Apple is a cutie!

Although Chris Martin has gross 80's porn-star hair and Gwyneth Paltrow is an uppity bitch, they have spawned a very cute baby

Look at that cutie-pie w/ her little red apple change purse and baby Uggs!

Terri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest?

First and foremost, isn't that guy gay??!! And if not, are you sure?

Apparently, Terri 'ToothPick Legs' Hatcher and Ryan 'I am SO gay' Seacrest are dating. Here are some pics of them awkwardly frenching on a beach. Nice hat Terri. Does Ryan ask you to wear it so you look more like the drummer from Jet? Yah, that's what I thought.

[Source: I Don't Like You in That Way]

Fergie looks pretty!

Bitch actually looks feminine and pretty!

Yay! Happy 31st birthday! Lay off the plastic surgery. Please.

Tip: How to make anyone look un-masculine

Hint: put them in a farmer's plaid shirt, but cut off the sleeves so it's like a lesbian vest.

The guy is supposed to be SUPERMAN! The greatest Kryptonian EVER (God, I am such a loser - can you tell my boyfriend is a comic geek?) ! First they cast some LOSER from a soap opera with an apparent monster chunk that they had to digitally reduce, then they groom his brows insanely into really well combed caterpillars, THEN they put him in this photo spread.

I can't. This movie better blow me away, or I am going to be really pissed that they didn't cast Dean Cain.

Mariah, Mariah, Mariah

I love this bitch. I really do. She has wicked pipes, she has staying power, etc etc etc. What I do not love is how she insists on shoving her size 10 (super curvy, wonderful) bod into outfits that are totally inappropriate for her body.

Lately she has looked really hot, but the outfit above is one of the grossest I've seen in a while. First, and foremost, she is wearing boots that are clearly from the Neil Armstrong collection at Skechers. Fucking gross. What is going on? Are they inflatable? I don't understand.

Secondly, the jeans are so gross. They are shiny. I will repeat that for those of you who may think that you read wrong...They are SHINY! I am without words. Well, except the words that say THESE ARE SO GROSS. I'm now coining them Leisure Suit Jeans. Done.

Lastly, not only is she shoved into that sweater, but it's completely transparent so we can see the harness that holds her gigantic boobies. Do these people get dressed in the dark? Are the flash bulbs of the papparazzi really THAT bright? B/c I wear things and when pics are taken, normally my junk doesn't show through...

I will give her one thing. I really like that aluminum foil chain link necklace she's wearing. It's cool to recycle.

Oh yah, and the sunglasses at night look is SO Corey Hart. Retro.

Prince Charles and Babs?

According to the Mirror (UK), Barbra Streisand had an affair with Prince Charles...God, imagine the fugly children that would come from that union?

The claim of the affair comes from 'tell-all' book, "The Prince of Wales: A Biography"...Which also claims that Charles wrote in his journal that Barbra has 'great sex appeal.' There are so many funny parts of that sentence:
A) The prince of England writes in a journal!? Ha ha, what a mo!
B) He found Barbra Streisand had great sex appeal before 'Meet the Fockers'? He's a fucking visionary!

He also apparently had a photo of her in his locker during his naval career. Imagine having a picture of Funny Girl in your locker. God, just b/c you are fug, doesn't mean you have to lust after fug.

I love it! The whole story is retarded, and who doesn't like retarded on a Wednesday morning?

I love it. In its entirety it is an overtly retarded story.

Run for your life Anthony!

Run Anthony Kiedis! Run! Run like you did in the Under the Bridge video! He looks a little scared in this pic, doesn't he? Like "oh god, what if her peanut nipple comes to get me?"

Tara Reid is, once again, trying to clean up her image. But, she keeps bringing out her fake boobies and her lipo'd belly, so the process is slow. Is it just me or is her left nipple totally pointing way too left?

God woman, stop imbibing all your funds, get some volumizing shampoo and a bra. This blog makes me use the lord's name in vain so much! Not that I care, but sheesh!

I am glad Courtney Love isn't my mom

Remember how embarrassing high school was?

Imagine your mom was Courtney Love?

This poor child is going to be fucked up.

Frances, if you need a break, you come hang out with us here in Montreal, we'll be much cooler than CL...
PS - You look like your dad. Thank god.

I hate Paris Hilton

And her ugly pimp hat

Kids! Don't touch her! She has HERPES!

