So, you might have joined us for the Oscars red carpet and if so you were a part of one of the ragiest technical difficulty-fueled evenings we've ever had. All that to say, things happened and we had things to say about it. Here are my best memories of things we said.
Adele:
Couldn't tell if this was forest green or black, but it was definitely a snore and we felt like we'd seen it before. I am currently watching Skyfall, and it's good. You should see it.
Amanda Seyfried:
Why can't anyone pronounce her name? Everyone said it differently. Apparently everyone wants to be Jessica Chastain in the Alexander McQueen because now people are wearing McQueen and thinking they're epic.
This is not epic. This neckline, as Jewelry Judge put it, is very Vegas showgirl. The wave in this picture shows how she also isn't sure of this. She shouldn't be, it's awful.
Anne Hathaway:
Her nipples were the talk of the town. Seriously. Apparently she changed dresses at the last minute and it shows. It's poorly tailored, pressed and it looks like it
wasn't made for her. She could do better, has done better and should have.
Also, the Bieber hair is a lot.
And, as I said last night, is the finger pointing to indicate her nipples? If so, yah, we see them. Don't worry.
Amy Adams:
Can someone throw this chick into a dumpster for me? She's the worst. This dress is totally owning her and it's making her look like she can't breathe.
And what's with her face? Ugh. I find her really punchable.
Brandi Glanville:
Elegant boob cover?
Catherine Zeta-Jones:
We
loved this until they scrolled down and we all yelled in unison. It went from glitter fabulous to horrible nude tulle. Like, it was so over the top great and much too sparkly and for no reason and then they looked down and we all yelled out loud. So bad. So, so bad.
Charlize Theron:
Before we showed up we had a very serious conversation about that Dior commercial she's in...serious as in how annoying the song is from it. And then the tweets started about how epic she looked. She was stomping around the red carpet on some kind of mission, very much like the commercial. And then we saw her. Oh my god. She looked good.
Then Seacrest ruined it by asking about her hair and she started blabbing about how hard it was to cut her hair short (for the millionth time). Shut up. You're gorgeous. You would look good with an axe in your skull.
Giuliana Rancic:
Probably the best she's looked this awards season, but her hair was a bit lank and the broadcast was terrible. GR, who is one of the faces of E!, was relegated to the desk, overrun and talked over by Kelly Osbourne repeatedly. This is a great dress, it's too bad it was hidden by their giant desk.
Halle Berry:
Her hair. Oh my god I wish I had the bone structure for that hair. But it's her face that sells it. And even though this is not my favourite dress of the night, she certainly looks way better than the Golden Globes. At least this time she didn't wear something from the Ed Hardy collection...
Helen Hunt:
She
had to point out that she had $700K worth of jewels on, but was wearing H&M. Yah, we could tell it wasn't couture, from the way it was wrinkled like the bed sheets of a whore in Thailand. It wasn't good. Sustainability or not, you can't wear H&M to the Oscars. It's just shameful.
Helena Bonham Carter:
If you're surprised then you need a smack in the head, because you shouldn't be. This is par for the course.
Jamie Foxx & Daughter:
I didn't know until this morning that this was his daughter. That makes his serious penis/pants situation even more awkward. And the Kelly Rowland situation. ABC decided to use celebrities to host their red carpet and in doing that they ended up having people who had zero education about fashion and could only talk about how
beautiful people looked. Nothing about a designer.
This got so bad that Kelly Rowland leaned in to SMELL Jamie Foxx and ended up confusing him so he went to kiss her and it ended up on her ear or something. It was so bad. and then there was his penis. Look! It's there!
Jane Fonda:
Someone blathered on for minutes about getting this fabric from somewhere and cutting it for her body, bla bla bla. Um. Shut up. She's Jane Fonda, she deserves amazing and she looks amazing. Period.
Jennifer Aniston:
Everyone was expecting black, and she didn't wear it, so that was refreshing. You can kind of see it here, but there was a weird like, almost, peep hole on her dress right at her groin area. It was a bit awkward. But, if I have to say another positive thing, at least it wasn't fitted and at least I can't see her shoes. Which are probably ugly. Ooh, that's 2 positive things.
Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck:
We didn't officially
see them on the red carpet because we had a channel situation, but from this picture I can see that they look really cute. And honestly, 'Argo' was the shit so I'm really happy it won. But does it look like he's kind of standing on her dress there?
Jennifer Hudson:
I am so tired of this one's face. People REALLY need to stop pretending she did that with just Weight Watchers. As if.
Also, that dress is horrible. We couldn't tell what it was, but JJ guessed burnout velvet with glass chunks. Either way. Bad.
Jennifer Lawrence:
I'm not
that interested in the actual awards, mostly just the red carpet, and from that perspective it was really disappointing.
She's young. I really wanted her to have more fun than she appeared to be having in this dress. It looked like a massive pain in the ass...and it ended up being kind of a mess for her. When she tripped UP the stairs to accept her Oscar. I mean, imagine? I would nearly kill myself if that happened to me at an appointment with one of my customers. I cannot even imagine how she must feel after doing that AT THE OSCARS.
She looked too thin and not really like she was having any fun, and that kind of made me sad.
Jessica Chastain:
She was one of the first on the carpet and we all pretty much hated it. And then it revealed itself to have a little more depth than we thought. It was more bronze than beige, which was good, because I'm really over nude.
So the dress wasn't terrible, even though it didn't fit super well. Her hair on the other hand...it hasn't been a good season for her. It's always so flat and retro. I wish she would do something that covered that bald spot on her forehead...I have the same one, and I avoid displaying it, I could teach her some tricks.
Kelly Osbourne:
She is the worst.
I can't say much more because discussing her incites major rage, but in general: UGH.
She had the most pompous pronunciation of a word, and it drove us over the edge. Instead of saying cleavage, like all of us do, she said "klee-vaaaage" Like it was some kind of Parisian perfume. Stabby!
Kelly Ripa:
I REALLY like this dress. Like Lucy Liu's from the Globes, it stands out to me because it's different. Unfortunately, her jerk face ruins it because she looks sweaty and her hair looks weird, but the dress itself is lovely. And I like the color blocking and the print. Well done from someone who doesn't really
need to look this good on this night.
Helen Hunt. Take note.
Kelly Rowland:
I still can't get over her smelling Jamie Foxx. Seriously. So awkward.
Not unlike her 90's up-do here...
Kerry Washington:
JJ said it best when she asked why Kerry Washington dressed as a Christmas ornament.
Then we had a full argument about why she was nominated and I proceeded to advise that she played the vag card, the race card and the ugly card all at once. Please. That's a nomination in the box. Ha ha. Pun intended.
Kristen Chenowith:
Yet another of the ABC celebrity anchors. So bad. So short compared to everyone else. They should have elevated her, it ruined all the interview shots because they had to film from so far back that you couldn't see make-up or jewelry. Sucked.
Also - She asked Michael Douglas WHO HE WAS. COME ON.
Kristen Stewart:
Go home. Who invited you? Also, I don't care that something is broken. You can't stand up straight for 30 seconds while they take pictures of you? Ugh. I want to punch her in the throat so much.
Louise Roe:
Is her crooked face to compare to her hairdo? If the dress didn't try to choke her to death, I might like it. Or try choking her. One or the other.
Marcia Gay Harden:
Oh my god the sleeve. Why? so horrific. JJ was totally obsessed with this for a moment.
Ugh. So gross. and the sleeve is so weirdly fit.
Maria Menounos:
I want to love this so much but it seems too casual for the Oscars and then it also kind of seems passé now that everyone wore it already, no?
And then there's her hair. This bitch has GREAT hair. But this is travesty. It's too big, it's super tacky combined with the neon pink. Just not good.
Melissa McCarthy:
WTF is happening here?
Of all the women not to show boob on the red carpet, this boob a licious babe is one of them? Ugh. What a waste. I'm walking around with these "My First Boobs" on my chest and I show more cleavage than that. And again, there is hair tragedy to address. WTF is going on here? Whose idea was this hair? If she was wearing a denim vest and a Motley Crue tank top, I would find her hair more appropriate...
