Beyonce's Bob is Haunting Me

Its just that weaves seem a lot easier than a real head of hair.

I mean, I so want my hair to look like this, but I can't pull that off for quite a while because I just got a trim and I don't have those cool-ass long pieces in the front.

Look how great it looks curly. Ugh. I hate my hair.

The 2013 MTV VMA's

All anyone is talking about this morning is Miley. Miley, Miley, Miley.

She is ridiculous. That's for sure. And as my soul friend Lady V said, she is waiting for Paula Patton to knock her the eff out, because foam fingering my husband's dick would be a dangerous game. Paula Patton looks like she doesn't take shit.

Then bitch sulked off early because she didn't win any awards. Whatever. As far as I'm concerned she needs to hit a dentist, stat, to get her tongue scraped. It was GREY. That is not the right color for a tongue.

Ok, shall we do the photo wall?

Alicia Quarles:

She's an E correspondent, or something. I don't know why I'm such a dick, that is what she does.  Anyhoo, she's really pretty and I love what she's wearing. I also wish I could find a pair of nude heels that match my vampire-like skin tone.

Ciara:
Remember how I used to say she looked like a dude? I still feel like that. But, like a hot dude in drag. Like Cinderonce. Wouldn't you be paro wearing that dress? It's pretty crotch-tastic.

Ellie Goulding:
I'm sure if felt like un-muting my computer I could look up what this girl sings, but right now JT is replaying on my TV and there is so much puberty happening in my body that I can't. God I love him.

Oh, and she's cute. Whatever.

Ok, I stopped being an asshole and looked her up. I like her voice and that song she had this summer. Good for her. This dress is kind of great too..but what's with her feet? Are they massive?

Erin Wasson:
Well, let's be honest, if I had her body, I would probably dress like this too. I also wish I had her bone structure so that I could wear a turban like that.

She's really hot. Its kind of annoying.

Iggy Azalea:
I don't know who this is either, but her voice was the worst piece of garbage I have ever heard. OMG. I hope she doesn't sing like she talks.

Also, I find her face annoying. There is something really off with the fact that her hair matches her dress that much and then her eyebrows are super weird.

Jennifer Hudson:
God I wish pointy toed pumps weren't so effing uncomfortable. Because they look SO hot. I have to say though, I'm getting a little tired of JHud's posing game. She needs something new. Also, those bangs are getting tired.

Her skirt is amazeballs, but she's over accessorized (that comes from a jewelry addict) and I feel like she could have waited a few weeks to debut the houndstooth. I don't know. This is not a win for me.

Justin Timberlake: 

I really can't with how much I love him.

The performance was so amazing and it jacked me up SO HARD for the concert I'm going to in November here in Montreal.

And *NSync? Ok, fine, it was way too short. People have been kind of slagging the performance this morning because they got only a few minutes, but to be fair, JC was the only one who could keep up. Joey Fatone looked like he gained 30 lbs, though he was killing the moves...Lance couldn't keep up and Chris looked like a lemur dressing up as a person. It's ok.

Lainey from LaineyGossip said it best when she said that JT should stop with the acting and only do this. I've been saying it for years. He's TOO good at this. No more acting JT. Please.

JWoww:
Bitch, what are you wearing? Jesus.
It's not an Italian wedding in Long Island, its the MTV music video awards.

What a doof.

Katy Perry:
Ok, so this isn't her best pick ever. Those sandals make her feet look really bad, look how rectangular they are. And the fabric looks really thick. Also, she has a grill? WTF is going on?

Lady Gaga:
Most normal she's ever looked? Nahh, but it's pretty normal. Though everyone was saying you can see the wig tape.

To be fair during her performance she changed wigs ~4 times. And her final outfit was a mermaid-esque sea shell bikini with a thong. Which Kevin Hart couldn't stop talking about. Kept referring to her ass as 'yams'. It was pretty funny.

Oh well.

Lil Kim:
I know this is random, but all I can think of is how much I feel for her vag. It looks really trapped in that outfit. And that weave is a nightmare. This is kind of how I wished Snooki would have turned out. You'll see how she really did later.

Miley Cyrus:
Just stop. It's a lot. This hair...which she debuted earlier this weekend, is really effing bad. And then there is everything else she did.

There is something to say about being talented, and eve though we all love Britney and she took these awards every year, it wasn't becasue she was sensational, it was because she was amazing and the sensational was just part of the talent.

This is just spectacle and bratty effing off when she didn't win any awards. Tweeting the following:

What a brat.

If I were Paula Patton...

Crowd reaction:

Rihanna's face is killing me. She also slow clapped her at the end.

Let's find a little more positivity...no?

Richard Simmons:
Hummingbird leggings. There. I'm done. How amazing is he?

Rita Ora:
This is a lot of dress for someone who isn't really that relevant.
Ouch. That burned to type.