ATTENTION MEN!

This is not realistic, so don't make your girlfriend feel fat by buying this magazine and drooling over this Jag bitch.

I hate her. Ladies, wanna kill her?

The Black Eyed Peas are officially media whores

I still like them. They put on a hell of a concert, but they will sell their fucking name for anything. Here is a shot of them at the, get this, "Honda Civic Launch Tour" with the Pussycat Dolls.

Nice.

Oh, and yes, Fergie's sweatpants do have her name down the leg and Tabu is wearing a madras patchwork suit.

Let's insult others to make ourselves feel better!

I love Rachel Bilson, she is totally cute and she (normally) has great fashion sense. I am starting to question said 'great fashion sense' though...

Often, if and when I refer to someone with good fashion sense, it is NOT when they're wearing a basket handle for a headband and a blouse that even a naked, amnesiac homeless lady wouldn't wear. Not to mention the fact that it doesn't fit.

Oh god, it hurts me.

I'm not quite sure that blouse and basked handle hurt me as much as this abomination though. Good lord in heaven this outfit is ugly as shit. It even contains one of my most hated things: LEGGINGS.

Look, I don't care how boho posh Sienna Miller looks in it, don't wear them. And although I never thought I'd have to say this, ESPECIALLY under a bubble skirt. Oh god, a bubble skirt. And it's made out of sofa fabric. Eghhhhhhh! My left arm is numb. I think I'm having a heart attack. There is just so much wrong here.

Mmm, those shoes are making me feel better though. But Ahhh! Here is comes again! Chest pain! The purse. It's so ugly, and it is probably worth more than my car. And me, combined. Oh the pain.

Oh my god. Sharon Stone is so fucking insane. How dare she raid my dead grandparents things and take all the curtain fabric from my grandmother's laundry room?! I am going to kick her ass. Oh my fuck that is ugly. Oh for fuck's sake! The pants are cut on the bias! How flattering.

Wait a sec! Is this a floaty georgette dress with faux snakeskin moto boots? Wow, I know she's not from here and stuff, but that is no excuse to dress like a tard. Also, can someone please explain why the tops of her breasts are glowing? Maybe next time, PUT A LITTLE FUCKNIG BRONZER on your tata's before you leave the house. I'm going to kick her in the head if I ever get the chance.

Ok, I know this is old, but I couldn't delete it from my computer before posting it. It's just to atrocious. This is from the Vanity Fair Oscars party. Now, as some of you might recall, Naomi wore a flesh-coloured fisherman's dream type of outfit, complete with fishing nets and driftwood. I wish that I could say this is an improvement.

From the Saran Wrap detail up the front, to the wholly inappropriate black shoes and matching disgusting black lace cardy, this outfit screams "please hate me, I am ugly." And that is being nice.

Star Jones is scary

Is anyone else frightened by this woman? She has appeared in my dreams several times as a crazy homeless lady.

She confirmed that she's had some plastic surgery in the past year. No shit bitch, you lost 500 pounds! If you didn't get plastic surgery you'd look like a hunk of dough hanging from a nail.

Maybe she could do me a favour and reduce her giant eyeballs and get her gay husband removed. Who does she think she is? Liza Minelli?

Mimi is hot again

Oh Mariah! You got me feelin' emotions...hee hee. Ok, now that I'm back from my time warp to grade 5...DAMN WOMAN! You are looking really good!

I must say, I am really proud of her for making hot a little curvier. I have dissed her before, but only because she has previously forced herself into stuff that just isn't flattering. I'm not saying short-shorts and a shirt tied in a not are appropriate, but kudos on looking fine Mimi.

Let's all be happy she's not Anna Nicole Smith

Barefoot Hillbilly Britney gets her due (and maybe Hep C)

This is fucking hilarious! Finally this gas-station-bathroom-no-shoes-wearing-hillbilly is getting what was coming to her. Here are my rules about gas stations:

1) Never try their 'impulse item' cheese product
2) Never use the washroom unless the nearest bush and leaf of poision ivy is being used
3) ALWAYS wear shoes

So, a while back, the dumb hick was seen without shoes in gas station bathrooms (see above). That is fucking sick. People mocked her, but it didn't seem to bother her - to the point that she did it repeatedly.

Today, I read in Hollywood Rag that, while in Hawaii, she got out of her car, shoeless as usual and stepped on A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE.

