Lord Lohan post of the day - July 31 - IN DEFENSE

Look, people best back off my lady friend, Lord Lohan, or I'm going to start some shit. What the fuck is going on here?

All of a sudden we're all over her for being a party-girl? Hey! This is not news! She's been doing it for over a year. Some schmuck at a film company writes her a letter (and then releases it to the press like a moron) and everyone's all over her?

No. No. No. No. No. I'm'a start some shit, yo.

Look how wholesome she is above, reading like the demure little librarian she is. BACK OFF FUCKERS!

I'm not saying Dina Lohan is a great manager, because she's really terrible and should hire me to alleviate her personal bias, but she's not wrong in attempting to defend the lord. Well, except that she says she's 19. Um, MOM, her birthday was a month ago. COME. ON.

Here's the letter:

(see it bigger here)

Here's mommy's defense:
"The Wording Was Ridiculous. I feel when you are 19 (years old) it is way out of line… Maybe he has personal issues with whomever and it came out with my child. I don't know him. I can't judge him. I Don't Think It Was A Smart Thing To Do To A Young Girl."

"Lindsay was in 105° saying, 'Mommy, I feel sick; like I am going to faint.' She took herself to the hospital. She has asthma and in extreme cold or heat you can't breathe."

"Lindsay gets to work late, OK… She's a human being. There was one day when she was late and they worked the schedule around her. Garry (Marshall, the film's director), Jane (Fonda, her co-star), everybody loves her."

"As far as Lindsay's health is concerned, she's fine and she is back on set. She will win an Academy Award for this picture… Justice!"

I'm not sure if my goddess is going to win an Oscar for a film where she fellates someone and gets fingered, but it wouldn't be the first time something silly happens on film.

Here she is at dinner with Harry (whom I don't find so attractive...he has a cro-magnon look about him):

Looking leggy and hot in a baseball cap:

And having lunch at the Ivy:

Let's say it together: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Lohan"

[Source: Socialite's Life, X17 & Linds-Lo]

Britney looks ok

I'm certainly not saying that she looks good, but she looks cleaner and neater than we've seen her in a while. I like the hair length, I like the clean top, the necklace, the cover-up. I dig. Ok, fine, she looks good. For her.

I don't care for her Dax-look-a-like manager though. How old is this guy? 16?

Miami Vice: Suckfest 2006

Has anyone else heard that this movie sucks immensely? I was wondering if maybe it was because only men have told me that, and men are not as hot and bothered by Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell...Ladies, have you seen it? Is it as crappy as the penis-bearers have said?

One thing about living in Quebec that is awesome is the translations of the film titles. In French, this movie is called "Deux Flics à Miami"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...along with the speedos and socks, these people in my province really make my ass laugh.

Things that make me go mmmmmmmmmmmm....

I recently learned that my boyfriend reads this blog occaisionally...I hope he won't be bothered by my obsession with Matthew McConaughey. He shouldn't be. First of all, I find him more attractive than MM, and secondly, we have a firmly established list of 5 celebrities each that we can sleep with (à la Ross on Friends). He knows Matthew is on mine.

The way this man does his workouts semi-nude all about town really make me happy. Sometimes I thank god for the pappies. They make life sweet.

Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock got hitched

Wow! What a romance! What a classy wedding. Nothing says class to me like tying the knot with a Corona in your hand. Also, smudged extremely dark, way-too-much make-up is the epitome of elegance.

I don't know who took this photo, but it seems as if they gave camera hallucinogens beforehand. What is with the weird effect?

Is it just me or has this woman been in a bathing suit non-stop for almost 2 months now? So, all you have to do is show your cooter a bunch of times and you'll have tons 'o' cash? Ok, ok, I know, Pammy's one of the most popular cooter-show-ers of all time, but it still doesn't seem fair.

Celebrities piss me off and fascinate me at the same time. I am so torn. How will I survive?

Josh and Fergie - over?

