Is Apple Martin Cross-Eyed?

Ok, obviously, she's going to be a super model, but can we agree she's slightly cross-eyed?

Or, her eyes are...pointing in opposite directions?

Wow.

I'm kind of excited for how many people are going to rip me to shreds for this post.

Bla bla bla, child. Bla bla bla, shut up.

I'm not saying she isn't beautiful and won't be a model when she's 14, but she's a bit strange looking now, no?

To be fair, I am by no means a model and I also had a seriously ugly phase when I was 8ish. It lasted 2 years.

However, my legs were not like that.

Uncool.

Celebrity Halloween Costumes

Emma Roberts:
Ugh. Also, ugh. She's dating that creepy dude from 'American Horror Story' who kind of half assed his costume, no? But she's dressed as her auntie Julia/a really tacky prostitute. We get it Emma, Julia Roberts is your aunt. Stop reminding us.

Ken Jeong:
This is only because Ken makes me laugh.

Nicole Richie & slutty friends:
Ugh.
I thought she'd be cooler than this.

Christina Aguilera:
Some people make halloween all about being slutty. I've always preferred Halloween as a time to be really ridiculous. The rest of the year people give me hell for it.

Like, what is she supposed to be?

Hilary Duff:
I'm entranced by what is going on at her elbow. Is that a fold of skin? It's really creepy. her make-up is really great though, whoever did it should be proud of them self.

Jenny McCarthy:
How cute is this? I want this costume. The shoes kind of ruin it for me, but they're still really cute. Also, aren't we over leggings?

Kim Kardashian & Kanye West:
This costume is pretty great, but she is freaking me out as a blonde. It's such a weird look. His pants are also freaking me out. He looks weird when them rolled up like that. Yuck.

Scott Disick:
Is he screen testing for an American Psycho remake? There have been rumours for a long time that he has been hand picked to play Patrick Bateman in the remake. I don't think they should remake it. How can anyone do better than Christian Bale? He looks Bateman-y though. Hip to Be Square.

Stacey Kiebler:
Not a costume. Just saying. Also, your legs look really creepy.

Ugh. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel Are The Worst

Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face more?

This is the MOST obnoxious wedding photo I've ever seen.

And I'm having a hard type explaining exactly why I feel this way but here are a few reasons:

• I find Justin Timberlake near intolerable unless he is singing or in an SNL digital short
• I am borderline ashamed of Jessica Biel for being such a wet rag that she is marrying the guy who openly cheated on her for years
• The fact that he decided to jump into the photo like this gives me violent nausea
• Her perfect princess pose next to him speaks to how desperate she is to be perfect and beautiful and how much she feels she needs him to be relevant
• The decor
• Her comb-over. What the hell is going on there?
• Is that white carpet? White carpet is the most pretentious carpet color possible.
• I still have violent nausea over his jumping into the photo.

And then it gets worse.

A blind item emerged this week about a celebrity wedding where a video was played which was a parody that included some of the homeless people of Los Angeles expressing their apologies for not being to attend said wedding.

It was meant to be funny, and word has the couple were surprised by it and had nothing to do with it, but it speaks to what kind of thinking happens by people in this type of lifestyle. That it is funny to mock people whose lives are in that situation. The mentally ill, the drug addicted, the 97% of Americans who are feeling the economic troubles in ways that the more fortunate can never understand.

The blind item was basically revealed yesterday, by Gawker and it was Timberbiel's wedding. I won't embed it, because I find it disgusting, but you can see the video and article here.

Kind of gross. No?

If you want to help the homeless, there are some really great charities out there. Here is a link to one in Montreal that I personally donate to: http://www.danslarue.com/

Alicia Silverstone Manages to Gross Me Out. Again.

I'm sure a lot of you remember earlier this year when Alicia Silverstone decided it would be a good idea to show the world that she bird feeds her child.

If you're unfamiliar with it, you can watch it here. It grosses me out, so I don't want it embedded on my blog.

Basically, she pre-chews her baby's food and feeds him like a bird would baby birds.

It's gross.

And unwilling to let herself be singularily gross, she has now decided to endorse a line of eco-friendly sex toys. Ugh.