I'm sorry, but that is FUNNY shit. Read on:

Britney Spears had to be rushed to hospital after treading on a hypodermic needle.

The pop babe - who is on holiday in Hawaii - had stepped out of her car without shoes on when she trod on the needle in a parking lot.

The panic-stricken star was taken to Hawaii State Hospital, but tests showed the needle was unused.A source is quoted in Britain's Daily Star newspaper as saying: "Britney is going to be fine. She's got a nasty cut but it's been disinfected and dressed and she's been released from hospital.

"It was more the shock of seeing the needle poking out of her foot - as you can imagine. All sorts of things race through your mind in that situation.The conclusion we would all jump to is that it was discarded by a drug user.

"Britney was distraught but brave."

First of all, how the fuck do you miss a NEEDLE in the parking lot? If I'm walking barefoot ANYWHERE I'm watching the ground for stuff. Often, it's cat barf in my apartment, but I digress. Also, a needle is not small. It's not like a thumb tack. Oh my lord. She's so dumb.

"Distraught but brave." I have a tip: PUT ON SOME FUCKING SHOES you hick dumbass!

I have made my own photo reproduction of what I think it might have looked like:

I hope she gets an incurable disease. Well, at least a new one. I'm sure KFed has given her all the others.

[Source: Hollywood Rag]

Mischa Barton and her nips, AGAIN

Dear Mischa,

First of all, the OC has really sucked this season. Your spoiled, little, rich-bitch routine is tired. I don't even watch anymore, much to my boyfriend's delight.
Secondly, we all heard rumours earlier this week that you dumped this skanky human fart. Evidently not. As MK mentioned, he best be well hung, or there's no excusing this nasty shit. NASTY. His hair is almost as luxurious as yours!
Thirdly, I can see your goddam nipples again. Do you get dressed by fucking candle-light? By the light of a Christmas tree? Don't you have someone to do a nipple-check for you? My boyfriend does mine, in the interest of not letting everyone else see them.

Girl, please, do me a favour, I don't need you to put on a bra, b/c you do have fantastic sweater meat. But please, for the love of all things holy, please fucking wear something a little more opaque...

Thank you,
Your fan,
Skankopolis

PS - Obviously, you should also dump that horrifically ugly beast hanging off your arm and date someone super-sexy. Maybe Matthew McConaughey. Mmm. He is hot.

[Source: DDD via DListed]

Michael Douglas: Genius

Sometimes old people are crochety and it's not enjoyable to us, but then other times they're crochety and it's HILARIOUS! Michael Douglas is old, crochety and dead-on accurate:

"I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean, how long is that going to last?"

Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny if he actually said these things at a UN engagement?

Ha ha, stupid Brad. Baby holder.

What colour GREEN are you?

Apparently, I'm apple green...mmm hmm.

You Are Apple Green

You are almost super-humanly upbeat. You have a very positive energy that surrounds you.And while you are happy go lucky, you're also charmingly assertive.You get what you want, even if you have to persuade those against you to see things your way.Reflective and thoughtful, you know yourself well - and you know that you want out of life.

What colour GREEN are you?

UPDATE: Someone was kind enough to point out that I didn't put the source of this lovely quiz: BarbieMartini - it's hot, check it out...and they always have a yummy feature martini!

Oscars - 1st little bit

I have to post some separately b/c f*%#ing Blogger won't let me upload them to my main post.

Michelle Williams: I love this girl. I loved fucking Dawson's Creek the first season. After that it really went downhill (or it always sucked and I only realized after subjecting myself to it for a year). In Brokeback, she was really fucking awesome. I was not impressed with her dress though. Kudos on the daring, bold colour choice. Seriously. In a sea of black and cream she looked awesome in a bright colour. I am really not sure about the horizontal blinds as neckline trim, but some people liked it. I think she looked like those old costumes where the queens have a circle of accordion folds around their neck, but whatever, she's cute.

Salma Hayek: Please stop being so curvy and hot! You make me look increasingly like a 10 year-old boy and I think that Michael Jackson is coming after me! Damn, she is hot.

Oscar Recap

I watched 'em. They were mostly boring. I would love to see the Nielson ratings to find out how many of the 38 million viewers (2nd lowest EVER) change the channel when the acceptance speech starts...

