This one is for you

I hope you love it

Apologies

I have to apologize for taking so long to post, but I must admit, I have been feeling uninspired when it comes to celebrity gossip recently. I don't know if all the interesting people have gone into hiding, or what.

Even the lord, who has had quite the eventful couple of weeks (fight with mommy, wrist breakage, heart breakage, etc) hasn't been turning me on. What do I do friends? What do I do?

Oh here. Let's make fun of these hideous boots!

You know I love her, but those things must go. They probably cost more than my car. Sigh.

Simpson sisters in London

Them's some not so hot faces ladies. Yummers.

Jessica should reign in those weirdo grimaces she does.

Asslee is looking lovely as ever. I like the seasonal pumpkin-toned hair.

Woman please!

Can someone please tell Tara Reid that she should take a very extended vacation to Afghanistan or something and disappear before she tanks her career even more?

She apparently switched out her implants for some that were a bit smaller, but she still looks like an inflatable pool toy to me.

Oh god. The weave. It's so ghetto. It's just so, so ghetto.

Give her my phone number. Seriously. I don't care anymore, I'll stoop.

Madonna's new bob, and not so new initiative

I'm sure you've seen this, but oh my god, how could I not?

Is this horrible or what? Does it have to be so goddam blonde?

And considering how much money she has, how has she not whitened her teeth ever?

What's this I hear about her and Guy adopting some African twins? That is so 2 years ago.

Style Icon?

I really wish that people would stop calling this bag-o-bones a style icon. Yes, she has a unique style, I'll give her that. But she also has a stylist and a tall, stick-thin body.

I do not consider this Laura Ingalls blouse/dress and these wrecked up Keds stylish.

PS - my sister used to do my hair like that when I was in grade 2. I looked awesome.

Just when I thought...

...that MY thighs were really pale, Marcia cross wore a wrap dress.

She's pregnant with twins! I don't know who her hubby is, but she's hot, so those will be some hot babies.

Wow, though. Those are some pasty, white thighs. It makes me want to bake.

Erika Christensen's cleave

I don't like it. It's too bulbous. It looks fake.

I think her facial expression is also creeping me out. Like she's picturing me in men's underwear.

I think I'd look cute. Wipe that face off bitch.

Fergie rocks it 90's style

I am not sure about this pic. Is it the perspective? Or is there something really wrong with her body and her outfit?

I am not feeling those pants. At all.

That reminds me...

...I totally need to get my oil changed.

I love this girl. She's great. But this is just bad.

And who said that copper sandals goes with this. Nope. No. No. No. No. No.

Guffin' it. Hardcore: The Cameron Diaz version

There is nothing about this woman that is good. She is guf. For those of you who are unfamiliar with my annoying desire to make up new words, see here.

She always looks like a drug-addicted surfer girl from Hawaii.

She's wretched. And a dog kisses better than her. Ha ha, how embarrassing. What a loser.

She actually makes me nauseous.

Suspenders! Kiki must die

So my brilliant hairdresser/friend has decided that I can't add Keira Knightly to the AXIS OF EVIL yet, because she might actually like her. Yes, I'm disappointed, but it's her creation and I can't bogart it just because I have a blog.

She has, however, allowed me to add Mischa Barton to the list. Which is great and one of the many reason I love her.

I am now making another official request: CAN I PLEASE ADD KIRSTEN DUNST??

Now, brilliant hairdresser/friend, don't tell me no because you liked Suicide Girls. EVERYONE liked suicide girls, it's impossible not to. It's fabulously depressing and girly. Think outside the box...
Check here, here and here

Hope that helps.

Oh yah, there WAS a reason for this post. Check out her pumping gas and wearing SUSPENDERS. Yes, I know, it was hot on the runways. But when I saw it on the runways, it wasn't with sweatpants.

Oh god I hope she dies.

Jessica Simpson - whining

Always whining and complaining that she's not in love. Shut up. You're the ho who cheated on your husband for a cheap thrill with a skinny dude.

Here are potential reasons why you do not have a boyfriend:
1) You leave the house with your face and hair looking like this
2) You have out with your pervy dad, A LOT
3) This outfit. What in the name of god told you that these boots went with this top and hat? Fuck me.

Questionable nipple placement

Her nipple is placed on the lower horizon of her breast. I'm not sure I like it. Nor do I like that weird guy with her.

Yo! Check out my jizz stains!

Do my computer graphics sperm help make it more real? Someone made the excellent comparison that she is just a classier Courtney Love. I think the tiara really locks it.

Posh, Posh, Posh, we MUST chat

Lord knows I love Victoria Beckham. She was my favourite Spice, she is my favourite footballer's wife...but bitch needs to throw on some slacks! It's bad enough her spindly little legs are clanging around in those boots, but we have to see them poking out from under that sweater "dress" she's wearing too?