Robin Thicke:

Everyone was all "Beetlejuice" today...but I've started to kind of crush on him, so I can't find fault in something that junk-tastic. 

That is all.

Sammi & Ronnie:
They don't have mirrors, right? That's the thing?

Sarah Hyland:
My hubs and I were watching 'Modern Family' this weekend and we were talking about how big her eyes are. I feel like this dress is a little too much for her, she's so little. It also looks old.

Those shoes are amazing and super 70's. I need them.

Selena Gomez:
Selena's got steeze! This is magical. It's Atelier Versace. I really hope that she doesn't date JB again. He is an embarrassment to her and what she is becoming.

Snooki:
I was going to keep it short, but she looks so freakshow, that I almost cant. Look at her face. The thinification plus the horsey veneers create a mask effect that will haunt my nightmares.

And another one in their mom's mother of the bride dress. Like, why? Why is this what you think is appropriate to wear?

Taylor Swift:
First of all, they should only have a Taylor swift audience cam every year from now on. Her reactions are so unbelievably unfiltered and catty. I love it.

This dress and her look are super beautiful, they really are, but she ages herself so badly with this look. When I told my husband how old she was, he was flabbergasted. He thought she was way older. And it's how she dresses that does it.

Beautiful, obv. But older.
~~~~~~~~

Ok, that's it. It was pretty lame, all things said. Miley did the most interesting thing and that was really early in the night...the rest was kind of sleepy.

Oh, and needed more *NSync.

Cinderonce = Gold

First and foremost, Todrick Hall is a genius.

This is amazing.

Enjoy this 8 minutes of heaven: Cinderella to a Beyonce soundtrack. This needs to be on Broadway IMMEDIATELY.

PS - We all need Fairy Dragmothers.

Ben Affleck Is The Next Batman

You know how Ben Affleck is only kind of attractive? Well, they cast him as Batman...and now he's going to be on screen with HENRY CAVILL. Um. Really not a good idea.

All kidding aside, as a huge comic book fan, he'll probably do a really good job and the ageing Bruce Wayne/Batman.

Here is Warner Brother's Statement:

“We knew we needed an extraordinary actor to take on one of DC Comics’ most enduringly popular super heroes, and Ben Affleck certainly fits that bill, and then some," said WB's president of production Greg Silverman. "His outstanding career is a testament to his talent and we know he and Zack will bring new dimension to the duality of this character.”

Ok, so I've read this statement 3 times and every time I read it I get confused about the "outstanding career" thing. Here's why:

• Gigli (2003)
• Jersey Girl (2004)
• He's Just Not That Into You (2009)
• Gigli - IT COUNTS TWICE. 
• Armageddon (1998)
• Animal cookies, that is all.

Honestly, he's done some really great movies, but his IMDB profile comes across as schizophenic. He does either really great movies, or SUPER terrible ones.

Plus, Christian Bale was pretty sessy. WHATEVER.

Ok. I'm done.

But really though, look at that picture above. Henry Cavill is beautiful. Hot damn. He makes Ben Affleck look like Quasimodo.

Wentworth Miller Came Out...and is Protesting Russia's Gay Ban

To ALL the people who didn't believe me years ago when Prison Break was on - HA!

I have great gaydar. Deal with it.

If you've been living under a rock, you may not know that Russia thinks it's acceptable to ban homosexuals (super basic way of explaining it, but I like it). This has caused many an uproar (best sentence ever) because the winter olympics are supposed to be there in February 2014 and gay athletes feel discriminated against.

As it turns out, Wentworth Miller was also invited to an event in Russia and wrote the following to decline his invitation:

"As a gay man … I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government...The situation is in no way acceptable, and I cannot in good conscience participate in a celebratory occasion hosted by a country where people like myself are being systematically denied their basic right to live and love openly. … If circumstances improve, I'll be free to make a different choice." 

It really bothers me how many people live in fear of revealing their sexual preferences. It should not be anyone else's business who we love.

Good for Wentworth.

Also, good for me, because my gaydar has been proven accurate once more.

Lindsay Lohan on Oprah

I haven't really looked that hard, but I can't find a full download of the Oprah's Next Chapter special with Lindsay Lohan anywhere. If you know where I can get my hands on it, please let me know.

So yah. Predictably, it was Lindsay Lohan as she always is...while maybe she is sober and she is serious about staying sober this time (ahem party with the Wanted at the Mondrian less than a week after getting out of rehab), she still isn't telling the truth about anything she did. She even stumbles when Oprah asks her questions.

Check out a clip here (thanks TMZ)

Lindsay Lohan to Oprah: I'm An Addict ... Booze With a Little Coke - Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe

It's not that I don't believe her, but I don't believe her. 2 main reasons:

1. She claims the only thing she's ever injected into her is B12. Yah, And your lip just MAGICALLY got bigger. Come on.