Best Film: CRASH
Best Director: ANG LEE for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Best Actor: PHILLIP SEYMOUR-HOFFMAN for CAPITA
Best Actress: REESE WITHERSPOON for WALK THE LINE
Best Supporting Actor: GEORGE CLOONEY for SYRIANA
Best Supporting Actress: RACHEL WEISZ for THE CONSTANT GARDENER

Now onto more important things: who looked hot and who looked gross

Charlize Theron: This woman is almost always flawless. She almost always looks gorge, but I think tonight might have been the exception. I didn't see her on the red carpet b/c I was folding laundry but when I did get a glimpse of her in the audience, I felt terrible for the person behind her! Imagine sitting behind that bow? I'd be PISSED! It would be like sitting behind Marge Simpson at the movies.

Reese Witherspoon: The epitome of adorable. Hopefully her 'vintage' dress was actually vintage this time. She should totally sue Chanel. It was boring, but so is she, and that's part of her charm. Cute speech, if not a little rambly, but good for her. She's cute.
Jessica Alba: I am so jealous of this girl. She is gorgeous, but not in that conventional way, so no one else really looks like her, which makes her stand out even more. Then she has this fabu ass that makes men fall over. But I must say, my boyfriend saw her and said "Jesus she's thin!" She looked a little Ethiopian Bobble-head last night. And that is NOT HOT.
Jennifer Aniston: I am a huge Aniston fan. I have been for a looooooooong time. She is classy, has gorgeous hair and a fucking fabulous body, if not a little thin. The woman had a really shitty year, even if she wasn't a celebrity. But she is, so every little detail about her split with her husband was EVERYWHERE. I don't envy her for that.
I love her, but I cannot give her props for last night. She walked on stage and I fucking FELL ASLEEP! Seriously, I think the designer of her dress was Narcolepsy. Bitch, please! Put on a colour. The dress was hot, but motherfucker! I would even settle for a dark blue. YAWNNNNNNNNN!
Felicity Huffman: Chickita plays a convincing man. Like, alarmingly so. Although I loved the dress, and she is totally hot for her age, etc, her chest was NAST-AY! Gross! But I would look totally wicked in that dress, so I still love it. But again, how about a colour?
On an aside, could William H Macy be cuter? I heard a quote of him saying that he was "pleased as punch" about her success! That is damn cute!
Jennifer Garner: She almost bailed! Come on! That would have been brilliant. Looking quite lovely after the baby, though not all muscled up yet. I wonder if Ben feels emasculated b/c his wife is tougher and has a much more muscled body than him - he should, b/c he's a doughy homo.
George Clooney: Charming! He could charm my pants off! Very cute acceptance speech, very cute man. Love him.
Keira Knightly: This girl annoys me. My best friend (god love her) made me watch Bend it Like Beckham a while back and it started me on hating Keira. I just don't like her. She's on her way to joining the rest of the whores in the axis of evil. If I met her, I would try to trip her down a flight of stairs.
Naomi Watts: What the shit was that mess? Remember when they used to make coloured Kleenex and toilet paper? My grandmother had a beige-themed washroom and she had matching TP, etc. Naomi Watts obviously ransacked my grandmother's washroom and made a dress out of it. Let's just all thank god that she didn't go in the powder blue bathroom.
PS - Is she preggo?
Nicole Kidman: Just shut up and die. I hate you. Also, stop w/ the botox, you're not fooling anyone.
Jake Gylenhall: Could he be any cuter? (Make sure to read that in a Chandler-style speech) He was all bum loving and homo-riffic in Brokeback, and he dated Kirsten Dunst, the dirtiest whore in Ho-wood, but he's still so cute!
Hilary Swank: It's a pity about this lady's horse face, b/c she has a seriously kick ass bod. Must admit though, once again, she was looking mighty thin tonight. What a lovely trend. She has an excuse though...but they're staying together, so not really. Anyway, bla bla bla, hot bod, horse face.
Uma Thurman: Everyone is all over her for looking gross, but considering some of her previous red carpet blunders, I think she looked beautiful. Ethereal even. Very nice Um!

J-Lo and Skeletor: Although she seemed to have OD'd on Mystic Tan before jumping into the dress, I was really happy to see her looking hot. Among a sea of tanorexic bobble-heads she looked really juicy and nice. Her husband still reminds me of a meth addict crossed with a vampire. Creep.
The Please-Eat-More club: Zhang Ziyi, Jessica Alba, Hilary Swank, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman (actually, you can starve)

Funniest Moment: Ben Stiller in the Green Unitard. Too funny

Ok, that'll do pig.