Woah. I vote for pants!

Kate Moss - Fashion Icon

Since Kate Moss got caught snorting lines months ago, her popularity has had a Travolta-esque resurgence (apres 'Pulp Fiction') and she's climbed atop the world as the foremost fashion icon once again. Oh, and might I add, the recent increase in coke's popularity was right in line with all this...

Last weekend, at fashion week in London, she was spotted wearing these gross-ass high-waisted, bell-bottomed jeans. The colour reminds me of my grandfather's (may he RIP) favourite pair of powder blue jeans. In fact, with some adjustment to the waist region, they could be the same pants.

I don't like them. As an assistant buyer for denim, these jeans scare the bejeesus out of me.

PS - I like to think that my grandfather single-handedly brought back New Balance running shoes also. He was rocking that shit (velcro-style) waaaay before they got cool again. It runs in the family, you see.

Kate Bosworth needs HELP

I have HAD IT with this girl. How is no one helping her? I could play the fucking 'Flight of the Bumblebee" on her xylophone of a chest!

Someone needs to help her, because she is really pretty. Bitch really needs to be strapped to a bed and fed.

Gah, that is super gross.

Is it just me? Or...

...is Zahara totally rocking a Shrek hair-do? Oh my lord these children are cute. Shiloh has a lot to live up to.

Things that make me laugh. A LOT.

Oh my god, I loathe her. She's so fucking gross. I can't believe he does that.

In hilarious news, he said that the best kiss he ever had was from his dog. HIS DOG! He even went on to describe it:

"Best kiss I ever had? That's an easy one. The best kiss I ever got was from my little guy. His name is Buckley, he's a boxer and he's hilarious. When he kisses you it's like a shower over your face."

Ha ha, you disgusting man/woman! Your boyfriend prefers to kiss the dog!

Sarah Michelle Gellar is a thief!

Ok, I think I'm being a little dramatic, but she might be. Apparently, the hottest new Chanel nail colour is sold out across North America...some shade of black. SMG wanted it so badly that she grabbed it from someone else's stash!

Um, I have an idea. You're a celebrity. Call the company. Duh.

She doesn't look that great here. Maybe a bit too thin. Her head looks really vertical. The dress doesn't help. It looks like a napkin ring.

SPF has a brother

Britney Spears had another baby! Yes, I'm late on this too. Give me a break!

A little bit lighter (just over 6lbs), hopefully thanks to her nacho-free pregnancy, their 2nd son was born just 2 days before little Sean Preston's 1st birthday. Which is today. I think. Do you really care? It's not like you're sending him presents...

Reports today said that their 2nd son will also have the initials SP (Sutton Pierce), but this is contrasting to previous reports where they were saying she was naming the baby Jailyn in homage to her parents, Jamie & Lynn.

Or maybe she realized that Jailyn was a stupid name.

How cute is this picture of SPF version 1 looking out the hospital room window? He's like a doll.

Goddess DEnomination

You know, for someone I used to put quite high on a beauty pedestal, Jessica Simpson is really not doing it for me anymore.

What is with her lately?

I don't really like the bob, although I'm happy that she's showing all her natural hair. I hate the footwear choices and I can't say anything nice about that wretched purple dress. Holy moly.

Please Jess. Grow your hair and be cute again. I don't like this Jessica.

And, I know this will hurt her feelings, but I'm taking her off goddess watch.

Oh my...

What is going on here?

Can someone please explain this mess to me?

I am so glad that I never pretended to like her. Hot ass or not. She's fug.

Still got it

Elizabeth Hurley is really hot. It's a pity that she (apparently) has such a wretched attitude, because someone this pretty should be pretty to be around also.
Those are some boobs! Do we think they're real? I'm not so sure. They seem a little well-maintained...although, so does she. Gahh. I don't want to age!

Also, I would like really big boobs.

Cross your fingers for me!

Fashion Rocks

Lots of people showed up to the Fashion Rocks show a long time ago. I apologize for not having gotten to it before now. Stupid JOB. Wasting all my time.

Let's take a look:

Nelly Furtado
As many of you know, I love Nelly. She is awesome. You know what is not so awesome? Really heavy fringe. I tried to be all English and say 'fringe' instead of bangs. What do you think? I know. I feel like an idiot. Seriously. Someone get her some hair-growth pills. Those bangs must go.

Dress is hot though. Love it.

Denise Richards & Richie Sambora
You know, I think this is the first time I have EVER found Denise Richards pretty? Richie on the other hand, mmmmm. No one can sing a harmony quite like him. Bed of Roses? Wow! God, I am so lame. He totally looks like a woman though. In fact, he looks a lot like Heather Locklear! They were totally following the same beauty regimen.

