love it. Good for her and having that body, but she's in her 20's,so no big feat. I mean, the color is tacky, but it works. Ish.

Anna Wintour:
Way to slouch it up Anna. Why is she invited? I'm not super impressed with this. I'm sure it's spot on, fashion-wise, but it's not doing it for me.

Anna Faris:
I feel like she has Taylor Swift syndrome. Like, pretty, glittery blonde effect. This is way too Disney princess for me.

Behati Prinsloo:
We were so obsessed with her anal bead necklace that we didn't notice that her neck is the baby of Sarah Paulson's dress from last year (image here). Weird no?

Benedict Cumberbatch:
Well, he looks standard, but she looks AMAZING. Like,she's looking really great for someone this pregnant. I love this dress.

Cate Blanchett:
The consensus was that this is boring. I mean, I agree. The necklace is very pretty, but the rest is so meh that I can't really approve.

Cheryl Hines:
Why is she invited? This is not flattering to her body. And she barely tried with her hair. Like, at least put some effort in.

Chloe Grace Moretz:
She didn't always have a middle name,right? Ugh, I really hate her. And this dress. And her posture. And I want to punch her, a lot.

Chrissy Teigen:
Vag flash.
That is all.

Dakota Johnson:
SO DULL. Just stop trying to talk.We realize you are dumb like a door and none of us want to hear you try to be spontaneous.

Despite this being Saint Laurent, I hate this.

Emma Stone:
Well, this is horrific. And looks itchy. And she needs to gain a little bit of weight. No. I don't like this. This could have been a lot better in another color.

Faith Hill:
She looked so confused and hungry all the time tonight. This dress is great and the necklace too.

Felicity Jones:
This dress is tragic. Alexander McQueen is beautiful, but not always. Turtlenecks are not ok. Especially with bangs.

Gina Rodriguez:
I mean, she’s adorable and all. But there is something about this that is fundamentally  ill-fitting. And while the color was very refreshing, the length is a little too short, the top doesn't fit…it’s just not working.

Gwyneth Paltrow:

If not for that flower…it would have been pretty great. But the flower makes it obnoxious. Because she is obnoxious. Imagine it without it though, sublime. It fits her like a dream. I don’t love the hair situation, it looks slicked and then dry again. What is that? I hate this trend. Her earrings are great though. Massive, and probably painful, but great.

Jamie Chung:

This is really very pretty. I like the fireworks look, the nude mesh up top is done really well, the black mesh on the bottom is also done well. I would say her hair is underdone and she could use a bracelet, but overall this is good.

Jennifer Lopez:

This dress is epic. She’s so damn dramatic. And she sat next to Meryl Streep. Like, who set up that seating plan? I’m kind of not into this because the color is so odd, and more because it matches her skin color so well, but she really tried hard to be a real actress. If only she could act.

Jennifer Aniston:

One of many nudes and beiges of the night.I feel like the bottom portion is sheer and I can maybe see a bit too much of her thighs. It’s pretty, but it’s very Jennifer Aniston and it’s nothing very special. Like, wouldn’t you love to see her do something else with her hair?

Jennifer Hudson:
So punchable. There is something about that haircut that makes me dislike her.  I actually adore the dress, it’s well cut, the color is springy and unexpected, and she accessorized really well, but that face surrounded by that hair cut…I can’t.

Jessica Chastain:

This was so unfortunate and so unflattering. From someone who normally has major game, to wear something that Helen Mirren would normally wear…just very disappointing. And the hair is such a half-assed attempt. This is no good to me.

Julianne Moore:

As soon as we saw her, I said, “oh no, she’s going to win an Oscar in that mess.” It’s really not good. From the drop waist that makes her look wide to the eyeball rosettes that look like they were made in a halloween-themed child’s craft time…it’s just not great.

Karolina Kurkova:

Another blush/nude dress. This is a lot of dress for someone who wasn’t presenting or really doing anything from what I can tell. And as I said yesterday, a bit of a butterface, no?

Keira Knightly:

Blush/nude. This one with writing and floral embroideries. When I first saw it, I got the impression it was something a nymph would wear in a field while birthing out her nymphlings. But on 2^nd look, I don’t hate it at all. It’s pretty. And it seems well suited for her.

Kelly Osbourne:

She is so insufferable. SO insufferable. She and Ross barely get any screen time, because they are clearly idiots, and it makes sense. There is no need to have her and her often strong and incorrect opinions on screen too long. She ran down Hollywood blvd in the rain in this dress, I wish she had kept running…

Kelly Ripa:

Wearing a pretty great Christian Siriano. This guy is really proving himself to be kind of a genius. His dresses are always understated, well cut and also a little bit fun. I like how she’s wearing it too, a little casual. It’s good. I like it.

Kerry Washington:

This is meh. Nothing very exciting. Yes another one of the blush/nude dresses of the night. That was certainly the look. She was definitely having fun though. Every interview she was chatty and amused. That was nice. And I do like the texture at the bottom…I don’t know.

