2011 MTV VMA's (aka the Beyonce is Pregnant Show)

So...the VMA's were last night. Apparently the show was a bore. I was dealing with a massive hangover so I was unable to watch it, but I heard from several sources that it was bland and that Beyonce stole everyone's thunder by announcing her pregnancy on the red carpet and then again on stage.

Just last week she did a 3 show stint in NYC and no one noticed that she was pregnant...she got us. All. Good for her. Can you imagine the talent on the kid tha comes out? Amazing. Not to mention the insane style. Ugh. Amazing.

Ok, let's do the first round (inevitably more pics will come out today and I'll do a 2nd post, as usual)

Adele:

Looking not unlike a 70's Miss Piggy here, but who cares what she looks like? She's too amazing.

If you haven't already purchased both her albums, do so immediately. You will thank me. She has the most incredible voice. She redid 'Lovesong' and it is one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. Lately I've been listening to her while I drive and I'm sure I look like a maniac because I'm singing so hard with her. Wooo, anyway.

I will point out the talon nails though. They're coming back...can you work with those? I can barely function when my nails pass the my fingertips in length, I don't know how people do that.

Beyonce:

She wins the night. Over everyone. She trumped any award, Britney's lifetime achievement award, everything. Her publicist is a genius. She performed her ass off too, better than non-preggos all over the world.

Love her red carpet dress. It's amazing.

Bonnie McGee:

I know nothing about this girl except that I'd rather not see the bottom portion of her ass again.

Britney Spears:

I watched the first 5 minutes on demand this morning, and Britney's reaction to Gaga's alter ego man character was so fantastic. She looked so put off.

She looked really good last night. Really clean and happy and very pretty. And seeing her out and about looking like this, we know what a triumph this is over her regular days. I don't find this shooties (shoe booties) to be a triumph though...she has muscular legs and those cut her in a weird place. My legs are very similar to hers and I try really hard not to wear anything like that because it cuts at such a bad place.

29 years old and she received a lifetime achievement award. Wow.

Demi Lovato:

Why does she look so old? She looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet and then brushed clean. Like when you used to try to style you Barbie's hair and then it basically just ruined it an she ended up looking really budget? That's how I think of Demi Lovato. Sad and budget. And frankly, unnecessary, no?

Jersey Shore girls:

So...I wasn't sure how to break it to you guys, but I'm not sure I can tolerate Jersey Shore anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm getting old or because I know how much these assholes are getting paid, but I just can't lately...Like, I have to rush through the episodes...and I'm considering not watching anymore. I mean...look at them.

Most of all, look at JWoww's face. WTF is going on there? Deena's dress and hair? Sammi looks pretty, but then you watch the show and she opens her mouth and you just want to kill yourself and then Snooki...

I need these people to go away now. They can't be permanent reality TV celebrities. I'm done. They're too annoying.

Jessi J:

Blinging out crutches is awesome. Even awesomer will be if she gives them to a kids' wish foundation or something afterward. How cute would that be?

I hear she sang the hell out of everything she performed and totally kicked ass. Of course she did. She's wearing white tights and doesn't look horrific.

Katie Holmes:

What now?

Also, WTF is that pose?

She looks amazing hair/face wise, but that outfit. Why doe she think I'm going to trust her to design clothes. That are available at Barney's and other equally exclusive and expensive retailers.

Ugh. She sucks.

Katy Perry:

Some celebrities can get away with going around make-up free. Katy Perry is not one of them. And it's not because she's not naturally beautiful, but because her persona requires her to be SO over the top made-up that seeing her naked faced is really alarming...especially when she's having a bad skin day, like here.

She was regular silly Katy Perry last night...I heard there were a lot of jokes about tequila and that she and Russell looked a little awkward together...which maybe because of the tequila jokes and the obvious drunkenness (I heard)...he's a former SERIOUS addict...so maybe a drunk ass wife isn't his ideal sitch...

I also wasn't fond of the cube she wore on her head later on. Like, really?

Kelly Rowland:

Someone is super proud of her breast implants. Geez. We get it Kelly, you got your boobs done. I just had to Google to find out if she's actually released anything since Destiny's Child because I couldn't figure out why she was there.

Apparently she's still relevant.

Kim Kardashian:

I almost killed myself earlier when I read about the suite she and her hubby have at some posh hotel in New York while they're filming Kourtney and Khloe...it made me hate my life and hate this twat so much.

But then I think of what her giant boobs and ass have done for female body image and how she is not called fat, where a few years ago she might have been...But, then she cries when she's in a pool and loses her earring that costs more than I make in a year and I want to kill her again.