2. She also lies when asked about whether she's on any prescription. First she says no, then she corrects and says acid reflux medicine.

You know, for her, I hope she's clean. For me, and for our entertainment, I hope she's not. Because, you know, it was fun to watch that hot mess.

Oprah's no dummy though, she must have her in some kind of contract to make sure she doesn't look dumb. But no one ever called Lindsay Lohan smart...or not an asshole. And assholes have trouble being smart. And sober. 

Prince Is On Twitter = MAGIC

Sooo, Prince has decided that he is joining Twitter and it's the most amazing thing that has happened to Twitter in quite a while.

I really hope that he'll be my Twitter friend. I. WOULD. DIE.

Mmm, smokey.

The 2013 Teen Choice Awards Red Carpet

I am fully aware that I exaggerate a lot.,I often will say things are the worst. They're sometimes not that bad.

I am not exaggerating about the hideously ugly fashion choices that were seen at this awards show. Like, mind-blowingly ugly. Take a look here. If you dare. And yes, I am aware I sound like Halloween children's book.

I am only posting some of them, because my retinas honestly can't stand another glance at some of these things.

Here is what I can stand to look at. This grouping will help you understand how hideous the balance must be.

Ok, lets do this.

Anna Camp: 
I can only assume she is paying homage to her family name by dressing in this mess of a dress. Ugh. I'm really over top knots. I've been over them for a really long time. She cemented it for me with this swiss dot cut out mess of a sex shop special. Ugh.

Chloe Grace Moretz:
Ugh. Really with this? If it wasn't also visually offensive, I would show you these pictures I have of me and my best friend dressing in my mother's "dating" clothes. They were, ahem, super inappropriate for us, considering we were 11.

I hate this dress a lot.

Demi Lovato:
Best outfit I saw. So normal and not ridiculously trendy.

JWoww:

OH MY GOD. WOMAN. SIT DOWN.

GO HOME.

Look how crooked her boobs and face are? Jesus. Those shoes!? Where is that dress from? Windsor? 

Kerry Washington:

Super adorable. As is she. I wish I owned those shoes. And that they wouldn't destroy my man monster feet.

Miley Cyrus:
You guys, it's becoming a lot for me with this one. I'm almost ready to shut down. She is just the worst. And I want to hit her and stab her so much.

Naya Rivera:

Totally ridiculous and something that Salt-n-Pepa would have worn, so, amazing. To be honest, if that was my abdomen, I would wear stuff like this too.

Unfortunately, I really enjoy pizza pockets.

Nina Dobrev:
I drool for these pants. Also, her thighs. Also, her boobs. And her hair.

I often enjoy her style. I like her. I think. We'll see.

Selena Gomez:

Way too old for her...picture it on Jennifer Aniston or something, but still super amazing. I retract my Demi Lovato and replace it with a very strong Selena Gomez vote.

Well done Selena. Now dump Justin Bieber. Please.

Amanda Bynes: Update

I have long thought that Amanda Bynes was mentally ill.

My brother is paranoid schizophrenic and I recognize the signs. Moments of absolute lucidity, where they are the person you remember, often in times when they are defending themselves/their honor. These are contrasted with moments that are really scary...rambling, stories that don't make sense, odd behaviour.

Amanda Bynes' 5150 hold has been extended for 30 days, and her mother has been granted temporary conservatorship to protect her money and her legacy. The doctors said that she is gravely handicapped by her illness, and after watching my brother, I understand what they mean.

The scary thing about schizophrenia is that it is a degenerative disease. The meds can help the person, but depending on how strictly they are adminstered/taken they really gauge the mental health. If the patient goes off, the disease will take over and the next time (if it happens) the patient is given meds again, they will only get so much better, never as good as they were the last time they were hospitalized.

If you are touched by mental illness or just want to donate to a worthy cause, I suggest this one. It's a cause very close to my heart, and these people have helped our family immensely.

http://www.asmfmh.org/

Beyonce Chopped Off her Hair

So Bey took out her weave and showed us what it looks like.

Still beautiful.

Still better than all of us combined.

Not my favourite look, but it's not like she looks bad.

I wonder if JayZ likes this? I bet you Justin Timberlake LOVES it.

Ew.

She's BAAACK - Lindsay Lohan is Out Of Rehab

Nothing says "I'm sober" like wearing my grandmother's trouser socks with a dress.

Her hair looks great though, and she looks REALLY healthy.

Though I am madly in love with all her idiotic antics, I really hope this chick can get better now.

She's apparently transitioning into a sober living facility for the next few days before she officially joins the rest of us in the real world.

Slated for Lilo's year:
- A trip to Europe
- An Oprah-produced reality show about her struggles with sobriety
- Standing in for Chelsea Handler on her TV show

And also hopefully removing those trouser socks. Oy.

Good luck Red. Keep up the good work.