Nancy ODell:
This dress is so horrific. Seriously. It is so champion-level ugly that I can barely contain myself. Now, I don't want to take away from Nance, she turned 47 today and she looks GREAT for her age. But that is no excuse to wear this dress. Ugh.
Naomi Watts:
Hands down one of our favorites of the night. After seeing twit after twat get out of the car in white or nude or beige or some other blah color, it was so refreshing to see Naomi come out in this epic dress. The fit is impeccable. It doesn't budge on her. And the color is super refreshing after being vomited on by blush and nude all night. But it's her hair and make-up that make it, because it's so flawless, so beautifully done that she looks fresh and dewey without looking made up.
Amazing.
Nicole Kidman:
Falling in the not amazing column, is Naomi's buddy Nicole. Um. WTF is this atrocity? As I said last night, it looks like an oil spill. And not the good kind. And those weird swirls at the bottom. Oh god. I really hate it a lot. Like, aggressively.
Norah Jones:
This dress, while pretty but not great, was so ruined by her hair. Like, so crazy. What is happening there? She looks like one of those crazy brides from the 90's who has perfect curly tendrils draping from her hair. Oh my god.
It's too bad, because from the neck down I'm happy. It's that hair. Oh my god.
Olivia Munn:
You have to give it to Olivia Munn. Despite being relatively annoying and seemingly talentless, she really has had a great red carpet season. She looked amazing at the Globes and now here, again, she looks really good. This dress is not too much for her, she did the right thing with her hair, and it's just the right amount of rich and opulent.
I'm a little shocked.
Paul Rudd & his wife with the full length Spanx:
Body stocking? WTF?
Reese Witherspoon:
Being a selfish asshole, I did not realize that Reese just had a baby. So I kept shouting "what's going on with her body?". Now I know.
A lot of people had bad things to say about the bust on this dress, but I really don't find it that offensive. I think this dress could have been perfect without the bust issue, but hey. What can a girl do?
Renee Zelwegger:
Oh fish face. Go to bed.
She looks so awkward, and so out of place, it's just not good. And her make-up and hair is so 90's. It's like she was trying to revive the Jerry MaGuire freshness she had without actually having it and after jamming her face full of fillers.
Not good.
Sally Field:
Though she looked mildly like a curtain at the bottom, she looked age appropriate, the red was beautiful and the cut was amazing. Her hair was right and she's just so cute how can you not love her?
Salma Hayek:
As JJ put it, this dress looks like the love child of Kate Hudson's dress from the Globes. And of George Costanza's fantasy velvet.
Look at her waist. Her body is so crazy! OMG.
I feel like her hair is a lot with that neckline. I would have liked to see half up with soft waves.
Samantha Barks:
I don't know who this is, and her title was only put as "performer" so I never will, but her necklace is epic, and if you're going to attend the Oscars as an unknown, you should probably wear a basic black dress like this.
Well done barks.
Sandra Bullock:
We all liked this, but agreed that this sleeve would be a nightmare on anyone who didn't go to the gym 47 times a week.
Otherwise though, very pretty.
Stacy Kiebler & George Clooney:
I never thought I would vote Stacy Kiebler as best of the night, but this dress was so amazing. It is so gorgeous and only someone as svelte and statuesque as former WWE wrestler Stacy K could pull it off. The beading is just...drool. OMG.
The dress is so good that it allows me to ignore her hair, which is so Cinnabon - I can't.
Zoe Saldana:
Bitch has steeze. You cannot say she doesn't.
When she hit the red carpet Twitter exploded with people losing their minds over this dress. I didn't even SEE the bottom until I downloaded the pic. This dress is so amazing. Just the detail at the waist is to die for. Imagine this in black and knee-length at every upscale department store in North America. SOLD OUT.
Well that's it. We laughed, we screamed, we had technical difficulties and screamed some more. Hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn't, well, shut up.
So there.