Some pics surfaced this week of Josh Duhamel and some girls with revealing bathing suits. None of them being Fergie. Here are a couple of reasons I think they should/could have broken up:

• ~ Fergie pissed herself
• ~ Fergie has crazy meth-man face
• ~ Josh is not as attractive as everyone makes him out to be...take a closer look. His facial features are crammed into the centre of his face. This combined with Fergie's meth face would make for disgusting children
• ~Fergie pissed herself

I know I mentioned that last one twice, but that really does something for me. Not being able or willing to control your bladder is a big one, I must say. I really make an effort to do this, and have since around the age of 2. I'll ask my mom exactly when and I'll get back to you.

Either way, I think we should all celebrate the fact that he was getting this close with some other girl...if I hear some excuse later this week that it was a family member or something, I will totally barf b/c no one should parade around their family with their arse hanging out like that.

Charlize...um, what'cha wearin'?

I like this woman. I love how seemingly uptight she looks. I love that she is against marriage until the day that gays are allowed to marry too (probably because she knows her miniature boyfriend is a mo), I like the roles that she picks, etc etc etc.

And, although I like her so much and I am trying really hard to be accepting. I really can't say anything nice about this dress. Or whatever this garment is. The colour is bad, it doesn't fit and it makes her look ~40 lbs heavier than she is.

You can do better Char Char. Make the effort. Pretty please.

Nicky Hilton + Brandon What's-his-face

Seriously, these two should stop walking around calling other people gross and fat and other such insults, because they're really taking the fucking cake on all those fronts. How can you insult Lord Lohan and Mischa Barton, when you look more disgusting?

Or maybe they're trying to start the 'sweaty and bloated' look in Hollywood. Unfortunately, although I am strongly against this "thin/dead" look, this is not an improvement.

God they're nasty.

Someone is starving themselves

Dear Jessica Alba,

Remember a while back when you uttered the most asinine statement of all time? Well, it seems that you've been working on that goal because I saw this picture of you playing with your dog in the park and it looks like a skeleton having a good time.

Please eat something, it's fucking ridiculous. I've had enough with this skinny shit and I need you to make an effort to improve it. It can be part of your 'I want to be considered as a serious actress not a hot bod' campaign.

skin and bones,
S

PS - you're really pretty

CA minus the red

You know, I actually think she looks better without the red lipstick. I wish that Gwen would follow suit. Next thing you know, Kingston will wear it because he thinks it's the natual lip colour of a human.

That dress is hot too...and I never thought I'd say this after my grade 2 love affair with them, but I am digging the headband too.

I had one of those poufy ones. It was awesome. I would throw it at people, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise ANYONE who knows me.

As promised

Matthew McConaughey's mystery woman looks kind of familiar...no?

I personally think she is very hot and that they look very good together.

Can you say...

...yum sandwich?

I like 'Prison Break'. It is poorly written, but the actors aren't terrible and it is quite suspenseful. Also, many of the boys are cute. Including these 3 dreamboats.

I really hope that Wentworth Miller isn't gay, but I think that he and Lance Bass might make a good couple.

Sigh again.

Um...

NO SHIT!

The Becks/Posh union

They are just so fucking beautiful.

Let's gaze.

Sigh.

What a maroon!

I just want to remind you that she PAID for this. Can you fucking believe it?

Good good almighty yo.

Lord Lohan post of the day - July 25

I am disappointed to tell you that Lord Lohan thought it better for herself to spend the weekend with Jeremy Piven than to come to my birthday weekend at the cottage.

Admittedly, there is more coke at Jeremy Piven's, but I really thought she could put me ahead of her 'Hollywood' friends for once. We would have appreciated her presence much more and would not have let her be photographed in these two bathing suits that do nothing for her.

Sigh.

Here is my lord at Jeremy Piven's birthday party in the first bikini of the night. This one is not as bad as the next one...but I don't get her reasoning. It does nothing for her skin. It really washes her out and makes her looks like a 70's porn star (coked out is implied by that term).

I am not sure what she's doing here...she's at Jeremy Piven's birthday party in this one too, but why she is wearing a nude bikini with her skin tone is beyond me. I choose to ignore the weird amateur porn pose. It makes me sad.

Lilo and Harry, together again. I love her dress and must have it.

I hate his hair, it's very "Teen Wolf."

Ohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm, Lohan

MM makes me want to be a surf board...

He is a surfing god. Oh la la!