I'm torn. But not about this dress. I hate it. It's backless, FYI, I just couldn't stomach posting the back

Maria Menounos:

Her too. I'm over it. I actually quite like the dress and hate myself for liking the dress, but I love green. I'm a sucker for it. And when you're tan like she is (anyone know what brand of tanner she uses, aside from being Greek) green looks GOOD.

She's too annoying though, I can't handle it.

Miley Cyrus:

Speaking of annoying...again, another primo segue! It is MY week.

I hate this dress. I makes me stabby. Honestly though, she could be wearing the exact same thing as me and I would still hate it because I hate her.

Nicki Minaj:

Too far Nicki. TOO FAR. I really enjoy the biscuit aspect of her hair though. Doesn't it looked like a baked good you would tear apart and eat while dipping into sauce? OMG, clearly my salad wasn't a satisfying lunch.

For real though, she is weird.

Selena Gomez:

You know, i was really into this dress until I saw her shoes. I hate those shoes. And then I saw her bobble head above it all. I don't want her to be relevant, I'm too tired and I don't need new idiots. Also, watching her and Ellen Bieberneres kiss all the time is grossing me out.

But the dress is gorge. GORGE.

Vanessa Hudgens:

Seriously, I thought this was Zoe Kravitz. Wow. This is quite a different look for this one. She looks very odd though. Like, unrecognizable.

I love the dress, it's very sleek and glamorous, but I'm not loving the hair and make-up...it's really severe and really 90's. Ugh, remember when people wore makeup like that all the time?

You know who doesn't remember? Vanessa Hudgens. Barf. So young. Youth is making me bitter today.

Victoria Justice:

Who IS this? Ugh, Google just informed me that it is another Disney/Nickleodeon spawn. ENOUGH HOLLYWOOD!

Omg. I just read her age. Am killing self now. She is 18.

Woo, ok, that's it for the first batch. I hope you enjoyed it. I busted my butt a bit to get it out early (and by busted my butt I mean I spent my whole lunch hour writing it).

Enjoy!

Courtney Love Looks Manufactured.

Seriously. Her face is so freaky.

Remember the other day how I said it was really lucky that Frances Bean didn't look like her mom?

I repeat.

Like, look at her face? She is so pulled and pinched and flat and smooth. It's scary.

Blech. She makes plastic surgery look bad. And creepy.

Lindsay Lohan Is Depressing

The caption above this photo was something about Lindsay Lohan begging a director to retract the statement he made about not wanting to work with her because her middle name is 'liability'.

First of all, what is he, an idiot? Of course he's going to stay away from that. I mean look at how she looked below BEFORE Kim Kardashian's wedding and BEFORE she was seen doing shooters and being wasted.

Like he wants her to be in his movie.

Oh, and also she's wearing those shorts. I would also refuse to employ anyone wearing jeans shorts where the fly length is that long. That is unnecessary.

UNNECESSARY!

Cameron Diaz Really Grinds My Gears

Cameron Diaz is filming 'What To Expect When You're Expecting', which is based on that pregnancy book my boss was pushing at me years ago...? Seriously. That's how FEW original ideas are out there now, people are writing screenplays based on chafed nipples?

Is that something that happens? Ew.

Anyhoo, here's Cam on set, pretending to be pregnant. With those arms. Um, excuse me, but YAH F-ING RIGHT.

Have you ever seen a pregnant woman that ripped? Like, who is this director that thinks people will be able to identify with this woman? Who didn't tell her to cool it on the ARod workouts for a little while before filming? Because they should be shot.

I kind of hope she gets mobbed by a bunch of new mommies carrying baby weight and beat to death. Is that mean?

Fine, I know it is, but isn't that kind of why you come here and read this?

Rihanna Is Wearing Big Bird's Cousin as a Top

Rihanna debuted her new fragrance, a new weave, saggy boobs (that we know are not actually saggy) and a seemingly pregnant body last week...

It doesn't help that she is swathed in fabric that is apparently from the Golden Girls color card, but the bigger problem is the proportion of that outfit. Her stylist should be embarrassed.

I mean, for 2 weeks we've been seeing this girl in a bikini daily. Even if she's been drinking non stop and has the 'suddenly alcohol bloated' look that sneaks up on you after a vacation, there is no way she looks as bad as this top is making her look.

I mean, that thing looks like one of the least popular Muppets was skinned and made into a racer back top. OMG. Is that Rosita?

She was kind of annoying...

Frances Bean Cobain is Beautiful (phew)

Phew is more for her than us. Well, I mean good for us, because imagine she looked like her mother? AHH!