Lady Gaga:

Just oh my god why? It’s so bad. And there was sideboob. And the gloves. It’s all very tragic. She could have just taken it down a notch and showed up in something classy…and I get that it was a custom Alaia, but it is so bad. I hear her performance was amazing though, so…

Laura Dern:

She so often fails HARD at these attempts. Wears something that makes her look like the den mother from a cult or something where the shape is really mental…this is a very rare win for her. And I’m so happy with it. We were obsessed with it, and her hair. Like, so good.

Lorelai Linklater:

She is Richard Linklater’s daughter and she looked mega bored to be there. Apparently after going through the experience of filming ‘Boyhood’ she realised that she doesn’t want to be an actress anymore. Yes, my dear, that is evident from your scowl. I actually really like this dress though. Wouldn’t have been terrible on Gaga…

Lupita N’Yongo:

This was very beautiful. And it looked heavy.It was a custom Calvin Klein by Fransisco Costa, and it was really beautiful. The pearls and the beading were so elegant and well done and the cuts were really beautiful. The beading is so out of character for him to design, he’s normally so clean. But this was great.

Margot Robbie:

I love this. Like, LOVE this. It’s a 70’s fondue party come to life. And that necklace was perfect with it. This is a perfect gown for someone who’s just going to the event, not really doing anything but being a part of it.

Marion Cotillard:

This made me sad. It wasn’t really that great from the front, and it was worse from the back. She normally does so well. It’s too bad this was so weird. Though, I won’t lie, her interview was one of my favourites because she can barely contain her contempt for the stupid US media.

Melanie Griffith:

Aww, she came as Dakota Fanning’s date. Aww, she forgot to teach our daughter how to string a few sentences together. She looks vaguely like Morticia Adams in this, and her face is a nightmare, but what are you gonna do?

Meryl Streep:

She was Meryl Streep about it. Sleek, cool, mature. She looked great. So comfortable and happy.

Apologies for the weird picture.

Naomi Watts:

Oh! I just got so happy seeing this. It was so amazing. I will try to find a rear view, because that was the best part. It’s really, really good. She looked great.

Nicole Kidman:

This was really weird. The color is weird, the belt is weird. Her demeanour was weird. It was very odd overall and we were not in love with it at all. She has done better and could do better.

Oprah:

Her hair is getting super long. And another nude. I feel like she has worn this dress in 5 other colors. Like definitely in blue before, maybe even in a redish color. Meh.

Patricia Arquette:

Her hair. Oh my god. There was an interview with her right before the show started in the auditorium and her hair looked crazy. She looked like she had been put in a pillowcase right before and it got crazier and crazier through the night. When she won, it was a nut bag. And the lady riot she incited. Woah.

Reese Witherspoon:

Another one with the slicked down, puffed out hair. Do we have to get on board with this? Because I don’t want to. This dress is not her best effort. I’m not sure the horizontal stripes are doing her any favors.

Renee Russo:

I like this. I like it because it is quiet but has interesting detail. And I like how she wore it. It looks cool with her hair relaxed like that and her arm bands, etc. She looks good.

Rita Ora:

This is really dramatic. And apparently she was weird when she presented. She’s a bit of a weird bird, no? I don’t know. This looks like something Sofia Vergara would wear. And it’s not that she doesn’t look good in it, she does, I am just not excited by it.

Rosamund Pike:

I said it last night, and I’ll say it again, this is one of the best red dresses I have ever seen. The lace really makes it amazing. It looked so much better in movement and on video than it does in this image. In this image I kind of hate those side panels, but there is something being done by those flash bulbs that didn't look as contrasting on film. This is great.

Scarlett Johansson:

Look at her body! She JUST had a baby. It’s insane. This dress is amazing. She looks so good in it. And the earrings are super great. The necklace is a step too far. And I get it. She wanted to be dramatic and make a statement. This is a bit too much of a statement. Picture it without it. Great.

Sienna Miller:

This girl is crazy beautiful. Like, it’s a bit too much. But my god was the rest of her a disaster. Her hair looked like post-workout hair, though she probably won the humidity game…and the dress is just boring. The black is striking, for sure, and the cut is nice, but those bows are kind of a mess. And the bottom is just weird. It’s overall kind of weird.

Solange Knowles:

Ugh. A turtleneck? And she looks way too happy about it. You don’t always have to be edgy and weird. Sometimes you can just try to look nice. Oh, what’s that? No? You can’t? Ugh. Fine.

Zoe Saldana:

She looked SO good. And so much better with an actual human body and not her usual super thin, super lean thing. She’s just a tiny bit fuller and she looks so gorgeous. Glowy and a little fleshy, and despite that dress being kind of weird, it works. They kept saying that they wished it had been strapless, but I like this. It’s more 90’s this way. She looks very pretty.