I know that there are pictures floating around of an exotic brown haired girl massaging him, but those piss me off, so I refuse to post them. Actually, maybe I should post them...with some adjustments...stay tuned

Beckhams. So hot right now. Beckhams.

The Becks are so hot. I want to wear this much gold jewelry and not look like a hooker. It's too bad I'm not rich and that I would look like a hooker.

Is it just me or can you totally see her nipples?

Kate Hudson, climbing the list of goddesses, fast

Could this woman be more stunningly beautiful? I love her. God, she is fabulous. And I love the dress...only it's really long, and I think it could have been cuter just above the knee with a little flounce.

Tara Reid paid money to look like this

No, I don't think you understand, Tara Reid PAID for these boobs and that stomach. She PAID for them.

My boyfriend and I rented season 3 of 'Scrubs' and she's in it a lot. I hate her, but I don't hate her as much as I do in 'American Pie' because the main character hates her too, so it takes the edge off.

She paid for it. PAID. That is fucking retarded. When I first saw these pictures, I thought it was Faye Dunaway or something. That is some rotten, rotten shit.

Mariah Carey, lookin' ghetto

Oh my god Mariah looks hellish. The shorts are terrible and look like they may be moist in the crotchal region, the top is too small, the necklace is going into her shorts, her hair is gross, her face is sweaty and she looks like she could use a facial.

A man facial, because she totally looks like a man..

All my goddesses are failing me today...

Even Kate Beckinsale!

I love her. I love her hair, her glasses, her tops, her shoes...but oh my god, what the fuck is with those shorts? They are not good with that outfit.

Is that a salad dressing stain? Gross.

Nicolas Cage: Close to the Axis of Evil

I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I hate Nicolas Cage.

Just in case you don't know, I HATE HIM MORE THAN ANY OTHER MAN IN HOLLYWOOD.

What is wrong with him? He is so hideously ugly. Oh god. And his horrific voice! It's so breathy and attempting to be sexy. There is nothing sexy about this man. Nothing. Especially that Bolton-esque growth of auburn hair he has going on here. Blech. I hate it.

He makes me violently angry. When he was here in town filming 'Snake Eyes' I was going to school just across the street. I was really close to running across with a gun to kill him. Unfortunately, I had some trouble getting a gun.

I am really sad that HE is going to star in a movie about a comic character. I hope he doesn't ruin it for me like he did so many other films. And I'm supposed to believe that Eva Mendes is in love with him in this movie? I hope her fucking character is blind and deaf, 'cause otherwise, totally unbelieveable.

Jessica Simpson flops to the other side

"Hi, I'm too blonde and look frighteningly like my dog."

You know that I normally love her without judgement, but she continually wears these disgusting shoes, her hair is the colour of an albino boy's and her eye make-up is frightening me.

Why must all my goddesses flip flop between gorgeous and nasty so frequently?

David Beckham just might be the only man...

...who can pull off a Speedo. Seriously. Is anyone else this hot?

Maybe it's just in contrast to the men here in Quebec...they normally wear their speedos with monster handle-bar mustaches and socks'n'sandals. It's really wretched. Also, their beer bellies hang over the edge. Gah.

No, he's still hot. It's not just in comparison.

Lord Lohan post of the day - July 21

How I love the lord. I pray that she will come to hang out with me on my birthday!

Ohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm. Lohan

(Personally I like the outfit better sans belt and crochet vest...)

Just when I thought...

...that I would never want to hit Haylie Duff more than I did before, she has this on her head.


Oh, what I would do for a large stick and plane ticket right now. What a horse-faced idiot. If her sister was nice, she'd buy her plastic surgery for MY birthday.

Yuck.

Carmen and Dave: splitso

I can't believe I missed the fact that Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro broke up. Does anyone else think that he is bisexual?

A girl I work with went to school with the whore who apparently is his girlfriend now. She also went to camp with her. I keep encouraging her to sell her photos to the tabloids before the subject loses its energy.

Just some tips for those two:
- Dave: don't fool yourself into marrying another woman. We all know you're bi.

- Carmen: please stop marrying every fool with a big penis. It's not good. At all.

Do you think that he dumped her because of her ass sweat?