Look, I'm aware that everyone touches themselves, but I don't think we need celebrities telling us which tools they use to do it to themselves. Here is her gross open letter endorsing these products:

Ok, ladies-- sometimes it’s nice to have a little extra…something…when you're getting it on (solo, with your partner…whatever floats your boat). There is one personal massager company that’s actually Kinder than all the rest. These vibrators from Leaf come in a bunch of different shapes, all inspired by nature. I like that they look natural and feminine…like leaves and flowers...not scary. Plus they’re made from phalate-free, super-soft (and safe) silicone, and they use rechargeable batteries. And they're shipped to you in packaging that’s not only discrete, but made from recycled materials. There’s a few different varieties so you can pick one that speaks to you. It’s nice to know that you can get your green on and your groove on at the same time!

Gross.

Mr & Mrs Boringpants (Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel) Got Married

These two bore-hounds got married today in Italy.

I care less about that than I do about making fun of Justin Timberlake's hair in this picture. Look how stupid he looks.

Ugh.

People were there and stuff and People will have the exclusive story next week in their magazine. Only dorks use People.

Dorks.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green had a Baby Boy

I know very little else...ok, fine! I'll Google it!

Err. Ok.

He was born September 27th and his name is Noah Shannon Green.

Congrats!

Best News of the Week: Tina & Amy are Hosting the Golden Globes

Because The Golden Globes couldn't get us to host, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler decided to step up. (we're actually the very, very, poor man's version of them). We got so excited, we've decided to actually watch this time. Usually we try but we get bored and start drinking and bitching.

Presented Without Comment...

Product Review: Lancome Hypnose Star Mascara

This mascara is amazing! Also, Betty Boop is in the ads...how could you not buy this? She's the cutest little vixen in history! Seriously though, this product is great. They took the Doll Lashes brush which is angled and pointed, and gave it a flat side which really helps to get the product on your lashes. Also the mascara itself is really good. Lots of volume, no clumps. It gives a really glamorous look. And again...Betty Boop, c'mon!

Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan Are A Mess (AKA DUH)

So two nights ago, these two messes went out and ended up getting into a huge fight at 4am in a limo.

It resulted in a domestic disturbance visit from the cops and a hysterical call to Michael Lohan, who of course immediately released the recording to TMZ. What a class act.

We shouldn't be surprised. This family is full trash.

You can hear the call here on TMZ, it's kind of a waste of time, but during the call Lindsay claims that Dina is on 'cocaine'. I find that a weird way to say it. I've never heard anyone say the full word when referring to it. It's like she's TRYING to sound innocent about drugs.

Anyhoo, apparently the whole thing was a fight about $40,000 that Lindsay gave to Dina because her house was in foreclosure. Dina did something gross and Lindsay asked for it back.

Yesterday morning they were seen hugging awkwardly as Lindsay left for a private jet flight back to LA to promote a new energy drink. Is she gross enough to be ironic yet? I guess we'll see. Or these people are stuck in 2006 and think she's great. Either or.

Lindsay also called TMZ last night and talked to them for 18 minutes (click the link to listen, I'm not wasting my life listening to her lie) about how she inaccurately accused her mother of being on drugs. Reneg, reneg, reneg. She also says her father is dead to her. On that vein, I'm with her. It was a seriously dick move to release the call to TMZ. Why is he even recording his calls? That's so creepy!

That family deserves each other. She and her mother are constantly covering each other's tracks. Both of them should be in rehab and then be kept away from each other.

What a disaster.

Stacy Kiebler's Hair Is Gross

I take nothing away from this girl's face or her body. She looks effing amazing.

However, what I can't take is her nasty two-toned hair.

I am personally a fan of the ombre look, I think many people have done it well and it looks very pretty. But this is not ombre. This is 6 inches of roots hair-sprayed to her skull and making her ponytail look alarmingly blonde.

Her back is sick though. It makes me want to quit my job to work out for a living.

Do you think George Clooney would be willing to pay me to work out and look good? I'm good company, and I'm already married so I wouldn't bother him about that.

Also, I don't want to have sex with him, so he could totally pursue Brad Pitt to his heart's desire...

Let me know.