But seriously, she has dealt with a lot in her short life and I'm glad she is also gorge.

No matter what anyone says, being better looking makes life easier.

Read this for proof.

What TF Is Reese Wearing as a Bathing Suit?

So recently, it was discovered that Reese has a belly tattoo, kind of like a front tramp stamp...

Anyhoo, Reesey hates the paparazzi and she's not one to give them great shots, so I guess she's decided the throw on a onesie and not let them show her belly tattoo anymore.

I'm not fully getting the shorts, but whatever makes you happy.

No, I'm not really that nice or accepting. Duh. This outfit is fugly. You can wear a onesie, that's fine (as long as you don't accidentally buy a mom-style one from Bluefly and then dance around showing it to your roommate while flaunting your mom crotch at her - I don't know what you're talking about), but whhy do you need to put those ugly shorts over it?

You're Reese Witherspoon, we know you have a cute body, don't put oddly tight shorts on over your bathing suit, it's just annoying.

Soo.....Michael Kors Has a Freaky Belly Button

Michael Kors got married this past weekend to his longtime partner, Lance Le Pere. Lance was an intern at Michael Kors (drool) and worked his way up the ranks and (wait for it, mega cheesy) into the heart of his boss.

It seems though, that some other creature has worked its way into Michael's body though...I speculate that his tummy is not from a diet of delectable sweets, but that he is actual the world's first case of male pregnancy and the baby is trying to leave his body thumb-first through his belly button.

Thoughts?

If you need more material, simply look down. Scary as f--k. Or cute as a button? I don't know. I'm freaked out.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Promo Pic

This makes me so happy.

If you don't watch this show, I'm jealous, because it means you have seasons of episodes to catch up on. You will laugh and laugh.

How can you not love these people?

Danny Devito looks so crazy. I wish they would bring Rhea Perlman on the show...how awesome would that be? OMG!

Jessica Simpson Has Trouble Dressing, Considering Her Apparel Empire

Jessica Simpson dresses pretty terribly, most of the time. It's no secret.

But, like, has she not heard the suggestion that if you're feeling heavy, adding volume by wearing large, baggy clothes is not the way to go? Wearing insanely tight things are also not great, so there's a middle ground to be found (I feel she needs to be told this part)...but it can be found.

Also, WTF is with these glasses? They make her face look weird.

Morning Funny: The Situation is Asked To Please Stop Wearing Abercrombie

File this under things that made my ass laugh for many, many minutes.

Abercrombie & Fitch is prepared to endorse the Situation to STOP wearing their clothes. They feel he is embarrassing and damaging to their image. Check it:

"We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.

We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael 'The Situation' Sorrentino and the producers of MTV's The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response."

Dying. Seriously. I watched last week's episode and noticed the really loud A&F pants and was thinking how douchey he was, but this is something else.

Apparently the Situation is offended because A&F has a novelty tee that says 'Fitchuation' across the top. They confirmed they have it, but still are not retracting the request for him to stop wearing their stuff.

Brilliant.

Maybe the douches won't win after all.

Helen Hunt PROBABLY Doesn't Wear Panties To Train

Just a guess.

Lady Gaga Does Country (?)

I feel disconnected from Gaga lately. I don't know what's going on.

I need to relisten to this album, because this song is not doing it for me, but I'm not sure if it's just the country visuals of the corn field, dirt roads, barns, etc that are putting me off.

It's pretty darn country though.

Yee haw.

Tara Reid Got Married. In a Belly Top.

I just sang 'Only Tara' to myself to the tune of 'Only You'.

Only this twat would get married in a belly top, when her stomach looks like this.

Anyhoo, also turns out the guy she married in Greece only hours after getting engaged is not even the guy she's been dating for months.

That guy issued a statement today vehemently denying that he married her. Ha ha, how embarrassing.

But for real, I need to go to Greece. Look at that.

Halle Berry is 45. Looks like this.

You may or may not have heard that I believe in aliens. So what? I do. Deal with it.

I believe Halle Berry is the sexiest alien ever to land on earth. I mean, come on. That is not a human being. She's just too gorgeous and perfect.

Look how cute the baby is too. It's ridiculous.

No, but seriously, I've been ogling those boobs for a while. Are they real?

Wow.

I'm in love with her.

Lady Gaga Wears Something I Would Totally Wear

To date this is pretty close to the first thing ever she's worn that I've considered wearing myself.

Wouldn't this be an amazing top?

Weird Photos This Week

Every once in a while, several weird photos will build up in my database and I'll have to hold on to them until I can find a way to post them.

These are some of them...