Apparently they got engaged right before this. I don't see a ring. Do you?

Eva Mendes
I lurrrrrrrrrve her. LOVE. Look how simply hot she is. Opaque tights are so hot right now. Hansel. So hot right now. Hansel. Ha ha. I have to watch that movie (Zoolander) again soon. If you haven't seen it, please do.

Rosalyn Sanchez & Some blonde girl I recognize but can't place
I find RS so hot. In Rush Hour 2 she was super hot. If I could add someone to my fiancé's (that really does sound odd, can I rush ahead to husband?) list, it would be her.

Carmen Electra
She's looked better. I still wish she'd go back to the brunette. She was always that girl who wasn't blonde in a sea of blondes. Now she just blahs in with the rest of them/us. It's a good dress though...although it is slightly shapeless and reminds me of a credit card for some reason.

Zack Braff & Rachel Bilson
Oh my fuck, she's cute. Seriously. I love him. I think they would be a cute couple. Not that I don't love Adam Brody. Seth rocks my world. Or did in the first season. God. Why do I keep admitting that I watched the OC?!

Still, they'd make a cute couple.

Christina and Elton
Hey! It just occured to me. What happened to that red hair? I miss the change. Her hair is also alarmingly big here. Elton is the best. I now want wing appliqués on all my clothing.

Fergie & Elton (!)
Good god she is lucky. Wow! Elton John biatch! I hope she realizes what an honour that was.

I don't think she does, or she would not have worn that see-through nightmare on the red carpet. Who wears that? Gahhh.

Pit Stains

Yet another reason to add this bitch to the Axis:

Pit stains? Seriously? Also, what's with the sunken eyes and fucked up look? Not hot.

PS - I totally sweat a lot too, it's one of my greatest embarrassments. But I WOULDN'T if I could afford, like Mischa can, Botox injections in my sweat glands.

Janet Jackson: PLEASE get some clothes

I swear, if I see this woman naked one more fucking time, I'm going to lose it. Ok, we get it, you lost weight. Maybe put on a top. Would it kill her?

I don't think appearing near-nude on every publication across the continent for the past 2 months will sell any more albums. I think it will annoy people, as it has me.

Don't you agree?

Do you care?

Cause I don't.

Kate & Orlando broke up last week.

Everyone has made the skeleton/woman love affair jokes already. I have nothing interesting to add to that. Unfortunately.

Please don't be disappointed in me. I just don't care enough to stir up my creative juices.

BACK OFF!!!

This pic is from this past weekend.

Look Penny, I was nice to you, because I felt bad that you got caught in the Tom Cruise whirlwind and that is really a pitiable thing.

I do not care for you being near my man though. Back the fuck off, or I'll be forced to break some of your shit.

Yes, I know, I know. You broke up because you never saw each other. It better have just been a "here's your blender and 3 pairs of socks" kind of meeting, because if not, woman, you're asking for a world of pain.

Wooo. Thank god I got that psycho out of my system.

Oh my god, he's hot.

Who's gay? John Travolta!?

So Canadian Gossip Goddess, Lainey, has a blind item going on...I think it's Johnny T. Who agrees?

I love him. I love his Royale with Cheese, I love his dancing, I love FACE/OFF, for god's sake, and that is a TERRIBLE movie. But I really think 'Flying Star' is him.

Read it. What do you think?

PS - the pic is from his broadway production of 'Hairspray.' Isn't he hot?

People I hate: Kirsten Dunst

I cannot believe that Jake Gyllenhall made sweet monkey love with this horrific woman. It really knocks him down several notches.

I love that this movie got boo'd at Cannes. I hope that it makes $18 dollars at the box office. Nothing against Sofia Coppola (except her bad acting in GF3), but Kiki must die.

Another candidate for the AXIS OF EVIL!!!

The shit is NOT bananas

First of all, kudos to Gwen and Tommy Lee for bringing back the term 'bananas.' That is some basic hilarious stuff.

Secondly, thank you to Beyonce. No, I take that back. No thanks to Beyonce. I don't know what is going on with her skirt, only that it should not be happening. Ever. It's not just that the skirt is yellow, it's that it's STUFFED so that it appears more like bananas. Someone please tell me there was a theme.

What is wrong with all the divas this week? (See below)

For the love of all things holy - Aretha Franklin Edition

Seriously. WTF? I don't mind that some people are large and in charge (except children, obese children really frighten me). I really don't. What I do mind is the fact that Aretha Franklin, who is LAIC, has decided to NOT wear a bra. Woah.

WOAH

I disagree vehemently. Since when is this ok?

Oh my god, the horror. I think the worst thing about this is the fact that the necklace is clinging for dear life to the nape of her neck because it knows that it's going to be swallowed up by the mass that is her ta-ta's.

Oh. La. La.