Oh Jessica. Oh.

Holy Man Hands Batman! Jessica Simpson looks horrible! Shocking (actually not at all)!

Please, come someone get her a girlfriend. Someone who will go shopping with her and tell her, "um, Jess, yah, it's a little tight. No, you really shouldn't need pliers to get your zipper closed."

Ashlee Simpson - WHAT IS YOUR ROLE?! We know you're not on Melrose Place anymore, so how 'bout you hook a sister up with some help. Christ.