Amanda Bynes Moved to New York

So, immediately after pleading not-guilty to all her driving offenses in LA, Amanda Bynes picked up and moved to New York, to become a serious fashion designer. Obviously.

And she's not loving the paparazzi in NYC either.

I'm curious to see how this ends.

If she ends up creating a line of leggings and self tanner, I'm going to lose my shit.

Let's talk about how glamorous she looks below. Um. I live in Montreal, it's not that far from New York. It is not warm enough to be walking around as nude as below.

Also, do her lips look puffier?

Arrested Development WILL be Back For Another Season

Oh good god I'm happy.

This week Entertainment Weekly featured the Bluths and discussed their upcoming 10 episode season. It's a bit late, it was originally slotted to be on this fall, but it has now been confirmed to debut on NetFlix early next year.

I'm so f-ing happy.

Like a MILLION F%&$ING DIAMONDS!!

More images after the jump...

Daily No, Featuring Cameron Diaz

I didn't read any of the article that accompanied these photos but I heard it was mostly stuff like, "I'm 40, I feel great.

Leave the graceful ageing to Molly Shannon characters, Cam. You look like a truck stop hooker.

Alert: Rihanna Is a Dumb Bitch

Ugh. This twat is getting on my nerves.

I really want Tina Turner to go give her a stern talking to.

2 nights ago Rihanna and Chris Brown were at the same club, and were spotting making out at their VIP table, then they disappeared to the bathroom and came out looking "ruffled". Gross.

Later that same night they left the club moments apart, showed up at her hotel minutes after, and then the next morning left her hotel minutes apart.

Last night they went to Jay-Z concert in Brooklyn and were sitting together. Obviously, this means nothing and his arm around her could also just be a comfort thing, but this girl is an idiot. STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY, HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

I do not understand women who go back to men who hurt them physically.

Why does Jay-Z not intervene? Beyonce! We need you!

Mariah Carey & Nicki Minaj Cat Fight on Set of American Idol

This is good stuff.

These two are majorly bitching each other out on the set of American Idol and this week at some auditions Nicki lost her shit and just started whining about Mariah. It's practically impossible to hear anything but Nicki Minaj's whiny voice, so here is a transcript:

Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.” 

Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?” 

Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.” 

Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.” 

Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”

The best, BEST part is Keith Urban trying to pretend it's not happening between them. It's really good.

Some More 2012 Emmys Photos

First and foremost, how great a job did Beauty Writer do in my absence? Her line "toothpaste adjacent" made me laugh and laugh. She also was much less mean than me, which - let's be honest - is kind of refreshing, no?

BUT, I'm back. And I'm cranky because I had to leave a Jamaican beach and come home to work. So here are a few more Emmy pics:

Glenn Close:
I'll be honest, when I saw this thumbnail, I thought it was Amy Poehler and I was really nervous that she isn't handling her break up very well. Then, it was Glenn Close.

Then I was scared that I was looking at swaths of Glenn Close's naked body. Good god. What the hell is going on here? Seriously. It's really bad. I get it, you're not a starlet, so you're wearing something with a little more coverage...um. Wear more.

Juliana Marguiles:
Has anything ever looked stiffer or more uncomfortable? She normally has pretty basic, hard-to-insult dresses. This is not one of those times. One more for the couch prints. Seriously. This is effing terrible. And always with the slicked back hair? Enough.

Lucy Liu:
I like her. I don't know why she can't find an audience. Ok, I do. She's annoying. She reminds me of this girl I once knew who was pretty, but in this strange way that you felt like something was wrong with her and it made you hate her.

This dress is good, in theory. But I hate those sequins. They're much too big and they end up looking like metallic Cheerios. That's not a good look on any level.

Mayim Bialik:
Why?! This is so bad. There are so many different tweaks that could be made to make this more flattering. The fit is SO bad and her hair is so matronly. Ugh. It's really not good.

Who?
I don't know this girl's name...but I remember her from How I Met Your Mother. She was a crazy person. But you know what's not a crazy person? This dress.

Ok, it kind of is because that dip in the front goes much too low, but the rest of it, while drab, is kind of lovely. I really like the texture on the overlay at the top and it fits her really well. Just saying.