Ugly clothes continue to abound

For the love of god, why does this exist? Am I going to go out this summer and see slutty little 17 year-olds wearing this shit?

We must burn down Sirens to avoid this!!!

Word of the day: popozao

Definition: Brazilian slang for 'big ass'

More fun: make up your own definition!
Use it as a verb: "I totally popozao'd that ice cream"
Or use it as a noun: "That bitch best watch her back or I'm going to kick the popozao out of her"

Have fun with it!

Have a popozao day!

Courtney Love - Fugly

My sister used to say that I looked like Courtney Love. Since she said it during her glamour period, I used to not mind.

If, say, my sister was to say this today, when I found this photo of her wearing shiny, off-white leggings, I might be inclined to cry. This is also how I feel that Frances Bean must feel on a daily basis.

I am surprised this girl isn't already in rehab, Ã la Drew Barrymore. Good for her. Thank god for her grandparents, who saved her from her mother.

Seriously, though, who designed this outfit. Who thought, 'you know what would be nice? A Victorian dress in satin...flowy, a ribbon from an empire waist. Oh yah, that would be nice. Ooh! I know what would be avant-garde of me, I'll throw in some matching leggings! They should be shiny too though..Where am I going to get that fabric...oh, I know, I'll call Figure Skater Supplies...Damn, I'm brilliant.'

Um. No.

Scrubs is really funny

Scrubs is hilarious. I have always thought it was funny and really unique. I am happy to see that it is finally being recognized.

Sarah Chalke (who was the transitional 'Becky' on 'Roseanne' for a while) is really funny. She is lanky and awkward and just generally hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, she has really bad hair here. It looks as if she found my padded velvet hair band from ~1987 and threw it on after blow-drying her hair upside down for, roughly, 16 hours. Shit. That is some bad hair.

Now, I know she's not ugly, but she's not exactly conventionally gorgeous either. I really want to tell her that flaring her nostrils that way isn't doing anything for her.

I think she was having a bad day...But she's hilarious, so I forgive her. As her character would say, "Frickity frick"

Things that should not exist: Black.White

The FX network is starting a new reality show called 'Black.White' to try and "reveal the subtleties of racism." Ok, you know what? There are no subtleties of racism. Racist people are small-minded assholes who don't understand that a human being is no different just because of the colour of their skin or where are from.

I think reality TV is the downfall of modern society. It makes everyone feel like they're a sociologist. It will be interesting, and eye-opening, b/c America will be able to see how terrible the majority of people really are, but I don't like it still. I think it will open the door for more people to be bigots.

The make-up jobs are quite good, but I find both families look a bit like cartoon characters. Also, the white dad totally looks like Steve Carell (40 Year-Old Virgin).

And society goes down the tubes even further...

Eva Longwhoria

She looks hot here, but that is some monkey face she's making. Why do people insist on wearing foundation as lipstick?

Lindsay Lohan's boob

Everyone else posted it, so I figured I should too. Later, we're all going to go jump off a bridge.

Tom Cruise - Nuttier than a squirrel

As some of you may know, Tom Cruise and Stroke-Mouth Holmes are going to have an alien baby soon. This poor child is going to be so screwed up. Imagine your dad is some wired weirdo who believes in aliens, AS HIS RELIGION?

First, according to Scientology, Stroke-Mouth has to go through labor SILENTLY (ha ha), then the following happens:

"In Scientology, mother and child are separated for days after birth to reduce trauma and provide time to recover, says a source. The mother is discouraged from holding or cuddling the child. "The baby should not be bathedº or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so*," Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in a Dec. 20, 1958, bulletin titled "Processing a New Mother."

º Yes, let's keep the mucus and afterbirth all over the baby. That sounds lovely. Maybe, if we're lucky, some germs will grow on the warm gooey stuff and disease the baby! On 2nd thought, let's behave like a pregnant prom queen and leave the baby in a high school bathroom.

* Does anyone else think this sounds insane? Leaving a NEWBORN baby alone for a day "or so"? What the shit is "or so"? Um, I believe when people do that they're normally arrested! Where is CHILD SERVICES??!?!?

Fucking tard.