Alicia Keys was recently honored with a wax statue. A white wax statue. Last time I checked, she wasn't white. If I were her, I'd be pretty offended by this. WTF?

Sarah Silverman went to an InStyle party this week and wore this AND posed like this. God, why? If you don't care, then don't walk the carpet. Don't make a mockery of this already ridiculous tradition...there isn't any room for that. In other news, I love her tights and her blouse. Just not on her in that situation or pose.

Paz De La Huerta is special. I haven't watched 'Boardwalk Empire' yet, but I'm really excited to, and most of it is because of this hot mess. It's not just that she wears things like this and stands like this, it's also because she gets in fights with supermodels and says really dumb things and also gets really drunk and falls down a lot. How can you not love someone like this?

Britney Gives Pauly D a Lap Dance. In Montreal.

I like how it's supposed to look like she's giving him a lap dance but then you see the muscly guy's arms behind them...like for sure that guy is holding her up.

She can barely make it through her well practiced dance routines without looking like a Zombie, and we think she can pole dance over Pauly's concrete hair?

Come on...

Kinda wish I had been there though.

Retro Teen Scream: Debbie Gibson & Tiffany!

EEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Conan Drinking Game

Last night my husband and I were bored. We decided we should get drunk together, because good couples do things together. Rather than risking our sanities and lives outside our home (drinking and driving is not cool, dudes), we looked up a Conan Drinking Game on the internet.

Unfortunately, it was posted in 2002, so it was a little out of date. Here is what we're proposing:

CONAN drinking game

You will need:

• This list (keep in mind the 'anytime' section at the bottom)
• Copious amounts of beer
• Several Conan episodes PVR'd or downloaded (legally, of course)

Rules:

Monologue:

Drink if:

• Conan spins in a circle
• Conan does the hip/string dance
• Conan scolds Andy for not having the correct response
• Conan makes reference to length/authenticity, etc of cheering
• A joke is made about the current US President

Skit:

Drink if:

• Skit involves the audience in any way
• Skit pokes fun at someone
• Skit is in any way disturbing

Guests:

Drink if:

• Conan makes a growl at a female guest
• Conan makes fun of his sex life (2 drinks if he jokes about his own sexual dysfunction)
• A movie clip is shown
• A guest ignores Andy through the entire interview
• Something the guest says causes Conan to leave his desk and walk/chair roll toward the backdrop
• Conan leaves his desk to interact with the guest (dancing, martial arts, exercise, anything)

Anytime:

Drink if:

• You laugh for 5 seconds or more at anything
• Conan touches his Eisenhower mug
• They show an "authentic" Entertainment Tonight clip
• Conan repeat's Mark Steines' "LOOKS GOOD"
• Conan imitates his producer
• Conan does an impression (of a celebrity or anyone)
• Conan makes fun of/makes reference to his hair
• Conan does victory wrists (you'll know it when you see it)
• Conan makes fun of America/Americans
• Conan refers to the Flaming 'C', his Warner Brothers superhero
• Conan refers to his mother
• Conan refers to La Bamba
• Deon Cole comes out for a skit or segment

Enjoy.

This Dog Accomplishes More Than I Do In A Day

John Stamos' Snugglefest

Start your day the right way and enjoy this video. I am still giggling.

Bog Saget's facial expressions KILL me. Seriously.

Bert and Ernie Aren't Gay, OK?

Of course Ernie is the bottom...

Ok, not really. But seriously, some people on the internet are very obsessed with creating gross images with these two kids faux doing it.

Lately, people have been pushing gay marriage...to the point of creating an online petition urging Sesame Street to marry Bert and Ernie. I guess some people forget they're supposed to be young kids...yikes. Anyhoo, here is Sesame Street's response to the hullabaloo (shut up):

"Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves.

Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation."

Can you imagine being the person who had to write that? I would be so bitter that I actually have to thoughtfully compose such a stupid thing.

People are the worst.

In other news, so are these images.

I guess Rubber Duckie wasn't the one...

Lindsay Lohan Buys a Ziploc Baggie of Something And Gets Caught

Like really, how dumb are we supposed to be?

Lindsay Lohan clearly bought drugs on the street in Venice this week and got caught. Like, they're even doing that drug thing where you drop the thing on the floor to distract and then do something above it...

Her 'camp' is claiming it's rose quartz crystals but we're not brain dead so we all know that it's some kind of drug and when she's doing drug testing she's bringing Ali's urine in there up her business or something.

Ugh, I'm so over how dumb she is. Also, LA court system - PUT THE GIRL IN REHAB, she clearly has a problem.

Li